M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I hear you. But if what he's doing seems as if it is bringing her around or getting her to be nicer, then isn't it "Working"? If so, well, heck, I don't know what to say. I feel as if there's hope from her sitch but I don't know what approach is best for her. The applauding, LD, is hard to do I know. Really hard. But LD remember how you want her to know that IF she wanted to come back, it wouldn't be impossible? I mean, what do you feel helps you the most to your goal? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My thinking is - if she starts coming out of her shell a little bit (by appearing talkative) you don't slam the shell closed on her face. Of course I always think back to myself when I was MLC and all I can do is think "how would I have felt if...?" and I know it would have been twice as long before I reached out again...if i did...but that was ME.
It is so hard to say what to do. LD this is where you've just really got to lay down your flesh and seek God's direction. Die to self. It's the hardest and most repetitive thing you will ever have to do on this walk. The things you think and the things you feel...you've got to lay them aside and open yourself up to nothing but Him. That's the only way you'll end up with the "right" answer.
Was too busy at work to talk. Oh I wanted to, considering I didn't even know it was her when she called. She asked for what she wanted, the time of the meeting and could she borrow $10 for gas. I felt I had to end the call, the rage was there, but I felt my heart melting at the sound of her voice, the tone, and again, that I didn't even recognize it was her.
Still have the feeling of grabbing her and shaking her and telling her she belongs with me, to end this crap and realize where she needs to be. LRT, make sure i end the conversation, leave her hanging on my words. My terms.
Even after the meeting I could have stood there all afternoon and listened to her without saying a word. Not a single word. And i could have cared less about what she was saying, just to be there with her to have her talking "to me". to be the one she was focusing on, to be the person that she seemed to want to talk to. It was at that point in time I realized the LRT is working. All she ever talks to me about is money woes. this was her car and them taking it and her justification of why they shuoldn't have, and that's when I looked at her with such pity saying, Jesus help her, can she hear this crap coming out of her mouth. I told her i gave her the mail, I gave her a note that said you must contact them by %:00 PM on January 8th. Her response was I left a message. They were wrong, she was right...They shut my lights off in September, because we didn't pay the bill on time, I got the money and got my act together, they turned of my gas a week later because we didn't pay the bill and once again she went paperless and had the bill sent to her email address, I didn't blame anyone, I paid it and moved on a week later they shut off my phone, once again, paperless the bill was sent to her email address, I paid it and moved on and blamed, no one.
You see she is doing nothing wrong in her mind, its everyone else. And I don't care. Come home to me and we can make all of this crap go away eventually, by yourself, with OM, you are doomed. she is in quicksand.
The rage saved me today. But it was what I had told you this morning about what I was saying to myself last night, why I thought I did, and I was right. I needed the fuel to get through what i got through. I don't care about how I shined, all I know is that I was there for my daughter, I let the vp and her guidance counselor speak i let her mother speak and I listened. I said what I had to say, I offered my opinion and in the end it was the decision, I made, she agreed, but I made the decision. I didn't ask her what she thought, I don't really care what she thinks righ t now regarding anything. I did what was right for my daughter, I am no martyr, I am not controllling her, I am doing what is right. And i felt damn good about it. How did i look to W, who knows, who cares. But I will give you this, no tears, not upset, not anything when I walked away, because for the first time since this crap has begun, I felt like a complete person. I felt like the better person, i felt like the happier person. No its not a contest or a race. But you know what, I was totally in control of me, the situation, the conversation and nothing she said or did influenced it at all. Yeah, i'm thinking that is what detaching feels like.
She may not want to jump back home with me, but she's got to be thinking, holy [censored]! Who is this guy...I thank God for the walk, I thank God for bringing me back to his house, I thank God for all He has done with me, not for me, with me. Because now I feel like a real person, complete and in control of myself. I hate to admit it, bit I never even realized I didn't give her a kiss good-bye until I got back to work, and realized, I didn't want to. the rage, put there by God, used by LonelyD, and for once I am finally doing this DB'ng damn thng right.
I didn'tlam the conversation closed, it just wasn't the time for it. Rmemeber me saying, I feel like maybe I should contact her and jsut ask how its going asnd what not. that was before today happened. It is n't a coincidence that I felt I wanted to communicate with her and bam, she called me. Once again for help and some info. but I can't believe it was for just that. Is it possible she is now the one testing the waters. I was very nice to her today, very nice. I talked with her about her car, let her talk. Offered my 2c, and she went into how she talk to the bank this and talked to this one that..We walked together and talked about it. she told her views. It was mostly bs, but she seemed like she wanted to talk to me, "TO ME"!
