Coach, You pulled the essential problem I'm having right out of my post...there's still something in me that thinks too much about changing her...even though I tell myself that there's nothing I can do - and even though I have accepted the mindset of letting her go - I do still have these thoughts about her changes...and I just have to let that go as well...since holding onto a wish for her to change is just like attaching myself to her all over again.
So, as you suggest, I'll stop wasting that energy - and respect the fact that what B needs to heal through is something that has nothing to do with me, my thoughts, my expectations or my pain - and no, I have no control over any of it (...the wisdom to know the difference)....
Over these last few months I have learned so much more about what it takes to be in a healthy relationship - so many things I was just wrong, wrong, wrong about - and I had no idea. When you're raised as a fixer and always encouraged to be that fixer as part of how people value you/use you/look to you - it's just not the first thing to come to mind as one of the problems...Sounds so naive to look back on it now, since it seems so obvious - even to my S11 - but I really just didn't get it until very recently...that loving someone means accepting them and not stubbornly believing that you love them so much that you wish more of for them that what they are willing to find for themselves.
Since B has moved out, all of my changes have truly become my own - and for my benefit - and through me for the benefit of my children. I know that I can change - as I've had no choice but to accept the need to change many things in me in order to find create a healthy foundation on which to build through all the pain of this ordeal. And I'm finding that my changes are becoming more permanent - though as I learn more about what I need to improve, I also find more things that I need to work on - which makes this whole process of becoming a better man a constant thing - something that I expect to be doing for the rest of my life.
Well....Coach...you really moved me with reminding me of the errant knight on the wandering horse and the wishing tree...and I think you're right, I have to be there horse in that scenario, finding the water, accepting the situation as it is, but knowing it will be fine...and I have to remember that the wishing tree is filled with pieces of paper tied to its branches...and each paper has a wish that matters...
Do it now! No regrets...that's what my crew coach used to tell us in practice - finish each race with no regrets - it was always a powerful message - and it's something I really needed to hear - just to remember how important it is to take on the challenges of life and face them with no regrets.
