No hopes, no expectations. I told you I have neither of those, just my Faith and my belief, faith in my walk, belief in my walk and all that will keep me.
This is not a sign from her, and I don't expect it is. But it is a strange feeling right now. She looks worn, she looked tired, she tried to seem happy and carefree and it didn't work. All i could do was listen to her, because it felt so good to hear her voice and hear her talk to me, to me. To be the focus of her attention, evne for that brief period of time about something that is really upsetting to her. and it made me gfeel good, about just being me.
Is she testing the waters? I she coming around? who knows, who cares....What is important is she knows she can talk to me and I will listen, i don't judge, I didn't ask when I will get all my money i didn't arrange a "plan" for payments and I didn't tell her to forget it. because, really, none of it mattered. what mattered was dauighter in school, W has money for gas, repo'ng her car upset her, she is broke, i am not rich, butr I will not turn my back on her. Is my road paved and clear, yeah, baby, you know it is. I feel my walk is picking up speed now, one way or the other. But there is something still, something i cannot feel or understand, it is something He is moving me on this walk and talking with me, the paln is under way, Hi swords to me are clear, "Be understanding of her , be compassionate to her confusion, be there when she calls and open yourself when she needs you." i did all of that today and it feels really good.....
Oh, by the way, when I say instinctively, you know who guides that reaction now. My walk is working, I am no richer or poorer today, but I am better and feel better than ever since this began. I had not one negative thought the ride there, or at all after, I have had nothing but good thoughts, about ME!. DB'ng is working for me, I can tell you that. LRT seems to be getting going. But mostly now, I am calm, my mind is clear, I have no desire to talk over her or debate her or anything. I looked at her almost angelically today. and thought to myself, wow, ....
I have done everyhintg ove the past few months for me, my daughter and my home. i have done well, I have struggled, I have given up more and I am not missing it, and I felt today, that, again not meaning this competitively, but in the race for a complete and fuller and happier life, she isn;t even in the same stadium as me. i don't pity her because she has nothing, I pity her bvecause she is lost, she is where I was...That's why I pity her. I f she could do what I have done, self evaluation, self revelation and seeking answer from a higher authority, then she will see the light and folow it home. aMi wrong to be feeling so good about myself right now?
No. It's good to feel good about yourself if you feel good about yourself for all the right reasons. I'm glad you feel good about the interactions you've had, too. I don't know what's bugging me. Could be the term "pity". Could be absolutely nothing to do with your sitch - just the recall of my own. I'm just not sure.
You're saying a lot (here)- which is good - but I feel like something is missing or like maybe you are trying to convey too much to us here and in the past, that has meant something was amiss in a poster's real life...But like I said, it might not be you at all. It could be me. I'm not trying to be a wet blanket but I'll just have to get back to you...
Don't think I am missing anything, yeah pity is a pretty off word, but really the best descriptor. Al I am getting through is what He has been saying to me, be understadning, be compassionate, be there when she reaches out to you. become wha tit is she needs now, I felt I was some of that today. I felt little standoffish to her, but i think mostly because D17 was there and didn't want to give her a false impression. she was actually irritated that her mom was tlaking to me so much because she wanted to leave and i just let her mom keep going. I can't remember a time when my daughter said, well can you guys finish up the conversation so we can go....Kinda funny now that I think of it...No, just reall happy with how I feel, I handled myself, how I lsitened to her without any me, or money or you were worng or R/M tlak, just listened, intently.
i don't think I am hiding anything just wanted to let it all out in case there is something anyone can see. But happy, very happy about me..And no not because she has it rough, but because for 5-8 minutes today, i was more to her than anything else...And all we did was talk. she tslkd, I smiled and nodded. I am sure she gets a lot of agreement form OM and her friends when something bad happens about oh wow, they werre wrong, this was wrong, you don't deserve this...Reality is hard pill to swallow after living in lala land...God I hope I am not hiding something, I feel too good...
just to throw this out...and with Amyc's comments in mind, sometimes we can glimpse God's views but most of the time our egos are in the way. We have our scorecards, our own pain, and it clouds our vision. But now and then, we can see someone through God's eyes.
