Is this a mid-life crisis?

[pauld2100]

Hello,
Can anyone tell me if a woman can have MLC? hope thats not a stupit question but mt W has for a second time split up with me and this time went on a dating spree. I said things at first that pushed her farther way, at first she way willing to wait a while but i pursued and made things worse. she is now seeing someone and shows no sign of wanting anything with me. I have not tried to contact her much sent a few emails accepting the blame in hopes of at least some kind of contact but ahe hold strong to what she is doing even though it has not been working well for her either. she has said she has to move on and said i should to but in the same massage said she would love me forever but can't try again. this is a pattern for her she gets upset and can only come to this solution. all I do now when she calls is be as happy as possable when she is faily cold. its as if she if forcing her self to bury her feelings in order to see other people.. She knows I love her and I don't see that she cares much about losing me... I would like to find a way to approch this the right way if she does contact me again.. for now I am staying with NC she has called me a few times...sorry to break in here but I am trying to learn what I am dealing with here..

[LolaL]

Dear Paul:

MIDLIFE CRISIS.

IT'S NOT JUST FOR MEN.

Lola

[yayoo]

I have put a post in the newcomers section, but I want some thoughts on MLC. From most of my reading, they say if a man is younger than 40 then it is not MLC, but.....

H just turned 30, became a manager (in process alienated friends at work), we got married after being together 11 years, dog died, house renos,poor family situation..... all of this and 2 months after marriage drops the bomb ILYBANILWY. Can this be MLC? I am on the rollercoaster where he tries and things are good, then he is done...we look at new houses and buy a car together...then he is done....he wants a divorce...then he wants sex... One day he is normal, and the next it is like an alien came and invaded his body. H doesn't remember what he says to the people around him....

I think MLC, but would relish some input. I don't think age matters when you have enough life events to trigger things. We live in the same house, but he has moved to the basement. Isn't life just wonderful!!!!

ANY INSIGHT WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!

Me 37
H 30
Bomb Oct/08 & Feb/09

[mnt_dreams]

Yayoo,

My H just separated from me. He's 31, I'm 44. I believe he's in a MLC too but I'll share his behaviors and you can see how it matches up. He married me 5 yrs ago. I have two kids, now D15 and S17. Never wanted kids but was great with mine. We used to do more things together, skiing, mnt biking, etc. With the kids in HS now, their activities have taken a lot of time and I didn't appreciate or spend time with H like I should have. He's been more distant the last couple months and last month announced he was going to our family's cabin to think. One month later, he's still there and says he "can't be with me", feels stuck and just wants to be alone. Feels he had to grow up early in life and now feels too much responsibility.

Maybe some differences to your sitch, but I would encourage you to do the 180 and just back off for awhile. Let H see how you're getting on with life (GAL) and what he's missing.

[yayoo]

Hey mnt_dreams,

Thanks for the post. Sitch does sound similar, sorry that to find you in the same boat! I have been doing the 180, but with MLC it doesn't work sometimes. H is up and then down and the roller coaster is what is killing me. There is also an OW in the mix, which totally adds to my problems.

H tells people that he just wants to be alone...but yet he is never alone. He goes away and hangs out with OW. When he is home, he does stuff with me or sits at home alone when I am out GALing. He pulls towards me then pulls away. I can't seem to make heads or tails of it.

We are in the process of selling our home and it sometimes seems like he is just hanging around for the payout. The problem is now that I can't trust him and doubt everything he says/does. I sit and just evaluate everything that he is doing to see if my DBing is working. I am really tired.

I have done a ton of research on MLC and I totally think that is what is happening. The hard part is when it is going to stop and will he ever figure out what he is missing with me.

[misshim]

I'm new here but I do believe my husband is having MLC also. What a roller coaster ride. My H left in November 2008, and i begged w/him.(dumb idea) i know. Finally after reading both books I realized alot about myself & H. I try 180's but I just can't understand him. Now he wants to come over on Friday night with fish fry's for us and our d-4. Our divorce is for June 29, 2009 (his idea) and i'm desperatly trying to hang on. He likes to come over & put his d-4 to bed but he just started hanging out after her bed to "small" talk. Nothing about our R only about his aches & pains and how he hates parents house. I did nicely let him know that i enjoy his company and our d-4 does too but it will have to change when the D is final. Was that dumb to say? I was hoping that he might think about that before the D happens.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I did nicely let him know that i enjoy his company and our d-4 does too but it will have to change when the D is final. Was that dumb to say? I was hoping that he might think about that before the D happens.

You read both books, what do you think?

Personally, yes it was dumb to say it. Little bit of pressure on your part to make him miss something...(hopefully on your part) It was a trick/tactic.

He is already more than likely thinking about how it will change after the D since he is actually getting along with you a bit more with those small talks. You reminding him, willing to bet, reminds him of the wife he didn't mind leaving, capice?

Become a better person, and make a thread here to introduce yourself.

[orchid01]

I am new to this forum but I just wanted to give my input. I think my H is also in a MLC and he just turned 38. I don't think there is an age limit...I have read that the age can range from late 20's to 60's. The unfortunate thing is that you cannot snap him out of it. He has to do it himself. Someone told me that he got himself to this place.......only he can get himself out.

Be patient. My backing away has definately taken the pressure off of him. If that is going to actually help, I really don't know at all. But, on the flip side, my issue is I need to GAL! I am and have been way too focused on H.

My prayers are with all of you going thru this.

[lonely44]

My husband has been going through MLC since May 2005, we had went to a counselor a few months after this had started and the counselor told me my husband was going through Mid-Life crisis. He has all the signs but still not sure to me if this is what it is or something more. The last few months he seems like he has been coming out of it and then on Mother's Day a family situation happened and it seems to have set him back almost like he's going through it again. He said to me just a few days ago he didn't realize how much damage he has done until Mothers Day when the situation took place. He has hurt so many people through all of this but I still Love him very very much. I'm so confused and don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone have advice for me? We are both 44 and we had our first child at age 38 and he is only 5 and doesn't understand why daddy is never here. I should say first child for me, he has two other kids from a prior marriage both are much older 26 and 17. This has been the loneliest four years of my life, my husband and I had a very good marriage, very loving, we hardly had any fights at all, now that's what we do all the time. I'm so afraid he will never come back. I was reading the six stages of MLC and at the end it says they will never be the same again, one night I was on a MLC chat room and the counselor said when he gets through this he will be a even better version of the man I married, I'm so confused to all of this. Can anyone help?

[2inlimbo]

I wish I could help, Lonely44, but I have no advice, just empathy. My husband was coming around last week, then we too had a "situation" and now he's being the biggest a** ever. It's so hard to be on this emotional roller coaster. Just keep doing the DB and take good care of yourself!!