As you know, I have been struggling with feelings not unlike yours lately. I have done some searching and am pretty sure that fear is at the heart of my latest round of misery.
I am not saying fear is at the center of yours, just that perhaps there is something underlying all of this. I suggest this for another reason. You seem very bothered by the news of your FIL telling people your M is over. I have been fixated on the fact that H took off his wedding ring. He did this months ago and I have known it for months, and only now it is really bothering me? I know you just learned about your FIL's actions, but I think your reaction is too big for the news (I am not saying you are not entitled to your feelings or that what FIL is doing should not hurt). That's why I think what he did has maybe "hit a nerve" triggering a deeper emotion in you.
If you agree, maybe worth some emotional exploring to find the source and deal with that. I have posted about my discovery on my thread.
Carlos, Your W is exactly the same as mine. She struggled for so many years to become independent of her parents and now she is right back with them. My W hated her sister as her sister is so nasty, yet they have now become best friends. A friend of mine is a therapist and he said that eventually W will distance herself from her family again.
I hate this too. My W is really nice to me now, which make this even worse. My D is struggling in school now too. I just don't understand how some of these WAW's don't at least try to talk to us, especially since they know we have actually changed and become wonderful fathers and husbands.
Having a hard day today as well.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Carlos As usual Coach is pretty spot on. Were you really surprised by FIL comments\actions? You knew him well before. It was just the ugly truth of the reality that stinks. I think it is human nature for B. She is confused and scared. Now she is somewhat depending on her parents as a shelter, like every little kids will after they lost an argument/fight from the park. As you know, this is the process that she has to figure it out what's best for her.
At this point, what's best for Carlos? Whatever it is may not be the same what Carlos wants. Go with what you want, it will be tougher but much more rewarding.
The sadness will pass and I wish we can make it go away faster... The future is unknown and yet excited because you will have all the opportunities to become a even greater father\husband that you always want.
Got to believe, my friend.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Coach, You pulled the essential problem I'm having right out of my post...there's still something in me that thinks too much about changing her...even though I tell myself that there's nothing I can do - and even though I have accepted the mindset of letting her go - I do still have these thoughts about her changes...and I just have to let that go as well...since holding onto a wish for her to change is just like attaching myself to her all over again.
So, as you suggest, I'll stop wasting that energy - and respect the fact that what B needs to heal through is something that has nothing to do with me, my thoughts, my expectations or my pain - and no, I have no control over any of it (...the wisdom to know the difference)....
Over these last few months I have learned so much more about what it takes to be in a healthy relationship - so many things I was just wrong, wrong, wrong about - and I had no idea. When you're raised as a fixer and always encouraged to be that fixer as part of how people value you/use you/look to you - it's just not the first thing to come to mind as one of the problems...Sounds so naive to look back on it now, since it seems so obvious - even to my S11 - but I really just didn't get it until very recently...that loving someone means accepting them and not stubbornly believing that you love them so much that you wish more of for them that what they are willing to find for themselves.
Since B has moved out, all of my changes have truly become my own - and for my benefit - and through me for the benefit of my children. I know that I can change - as I've had no choice but to accept the need to change many things in me in order to find create a healthy foundation on which to build through all the pain of this ordeal. And I'm finding that my changes are becoming more permanent - though as I learn more about what I need to improve, I also find more things that I need to work on - which makes this whole process of becoming a better man a constant thing - something that I expect to be doing for the rest of my life.
Well....Coach...you really moved me with reminding me of the errant knight on the wandering horse and the wishing tree...and I think you're right, I have to be there horse in that scenario, finding the water, accepting the situation as it is, but knowing it will be fine...and I have to remember that the wishing tree is filled with pieces of paper tied to its branches...and each paper has a wish that matters...
Do it now! No regrets...that's what my crew coach used to tell us in practice - finish each race with no regrets - it was always a powerful message - and it's something I really needed to hear - just to remember how important it is to take on the challenges of life and face them with no regrets.
Veronica, Sometimes it seems that DBers walk parallel paths...I have been thinking so much about my fears these last few days - and realizing just to what extend my fears have been freezing me and harming my capacity to see beyond this pain...and so I've been taking some time to accept the pain and the fears - and I've been giving myself the space from those fears so that I can step forward and tackle them.
B'd dad's comments were really not surprising - and they did affect me because they just drove home the fact that all of this is out of my control - and that I have A LOT of stuff to change in my life. Being phased out of their life doesn't bother me that much - in that I don't mind being away from their toxicity - but the nerve it hit to hear that I am no longer married to B was the awareness that as my situation becomes public to strangers it also becomes more real - and so too does the need to change a lot of things in my life...things that I had neglected to change or work on for many years...and now I have to step up and become a better man...I just never expected that it would take a tempest of this magnitude to wake me from my slumber - and just like any threat that comes in the middle of the night - this tempest terrified me at first - but no I can see better through this darkness...and I know that I am not at fault for this storm and I also realize and accept that I have got to rebuild whatever gets destroyed...and I can.
I was just checking in on you. You're in good hands. My heart hurts for you & all the unwanted changes in your life.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hi everyone... I'm doing okay this morning. As usual, I wake in the mornings with that heavy feeling in my chest - and so it's really become a matter of getting up and pushing through it - and start doing something.
WhitneyP - B is far from being nice to me - though I don't think her way of being matters that much, to be honest...since working on me, as I'm coming to accept more and more, means that I have to stop worrying about her moods - and her anger.
NW - You're very right - I do have to believe - and I do have to remember that I will be fine no matter what happens. I know I will be - and I know that I have a lot of opportunities here - and it's just up to me to step up and take the chances and do the work. You always do a good job of nudging us back on track.
