Hi everyone... I'm doing okay this morning. As usual, I wake in the mornings with that heavy feeling in my chest - and so it's really become a matter of getting up and pushing through it - and start doing something.
WhitneyP - B is far from being nice to me - though I don't think her way of being matters that much, to be honest...since working on me, as I'm coming to accept more and more, means that I have to stop worrying about her moods - and her anger.
NW - You're very right - I do have to believe - and I do have to remember that I will be fine no matter what happens. I know I will be - and I know that I have a lot of opportunities here - and it's just up to me to step up and take the chances and do the work. You always do a good job of nudging us back on track.
SmartCookie - Thank for coming by...and for your compassion. As unwanted as some of these changes are, I know that they're necessary - and I know that they're real and I have to take care of things as best I can. I have to accept my situation as it unfolds - as there is no one but me that can take care of me. I'll be okay in the end - I know that - I am certain of it - and I will do everything I can to offer my sons a wonderful life.
Veronica - as I mentioned I'm doing okay...just feeling the pain for a while this morning and then I'll get moving and doing what I have to do today. A few things I've come to realize are that I need to stay busy, I need to get out of the house more, I need to take care of things around the house - and I need to allow myself to interact more with other people.
............ Some quick journaling
Yesterday I decided not to talk about my M with anyone that would see throughout the day - I would answer questions if asked, but I would not bring it up on my own....and it felt great. My writing partner and I met with our manager - and just talked about careers moves and what sort of stuff we should be writing - and all I said about my situation was that I am going to move to a smaller place at the end of next month...other than that it was all about moving on and staying healthy - and finding ways to be happy.
Last night a friend and I went to see Benjamin Button...which I thought was just okay...and way toooooooooooo similar to Forrest Gump - visually stunning, excellent acting, but just too much of the same story...and, oddly enough, hardly any conflict - which made it a very strange film to watch and stay engaged. Anyway - we saw the movie - and before it we talked about writing (he's also a screenwriter) and afterward we talked about how Ben Button stacked up against other films this year - like The Wrestler (amazing acting) or Gran Torino (weak script).
So...I read some stuff yesterday that just reminded me of the value of letting go (thanks for pointing me in the right direction, Veronica) - and also read something about how letting go is a mindset - but it doesn't mean that we have to act like we've given up or don't care - we can keep the letting go mindset - the detachment - while continuing to be kind and continuing to offer our own behavior as an example of being a good person. What's that mean for me...I won't chastise B anymore - even if she never says hello to me again - I'll just continue to say hello and goodnight and be kind - it's true to me - and I can control myself - and trying to get B to be a better person just won't get me anywhere...it's up to her and her willingness - it's not up to me...and so I'll just be kind to her - and love her - and know that we can't go back to what we had - and I'll completely accept the fact that I might have lost her already - and so that is how I'll move forward with my life...
Actually...to go back to Benjamin Button for a moment...what surprised me about the film - and the subtle thing that I thought was it's greatest strength - was the degree to which Benjamin practiced DBing...like Forrest Gump - he loved a woman that he just had to let go so she could do what she had to do with her life - and then when she was finished - she came back to him and loved him...it's optimistic and hopeful - and Benjamin was not pursuing - and just went on with his life with calm acceptance of anything that came his way...so there was some wisdom in the movie - the same wisdom you get in Forrest Gump - and the same kind of wisdom that we learn to understand here. Love, let go, accept the situation, stay calm and continue to live a fulfilling life.
