Was too busy at work to talk. Oh I wanted to, considering I didn't even know it was her when she called. She asked for what she wanted, the time of the meeting and could she borrow $10 for gas. I felt I had to end the call, the rage was there, but I felt my heart melting at the sound of her voice, the tone, and again, that I didn't even recognize it was her.
Still have the feeling of grabbing her and shaking her and telling her she belongs with me, to end this crap and realize where she needs to be. LRT, make sure i end the conversation, leave her hanging on my words. My terms.
Even after the meeting I could have stood there all afternoon and listened to her without saying a word. Not a single word. And i could have cared less about what she was saying, just to be there with her to have her talking "to me". to be the one she was focusing on, to be the person that she seemed to want to talk to. It was at that point in time I realized the LRT is working. All she ever talks to me about is money woes. this was her car and them taking it and her justification of why they shuoldn't have, and that's when I looked at her with such pity saying, Jesus help her, can she hear this crap coming out of her mouth. I told her i gave her the mail, I gave her a note that said you must contact them by %:00 PM on January 8th. Her response was I left a message. They were wrong, she was right...They shut my lights off in September, because we didn't pay the bill on time, I got the money and got my act together, they turned of my gas a week later because we didn't pay the bill and once again she went paperless and had the bill sent to her email address, I didn't blame anyone, I paid it and moved on a week later they shut off my phone, once again, paperless the bill was sent to her email address, I paid it and moved on and blamed, no one.
You see she is doing nothing wrong in her mind, its everyone else. And I don't care. Come home to me and we can make all of this crap go away eventually, by yourself, with OM, you are doomed. she is in quicksand.
The rage saved me today. But it was what I had told you this morning about what I was saying to myself last night, why I thought I did, and I was right. I needed the fuel to get through what i got through. I don't care about how I shined, all I know is that I was there for my daughter, I let the vp and her guidance counselor speak i let her mother speak and I listened. I said what I had to say, I offered my opinion and in the end it was the decision, I made, she agreed, but I made the decision. I didn't ask her what she thought, I don't really care what she thinks righ t now regarding anything. I did what was right for my daughter, I am no martyr, I am not controllling her, I am doing what is right. And i felt damn good about it. How did i look to W, who knows, who cares. But I will give you this, no tears, not upset, not anything when I walked away, because for the first time since this crap has begun, I felt like a complete person. I felt like the better person, i felt like the happier person. No its not a contest or a race. But you know what, I was totally in control of me, the situation, the conversation and nothing she said or did influenced it at all. Yeah, i'm thinking that is what detaching feels like.
She may not want to jump back home with me, but she's got to be thinking, holy [censored]! Who is this guy...I thank God for the walk, I thank God for bringing me back to his house, I thank God for all He has done with me, not for me, with me. Because now I feel like a real person, complete and in control of myself. I hate to admit it, bit I never even realized I didn't give her a kiss good-bye until I got back to work, and realized, I didn't want to. the rage, put there by God, used by LonelyD, and for once I am finally doing this DB'ng damn thng right.
