DA Club

[SingleDad]

I'm doing the DA, but today WAW called me about switching parenting days because of my work conflict on Saturday. She won't give me a Sunday but instead two evenings. That won't work well with my job. My WAW response "take it or leave it... If you don't like it then change jobs". Pretty spiteful response on her part.

WAW thinks having a consistant full weekend is best for D3. I pointed out that is is good for the parent who has the consistent time, but for the person who doesn't, it is a long stretch without D3 and D3 has trouble getting off to school when I haven't seen her for 4 days - she doesn't want to leave me again.

So even doing the DA - bad conversation with WAW about D3 - hurts. I was hoping that at least NC for a while would follow-up with a friendly conversation. It wasn't.

[kassie]

silvagod,
Thanks for the encouragement! You are a sweetie yourself. I read that you had a tough time... understood. I don't know what is right or wrong but I would suggest that when you "screw up" I think detachment would say something like move on. Don't dwell on the mistakes, you apologized for saying things that seemed to be the truth. yeah...the timing wasn't good but I think if you are going to build a new R then you have to communicate how you feel about things - letting someone know what you like or don't like should be helpful information in a R not a blame game. I have found that when I make "mistakes" I do worse if I dwell on it and try to fix it than just ignoring it and moving forward. I think you had a good reason to turn to your W in the situation. If W can't respond positively let her had whatever her problem is at the moment. I think detachment would mean that you let her know what is going on, let her know what you need and then see how she responds. if she offers to help/support take it - if she has a problem then let it go at that point. She will reflect on her own behavior more if you drop it and leave. I have found that if I don't react at that point and let things go - my H thinks about it and recognizes that he did the wrong thing. If I point out his faults he w/d. Just like you told me - you are doing fine... you have a right to feel hurt and angry. Don't know how to read your thread so didn't... but I am sure you will tell how things went in court. Sorry to hear the news about that. It was easier when the kids screw up at young ages because they can't get into much trouble - but when they are adults, it is much harder to deal with. Thanks for being a sweetie to me and to others on this site - it helps! You are a wonderful person.

[kassie]

singledad,
Hope to say some helpful things to you - if not let me know. I went through the shared custody thing in my first marriage. It gets sticky sometimes. There are a few things to think of in a different way if you can -
#1 D3 is too young to know much but she does need to feel a close connection with the adults in her life for security however and whenever that is possible.
#2 - NC for 4 days isn't much to miss someone - but is it possible that your W is expressing anger toward you for NC? could she be missing you and not able to tell me? sep are hard and impair people's ability to communicate.
#3 - sounds like your W may be taking her anger meant for you out on your D3????
In any case - do what you know works with your W from the advice at his site and do what you know instinctively works for your D3.
As far as sharing time - do your best to work it out for all - and don't focus on each stitch as a personal attack. Keep up the good work - NC is harder with kids - almost impossible - DA very important skill to learn and do. Ask questions!

[kassie]

Having an OK week but afraid of the weekend. My H wants to get together, problem for me is that while he is making changes I am still afraid that we will argue, and he will walk out. I am having increasing difficulty with the yo-yo thing. Though we are separated I still feel "left" when he leaves during an argument. The first couple of months, I did the DA stuff and found it worked for dealing with his emotional stuff and being ok, but then I noticed my own issues coming out more and recognized what I had to do for myself. I really need healing - I am hurt very badly and part of that healing for me requires him being consistent with me. HELP. How do I balance the need to heal with the need to reconcile?

[kassie]

Can someone tell me what threads are and how to use them? How does someone post to a thread or read someone else's thread?

[silvagod]

Thank Kass,

To read another thread, there a 2 ways. Either go to the forum list from the menu near the top of the page, then go to the right area (this thread is in 'Walk-Away-Spouse'). Look in that area for the title of that person's thread and go and read. Or...

Click on the persons name in red next to their post, a menu wuill drop down, click on 'view posts' and then you can see every post tht person has made. Click on any one of them and it will take you to that post.

To reply, use the little menu at the bottom of each post. If ther isn't one, it means that the thread is locked and no more posts can be made. There is usually another thread that follows on.

If in doubt, just click everything you can and roam around for a while, you never know, you might find something. lol.

I may not be a lot of use in helping others in here for a day or 2 so please excuse me. I will back full of beans before long though and I won't disappear.

[kassie]

Hardest part of DA are two things - #1 - I find it disruptive to let things go, or walk out of room, or go on without him somewhere planned. Let me tell you about Christmas later.#2 is that I feel my own issues don't get addressed - only his do that way. Am I missing something? Anyone else feel this way?

[Startingover2]

Struggling today. I will go post about it in my thread in detail if anyone wants to comment. I could use it right now.

[silvagod]

Kass,

The idea of detaching is to work on YOU. It's not really a method to get your spouse to sit up and take notice (that is a side benfit when it works) It gives you time to concentrate on your own life and issues.

If you are feeling like they are not getting sorted, then what DO you feel when you aren't with / talking to your H?

SO2,

I'm with you, have replied in your thread. Stay strong.:)

[pearlharbr]

Horrible day yesterday. Uncontrollable crying which clearly indicates continued attachment. I really need to get back to the zen feeling of not caring what he does or who he's with.

On the plus side, it was practically NC as the only word we exchanged was "Hi" So I guess I can count it as day 1 of NC. Today may be day 2 as BF left early again.