It is the line I really liked from the movie "Bruce Almighty", when Jim Carrey tells God that he doesn't just want Jennifer Aniston back; rather he wants Jennifer Aniston to be happy, and to be with someone who sees her, as he did then, through God's eyes...
Today I was lethargic about h and then I tried to do this; see him through His eyes and it does help. See their pain, the wounded child within, their dreams being dashed, and know that no one, including evil selfish WAS's, married us with the desire to hurt us, and God only knows what we've inflicted on them. We'll never really know the times our snide remarks or cold looks cut them to the core...or our overt actions and words of divorce, OP, etc, cut deeply.
Anyhow, thought I would share that. I think today what you described was seeing her, through His eyes. Even if only for a glimpse. Now, if we can only get her to see you through God's eyes, or see how you are viewing her, Lovingly.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
No, just reall happy with how I feel, I handled myself, how I lsitened to her without any me, or money or you were worng or R/M tlak, just listened, intently.
That's ALL REALLY good, LD. Like I said, it might not have been you at all.
I don't mean to cause you to second guess everything or question yourself, either.
And I don't want to sit on your thread and think outloud. That will only confuse the crap out of you and I'd only be guessing anyway. You know your sitch, yourself and your wife better than I ever could.
Just catching up before I call it a night (or morning at this point)....and I wanted to second the kudos from AmyC and 25yrsmlc...I thought you did great in your interactions yesterday.
One thing I think you need to work on is how you "think" of your W. Maybe the "pity" term struck me wrong too....I think it would be near impossible to be attractive to somebody that you "pity".....you need to be thinking of your W the way God sees her....a precious, unique vessel that He created...with "flaws" AND talents that make her special! Why don't you mentally keep the list all the wonderful things about your W? Leave the "flaws" to God to repair....if He chooses! I have been in "churches" that teach men to look at women as somehow lesser. This is usually very subtle....but, it is VERY dangerous and downright WRONG! I bring this up because I think sometimes we bring these male/female role issues into our homes. Be careful not to paint your W with too broad a brush. I'm not suggesting that we all (your W included) shouldn't be held accountable for our actions and choices....but, I think it is mostly best to let God do the account-keeping....while we dig the planks out of our own eye!
Sorry for preaching....or whatever....it's late! Good night!
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Yes pity is not a good word, but it was how I felt. And you know, tinking about all of your words, maybe I was looking at her through His eyes. I saw her pain, I saw her confusion, that is why I just let her talk, let her get some things out because it sounded to me like she wanted to. There was no me in the conversation other than my comment to her about the note and her mail I brought to her when I picked up D17 that night. That is what I meant by looking at her angeliically. Last night I was thinking how small she looked to me while she was talking, like I was taller or something. In my dreams she appears smaller to me also, this all dawned on me last night.
I looked at her not as my W, not as a bad person, but as someone who really is lost, who is in pain. And I let it be that way. I looked at her without emotion or feeling, but as someone lloking into her soul, I tried looking into her eyes, but she wouldn't hold her head up. Still feel good abotu how yestrday went, mostly because it has not set off a range of emotional garbage thru me. Still have the rage, still walking....didn't sleep well last night, the image of me lookingdown at her, We are almost the same height but the image has me almost to the ceiling looking down, like I would be to a small child. And in my dreams she appears smaller to me. Thats gotta mean something, maybe it is me just looking at her thru gods eyes...
LD, when a person goes through something like this that puts them so far down emotionally, physically, mentally, etc...it is so awesome for you to start to pull out of the nosedive and do things that are good for YOU - when you finally, FINALLY, start to feel better and your thinking process starts evolving from all you are learning...all of that is good...and we start to feel good about ourselves again - which is generally a good thing. But for anyone who is approaching their sitch from even the most remote spiritual sense, this can be a trap. And this is what has been bugging me (this did not start last night, I still read when I was banned) - I think you need to watch out that you don't become prideful - that you don't look too far down on her.
