Finding neutral

[GFI]

Friends...another trough of the rollercoaster ride this evening...

w is going away this weekend, presumably with OM and asked if I would mind her having H overnight tonight - a usual night for me to have him, cos she won't see him till Sunday - well as much as this sticks in my gut as the reason she won;t see him is cos she will be with OM, I said that was not a problem - I get to spend all weekend with him pretty much anyway...

So, she also asked if I could pop in to sort stuff out for weekend - practical, domestic stuff for H - so I dropped H off at his club for 6.15 and then went up home...W was pretty stressed about her day etc and also looking for stuff to do with forms shes got to fill in. W was really upset bout her day actually, her school's closing and she has to apply for her own job - with no promise that she'll get it - so i did my level best to listen and be helpful - I desperately wanted to give her a hug and hold her - she seemed to be hurting so much...anyhow got a few things sorted, found a few things, details to help her sort out what she needs to sort and then popped out to the car to get a form i needed her to add some details in bout H - and who should be parking up and sorting stuff out but OM...I nearly puked...got the form, dashed inside, handed it to her and said I had to go "you've got a visitor"...

And then as we passed, he said "GFI, how are you?" What an egotistical, over confident, self centred, "I am" w@nker! Seems like he wants me to be "Ok" about all this! WTF???!

If it was me in those circumstances, already seeing that I the husband was there I would have, out of courtesy, if nothing else have beat a gracious retreat.

I can't begin to describe how i feel right now - hurt, used, abused - again I know I did some cr@ppy things within my marriage and I am deeply, deeply sorry for them... - the reasons are complex - some to do with a grieving I hadn't resolved for my brother dying when I was young, some to do with my mum dying, much to do with failing to recognise the love of a fantastic woman, wrapped up with insecurities of myself and my esteem with a really difficult job/ career when W was trying to get pregnant , fear that I carried something genetically that would be inherited and a wholesale failure to be emotionally available to the woman i love and cherish with all my heart and let all of that give myself a reason to drown my sorrows in booze...but if only she would give me the opportunity now...wouldas, shouldas, couldas...

I know I am a man now who is a million miles away from that person... much closer to the person she first knew and yet so much better...much improved - not the DAM I used to be at all.

And still there, despite all of our problems and W's rejection of me to the extent that i move out to, trying to offer comfort and reassurance to my w - when an hour later OM turns up + dog. Dignity was hard to hold onto under the circumstances...

W phoned 20 mins after I got home - got a nice message from H - and the W "I'm sorry I had no idea...thanks for listening..."

I don't want to jeopardise my relationship with my W for H's sake and the bottom line is still, that I love her - I'm sure she doesn't realise how much or that this is not just a jealous love - because she's not with me now or because I can;t "have her" etc. But because i truly want her to be part of my life and believe that we could forge forwards with the passion and excitement that we shared, but with renewed passion and excitement - i've changed, she's changed - but I love the changes, apart from OM! of course...she's still a woman who excites me, stimulates me, soothes me like no other woman ever has.

But tonight is, for me - as low as its got for a good while...

KBO - GFI

PS - lost at badminton last night - doh - must try harder next week! But the other hand - climbed a 6b on an indoor wall! Thats a first!