Matilda, Flowers are always a great idea, particularly since I'm trying to think of her as a girlfriend. I will make a mental note of your suggestion.
She's been expressing appreciation for my recent efforts, and wrote me a long email apologizing for her irritability these past several months. She went into detail regarding her struggles (aging, body image, money, housecleaning), and our conflicts. She stated that she thinks she is on the path of emotional healing.
She thanked me for my commitment for taking care of the puppy, for cooking weekly, for helping with housecleaning, for joining the Friendship Force, for dancing, and all that I do to contribute to the household.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I ended up going to a dance lesson without my W last night. She hasn't been feeling well this past week with a respiratory problem.
I had a great time. It's important for me to not let my W hold me back from getting out, when we have a dance lesson or event planned, and she has a late cancellation. In the past, when she would decide at the last minute to not attend a lesson, I would also stay back.
At the lesson, the female instructor, who I consider an acquaintance told me I was "too nice." I don't know what prompted her comment, but it continues to resonate with me. I replied to her, that "I know."
My W is wanting me to resume IC to address intimacy issues. She contines to hold the perspective that it's my issue, versus a relational one. My perspective is that it's both. She needs to realize that her actions will either promote it or create distance.
I received a long email rant earlier this week. I felt like I was walking around with arrows in my back, like out of an old western movie. I ignored that particular email. I responded to the other emails where there were solvable problems (agreeing to hire snow removal for heavy snowstorms, and ordering a larger trash container from the garbage company).
My W found a Friendship Force trip (already, and we're not even members) to Columbia in July that she wants to go. I proposed that we not pursue the August Puerto Rico trip if we wish to make this one. We'll see how this plays out. I'm glad she's excited about it.
My W called up a male friend and went dancing without me tonight, because she didn't think I was paying enough positive attention to her this evening. I failed to communicate that I was tired, and needed some space. I could have gone to the dance venue on my own, but chose to stay home with my sheep puppy dog.
I wrote her an email about my dance intentions this weekend. Last weekend we missed a dance because we didn't have a firm schedule, so napped until it was too late to go. I'm going to take the lead this weekend, and will create and let her know the schedule if she wants to ride with me to the dance events.
I feel like I'm letting her have too much control over our evening plans. I'll give her at least a day's notice what my intentions are, tell her what time she needs to be ready, and allow her to negotiate an alternate plan, if she feels she can't make it. At some point, though, I think it's fair to no longer wait for her and go on ahead of her, if she chooses to procrastinate about preparation.
As far as tonight, the plans were vague, so I can't be too upset. I assumed we were going out dancing tonight. As stated, she can be unpredictable and reactive, so chose to go independently.
It's time to take responsibility for my evening and weekend plans. I will work towards partnership, but will start setting some limits so as to prevent her last minute actions and decisions from thwarting my evening plans.
I can't expect that she will always choose to act as a partner.
CL
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I can't expect that she will always choose to act as a partner.
Not sure I understand this, CL. Feel like explaining more?
I just noticed the sleeping elsewhere changed this month (I don't always look at your signature lines I guess). Has that had an impact on you pursuing counseling re. the intimacy issues? I thought you were ready to seek counseling (even if it's relational instead of your private issue).
Matilda, My W's perspective is that if I'm not in IC, than I don't care about the intimacy issue. I'm not sure what an IC can tell me at this point. I was hoping for joint sessions, so that she could hear another perspective besides mine.
I was also hoping that the changes I've implemented in the past month would be more helpful--cooking a weekly meal, hiring a housecleaner, putting puppy in daycare, joining world travel group. They have helped, and life would be far more difficult, if I didn't pursue them.
She still has problems with stress management--irritability, mood swings, anxiety. It's hard to spend long periods of alone time with her, as she manages to veer the topic towards problems and complaining about them.
She's planning on spending 10-15K on putting a shower in the basement so we no longer have to share the same bathtub. It drives her nuts to see my hair floating in her tub. I try to clean up after myself, but it's hard to be perfect about it.
I'm hoping the world travel group will be the doing something different in her life that has a significant impact. She's excited about it.
I think until we get her stress managed, and she finds a lifestyle that is enjoyable to her, we're not going to make any significant progress in the intimacy department. Her expectation that I be intimate with her under any circumstance is not realistic.
Her irritablility, and negativity, keeps me at a distance. Who wants to be close to someone after they've told you how terrible a person you are? I can't work on my intimacy issues with a chronically stressed-out person. That's the relational part of the equation, that she fails to see.
The challenge is to practice goodwill, compassion, keep joy in my life, and not be reactive even with the unpleasantness. I believe one of the lessons of M is to learn to love even when it's unpleasant or difficult.
I've come to realize that Acting As If is the practice of self-restraint of negative emotions for the purpose of doing no harm or promoting connection. Self-restraint also involves being open to the idea that I don't understand everything about my situation, so I need to refrain from judgment.
There is no escape, and nothing I can do to control my W. I must simply face this with love, and then let things fall where they may.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Oh CL, I am just sending you a hug because I haven't anything positive to say. I cannot believe you continue to do these things for such a woman. You must love her very much to be treated in such away. Do you actually envisage an end or when enough is enough? Maybe she would like it if you actually put yourself in puppy day care. In fact your life would probably be much happier. Give me my dogs company any day.
I believe there is no escape from these situations. We have to be patient and let them play themselves out.
It seems like I have only a few options.
1) I can declare war and say I want a D. It would be quite ugly as we fight over property and money. I would have to tolerate great unpleasantness. I don't think that's what she wants.
2) I can become resentful about her behavior and create a toxic R between us.
3) I can practice goodwill, compassion, joy, and openness with a person I'm in R with, keep working on solving problems until the day we D, and accept whatever direction the R goes.
I think the M will either heal based on my influence or die no matter what I do. I don't think this will go on indefinitely.
Thanks for the hug, and sharing my disappointment and frustration.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Oh you are such a good man CL. I feel guilty now for not having your compassion. I guess living the situation is so different than being an observer, like they say "walk a mile in my shoes" Good wishes to you as you continue on your journey.