So I let her. Yes , trust me, my feelings were aside, the rage does that as I explained. There is no emotion in that, it is pure instinctive behavior. When we left there was woman teacher watching the door. when we got to her I looked over at her as my W was gabbing away about how she needs to get her car fixed. the teacher said bye, have a good day, and I said you too, and she smiled and said thank you. I continued walking and looked over at w and saw she had stopped talking. I smiled and she started again and she thanked me again for the money and I kissed D good-bye. W said I don't know how late we'll be, and I said well she's with you over D29, I am not worried. But call if you stay over. And we said bye.
Amy, 25year, FH ,t'gone, DD is you all were there and around the corner you woudllv've been high 5'ng me around the building. It was not an act, it was as natural as natural. YEs 25year, thats what I saw, the LRT is working, just listen to her. and it wasn't the conversation, it was that she was so focused on telling me things, I mean at that small amount of time, I was everything to her. My mind was telling her, this is why I am here, this is who you should be with , the man who listens to your problems, nods his head and helps figure out how to fix it and move on...I wasn't that person, maybe for a while, but I am the tyope of person she needs now.
No, Amy, I am not slamming doors, but you hit the nail on the head. May be she thought, wow,this is how he must've felt when this all tstarted when he kept trying to communicate with me and I just ignored him. I didn't ignore her or treat her bad. As you remember from thanksgiving, this is miles over that. This weekend I was afraid of her being around, nervous, I now can't wait. I wil put out some food, cooking and doing a little baking. Have some people coming over. I will be entertaining company, hopefully she wil be here to spend more time with mom and family and firends and not out with OM. But it will be more of the same from me, I will not exclude her from conversation, I willnot be short. But she will see my house, not our house, she will see friends and family getting togther and laughing and will feel all that love, and if at the end she doesn't miss that feeling and that type of enviironment, then God has His work cut out for Him.
I used all of your advice Amy, yours Sandi, FH, Tgone, DD, 25 year. I used my rage. I used my feeling that this will never end, that DB'ng isn't working, I used the words I spoke l;ast night. but mostly, I used the feeling I couldn't wait to tell you all about this morning, the feeling of not BEING ABLE TO EVEN SAY THE WORDS I HAD SAID AS I LAY TRYING TO GO TO SLEEP! I used that absence of emotion and feeling to react positively, instinctively and graciously. And I couldn't have felt better about myself. I felt great relief for my daughter. I could see the weight lift from her. But mostly i could no longer feel my chains. She seemed easier talking to me, more relaxed and maybe 25year is right, maybe she is coming around and to use your words from a while ago, Amy, maybe now she is testing the water, maybe everything in my mind, my heart and my soul are right about this, for oncee, all parts of me are in sync.
crossing myself and my fingers and sending you positive thoughts...take it slow. Breathe, and trust Him. j
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She seemed easier talking to me, more relaxed and maybe 25year is right, maybe she is coming around and to use your words from a while ago, Amy, maybe now she is testing the water, maybe everything in my mind, my heart and my soul are right about this, for oncee, all parts of me are in sync.
Oh, by the way, when I say instinctively, you know who guides that reaction now. My walk is working, I am no richer or poorer today, but I am better and feel better than ever since this began. I had not one negative thought the ride there, or at all after, I have had nothing but good thoughts, about ME!. DB'ng is working for me, I can tell you that. LRT seems to be getting going. But mostly now, I am calm, my mind is clear, I have no desire to talk over her or debate her or anything. I looked at her almost angelically today. and thought to myself, wow, ....
I have done everyhintg ove the past few months for me, my daughter and my home. i have done well, I have struggled, I have given up more and I am not missing it, and I felt today, that, again not meaning this competitively, but in the race for a complete and fuller and happier life, she isn;t even in the same stadium as me. i don't pity her because she has nothing, I pity her bvecause she is lost, she is where I was...That's why I pity her. I f she could do what I have done, self evaluation, self revelation and seeking answer from a higher authority, then she will see the light and folow it home. aMi wrong to be feeling so good about myself right now?
