The unfaithful wife...that's me..

[Mellenmack]

I do think he is just wanting to provoke me, looking for a reaction, maybe to see if it's sticking or not.

J/MLC, I just don't understand the point. What is the point with all this if there is no M or desire for R?? Why argue or talk about all these things if it is pointless. We are co-parents and that's it, in theory. Maybe it is just a time adjustment thing. Maybe he didn't believe me. Maybe he thought I would bend. I can't bend this time.

I sat down and thought awhile last night. Started reading that book Codependent no more. I about died when it listed the characteristics and I could check off over half. What has always frustrated me the most, is being in an argument or discussion with him and not knowing what to say to defend my stance or feeling like I've had my words twisted to say something else and used against me. It's like the first words get said and then I just can't think. I'm flooded. He likes to throw in my face the things he has done for me...agreeing to have D4 is a big one and the other one is that he agreed to the D. "And YET AGAIN, I am giving you what YOU want." he would tell me. Like he was the only one hurt. And now he says "And YET AGAIN, YOU want me to give you what YOU want." Like he's doing me some huge favor.

So I sat down and thought about a few things that I have done for him. I have kept the kids and the house and the dog and the yard when HE decided HE wouldn't feel complete without going over to fight in this war. I have continued to live in this town because HE is happy in HIS job and is happy here, although I have begged him to consider moving (when we'd only been here 6 months, I was ready to go.) Now we have been here 8 years, about to start our 9th year. Those are big things. When did my opinions matter then? They didn't. What he wanted overrode.

I know it is all give and take. I will continue to think of more things I have done, because right now they escape me. I know I have done, but because I was convinced that what I wanted didn't matter (he's the military member and I'm just along for the ride), I have forgotten many things. I want for a goal to be to remember what I did do. Is that silly?

Thanks for the help.

Mel