I know you will protest and say you are not doing that. But just hear the warning from someone that's been on both sides of that same trap. I don't think you're seeing her through His eyes or loving her with His heart. I think you might think that you are, though.
I'm not trying to argue with you, LD. I just want you to be alert. It's okay to disagree with me. I might not be right but this IS exactly what's been bothering me...
No I have to watch out for that, I don't want to make myslef the awesome person and her beneath me, not that is not the height thing. I saw your post, I just got backin the office, and i need to type this before it is out of my head.
I have told you all how powerful my dreams are, very real and mostly insighful. Anyway, in my dreams of her (yes coming home to me), I never see her face, she never picks her head up and when she starts to, I wake up. Also in the dreams and I have mentioned this to my mother that it bothers me or intrigues me more than bothers, is that she appears smaller to me. Yesterday it was like I was out of body looking at her. i didn't see myself, her and it was like I was floating up. I was thinking about the conversation, about how I looked at her and its fuzzy, like the memory really isn't mine.
I was worried in my dreams that her being smaller was me looking at her like she is a lesser person to me, thats not it. I am now thinking that the dreams had me looking at her through someone elses eyes, His. I t makes sense, don't you see. How I felt yesterday, how i hnadled myself the way I loked at her my dreams from before, This makes sense to me...It really does...I am seeing her thru His eyes, thats been the dream, I don't know what it means or will mean, but I get it now....I was worriend about being prideful (my choise was deiminished in value) when I looked at her, but it isn't that, I didn't get that vibe, I don't have that vibe.....
Yes, you are rtight to be worried and to warn, becasue i have been afraid of getting that way, but I'm not, don't you see, I wasn't happy because I am a btter person, i was happy becuase of who I am and how I was able to llok at her.
Thinking long and hard about what you said. The feeling that I got wasn't me, it wasn't a feeling of her coming back or some connection, it was a feeling of letting her release, letting her tell me tings, letting her start to open. My rage would have cut her quick, tell her I had to go. but you still maybe right and I am at a point now where one mistake could undo me, so keep a close eye.
something happened tonight that I diod not expect. W called from D29's house. D17 thought it was her sister so she gave me the phone, it was w. she said hello and I had to do a double take, still don't recognize her voice, talk about being dark,. she asked if D17 was home and saifd yes and before I could say hold on, I'll get her, she started in with " so how was her first day at this program, duid she like it, what did she have to say?" I told her she liked it but it was only one day, "Oh, did she know anyone, make any friends, how were the classes, does she know the teachers." she asked how she is, her demeanor I said a little beter than before. then she asked if I got a hold of my son and D21 about coming ove saturday for a family get together. I told her I told D21 and would call son. she said good, Nana just wants family around her, she is very excited to see you, too bad you couldn't come over now.
I let her talk to me and ask questions, answered what i could and told her I'd get D17. she said OK, talk to you later. Huh????!!!!
Amy, i said yesterday that I felt i thought I made her feel really at ease, and she seemed to be, now she is calling me about all this, not D29, not the Nana, W??!! I am surprised, a little, but the call was very nice and cordial, Road paved and clear so to speak. Again, no expectations, could be a show for her mother, showing her we get along and what not, doubt it, D29 has clued int he Nana...And trust me, Me and D29 are tight and we don't talk about it, but she looks in my eyes when i talk and sees it...
Again, i was sounding very indifferent, not happy, not upset, not angry, not mad, not emotional at all. i was more interested in hearing her talk. I think she meant for D17 to answer, bvut He works in myusterious ways. Again, I do not take this as a sign, but once again, I felt better. I actually felt better. I was just about to fall asleep on the couch when she called, after that i went to the gym for an hour and a half and really got it going...
Yeah, maybe not so much thru His eyes and thru His heart, but something is different, about how I feel. I know you don't think it is thru him, maybe it is thru me and maybe He is wanting it this way, for her to see him, but thru me. does that make sense.
Anyway, feel good again, not emotional, no feeling, not covering my bed with rose petals, but something is different...