SmartCookie - Thank for coming by...and for your compassion. As unwanted as some of these changes are, I know that they're necessary - and I know that they're real and I have to take care of things as best I can. I have to accept my situation as it unfolds - as there is no one but me that can take care of me. I'll be okay in the end - I know that - I am certain of it - and I will do everything I can to offer my sons a wonderful life.
Veronica - as I mentioned I'm doing okay...just feeling the pain for a while this morning and then I'll get moving and doing what I have to do today. A few things I've come to realize are that I need to stay busy, I need to get out of the house more, I need to take care of things around the house - and I need to allow myself to interact more with other people.
............ Some quick journaling
Yesterday I decided not to talk about my M with anyone that would see throughout the day - I would answer questions if asked, but I would not bring it up on my own....and it felt great. My writing partner and I met with our manager - and just talked about careers moves and what sort of stuff we should be writing - and all I said about my situation was that I am going to move to a smaller place at the end of next month...other than that it was all about moving on and staying healthy - and finding ways to be happy.
Last night a friend and I went to see Benjamin Button...which I thought was just okay...and way toooooooooooo similar to Forrest Gump - visually stunning, excellent acting, but just too much of the same story...and, oddly enough, hardly any conflict - which made it a very strange film to watch and stay engaged. Anyway - we saw the movie - and before it we talked about writing (he's also a screenwriter) and afterward we talked about how Ben Button stacked up against other films this year - like The Wrestler (amazing acting) or Gran Torino (weak script).
So...I read some stuff yesterday that just reminded me of the value of letting go (thanks for pointing me in the right direction, Veronica) - and also read something about how letting go is a mindset - but it doesn't mean that we have to act like we've given up or don't care - we can keep the letting go mindset - the detachment - while continuing to be kind and continuing to offer our own behavior as an example of being a good person. What's that mean for me...I won't chastise B anymore - even if she never says hello to me again - I'll just continue to say hello and goodnight and be kind - it's true to me - and I can control myself - and trying to get B to be a better person just won't get me anywhere...it's up to her and her willingness - it's not up to me...and so I'll just be kind to her - and love her - and know that we can't go back to what we had - and I'll completely accept the fact that I might have lost her already - and so that is how I'll move forward with my life...
Actually...to go back to Benjamin Button for a moment...what surprised me about the film - and the subtle thing that I thought was it's greatest strength - was the degree to which Benjamin practiced DBing...like Forrest Gump - he loved a woman that he just had to let go so she could do what she had to do with her life - and then when she was finished - she came back to him and loved him...it's optimistic and hopeful - and Benjamin was not pursuing - and just went on with his life with calm acceptance of anything that came his way...so there was some wisdom in the movie - the same wisdom you get in Forrest Gump - and the same kind of wisdom that we learn to understand here. Love, let go, accept the situation, stay calm and continue to live a fulfilling life.
I had my kids last night so it was great. This morning after I dropped them off at school I had the tightness in my chest. I just thought about my kids and that they need and deserve to have their dad with them everyday. We all love our kids sooo much and would lay down our lives if we had to for our kids. My W love our kids very much as well. Yet, has not lifted her finger or even said a word to me about our family and M sine the B 13 months ago. I know, I know, just venting. I know I should not even be worried what she does or does not do. I am just hurting big time. I hurt the most when the kids leave me. I did not sign up for this life !!! Yes I am doing my best but it just hurts so much sometimes and the heavy heart is tough to bare. I just wish I could phone my best friend (my W) and talk to her like we used to when we first met.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Hey WP - I feel for you - I know how hard that is. I've been divorced from my first wife for ten years - and I still get sad when I drop my S11 off with her - especially after spending a lot of time with him. Still...I'm finding more and more that as I get stronger - and happier - my son feels more at ease and happier as well. He's learning from me - not just by the things I say - but more from the things I do...like getting up and taking care of things...for example - last Monday - he just wanted to lounge around and do nothing - after two days of soccer games, I didn't blame him - but I also knew that being active would make him happier - so I asked him to help be do the dishes - he protested, but did it. Then I asked him to make the pancakes that morning - that was met with lots of moans and groans - but once the pancakes were made, and he was enjoying a tasty bite of a chocolate/banana masterpiece of his own making...he was just thrilled - and smiled all through breakfast.
So...as strange as this might sound...I urge you to let her go completely to the best of your ability - just put aside all those desires for what was, what could be, what could have been...no...don't put them aside - mourn them....feel that pain and let it out of you...the catharsis is essential - and the more you let go, the more room you'll have to take care of you - and to maintain positive energy around your kids....
I have that tightness in my chest right now...but it's not about B - the tightness is about what I have to do for me - about finding a new job (I spent three hours today working contacts, getting word out that I'm looking for work), finding a new place to live (that's on the agenda for this weekend and most of February (second to finding the new job), and writing more (which I started doing today as well). The pain in my chest isn't about my M or B...it's about me...and it's telling that there's something I still have to take care of in myself. The pain tells me that something isn't right in me - not her - and so I have to look at that pain carefully and make sure I am honest myself about where it comes from....
That's my work for now - honesty with me about me...not focusing on B's problems/issues/pain - since that's hers to confront (if she ever does) - and I can love her as she moves through it or doesn't - but loving her does not mean that I have to be with her - it also means that I will take care of myself first so that my love is healthy and sound - and giving as love should be....since if I take care of myself, heal my pain, address my issues and and honest about myself while I trust in my ability to get through this - then I will be able to offer love, a kind of love, that I've never been able to give anyone before...since I will finally love without needing/expecting anything in return - it will be a love that emanates outward...and, sometimes, when I reflect on my love...I see that it had qualities of a black hole...and that would never have lasted.
