TRUSTINGS NEW BEGINNINGS

[TRUSTING]

I am glad that this helped, it also helped me when I heard it.

Ok. so don't hate me. I want my ex to feel the pain of what he did. I wish this pain on him big time. Through pain, we grow. Through pain, we experience remorse and repent. Through pain, we change our lifestyle and become humble. Through pain, we mature.

[Dawn of Hope]

Heh, Trusting, I don't hate you...I kinda feel the same way! I always thought I'd be a "wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy" kinda person, but for quite a while I've been wishing for my H to experience the agony I have gone through because of his actions...I feel guilty about not turning the other cheek, but (although I'm doing gradually better) this pain has been several orders of magnitude worse than anything else I've ever experienced, and I don't think he (or anyone else) should get off scot-free for such absolutely *HORRENDOUS* behavior.

Hmmm, do you think I need to go back to Forgiveness 101? Perhaps the remedial class...

Peace,
Dawn

[cagzmom]

I too want my x to feel it ALL!! My reasons are mixed. SOME are because it would be nice to see him hurt (sorry) BUT MORE it is so that he can SEE himself and HEAL. He keeps avoiding hurt and pain- he is a runner.... and he is good at it.

The OW...I have to work on my part of forgiveness because there isn't much inside of me. I wish she would just go away..but she keeps showing up.. (and she lives 3 hours away!!)

I agree with what you said earlier T, about the truth about thier regret.... My sister was a WAW years ago. She has told me that the PAIN she felt when she FACED what she had done was almost too much to bear. She ran as hard as she could AWAY from her pain - until the running was harder then facing it...and even then there was more pain. I dont think she ever said sorry to her x...or she may have I dont know (or can't remember) but I KNOW she has to her children. For hurting them (her xh had custody of the kids!). i know her pain because i watched it.

They know what they have done... they just dont care. AND when it does hurt - or the pain does show up.. THEY FIND A WAY TO AVOID the pain..either with spending, drinking, sex or hiding... (at least that is how I see it)

[ACJ]

Ok it's official: I am crazy

I have no intention of forgiving OW. Other people tell me she is not to 'blame' as H met her after he left me (but only just) BUT he was not free to enter into a new R. Hell he still isn't! So as far as I'm concerned she has been VERY complicit in the hurt that has been caused to me and my children. In fact I can categorically say she has been out and out nasty to my children. She may have been ignorant to start off with that he had a W and kids but when he went out of his way to ensure we all had sight of each other she stuck like glue. So no she does not have my forgiveness and never will.

My S16s GF recently told me that she and OW had had a convo about all that has happened (not sure why) and apparently OW said she did feel guilty about keeping H away from his family. Not so guilty that she has walked away though. This tells me two things:

[list]
[*]That H must have at some point expressed his guilt at leaving us otherwise why would she say she was keeping him from us?
[*]That OW is definately out to get all she can from H

So I'm going to pre-empt the next set of possible questions about how I can forgive H and not OW:

I don't think I have yet forgiven him (and again probably never will) but I do believe that MLC is a mental illness and therefore I am able to show compassion.

I don't think OW who clearly seek a father figure (in my case OWs father just recently turned 50, H will be 44 in a few weeks time) are suffering from a mental illness although they are clearly lacking something in thier lives. There are other ways to solve this rather than destroying the lives of other people whose paths you would never had crossed had you not entered into an illicit R. Whilst I am sad for her that she clearly does not have the R with her father that I have with my own father I do not have compassion b/c she didn't try to fix it in a better way.

H & OW are both running away from something. They are feeding off each other's negative behaviours. I want no part of that. My'old' H had morals and convictions; somewhere along the way he lost them.

[forward]

All, I think forgiving is difficult, so I don't blame anybody for wishing pain on ex. It comes and goes. Let's just be real--we are human and imperfect and forgiveness is TOUGH.

I thought a lot about forgiveness and have worked at it, but...you have to feel it. You can think it and try to be right, but it is not easy to do. Overall if we have backslides, we have to forgive ourselves.

And I think part of forgiveness is forgiving ourselves, too. Yes, we made mistakes, too, but ultimately we are human and imperfect as well.

This is why advice to tend to our own needs is so important. If we don't do this, it is easier to feel resentment and harder to forgive. If you are happy, it's easier to feel some empathy for the other person.

I am starting to feel more happy.

[cagzmom]

Trusting - I dont know how you do it. i am an idiot!
i engaged in conversation - questions of course stemming from ME with x tonight!! I am a fool -- he didn't want to talk..i said..fine hang up and i will show up at your place.. i am a fool.

i just want fing closure. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND ALL THIS!!!

[TRUSTING]

Cagz,

Do not be so hard on youself. You are surviving a situation most cannot.

Leave him alone. Go as dark as you can.

He is not cooked yet, not even close.

He is not worthy of you,,,,,,,,,yet......

Chalk it up as a mistake and move forward.

I have done this also, we all do it. We all want closure. They have no idea what that word means. They also don't know what the word reality means.

Love,
Trusting

[cagzmom]

t- i emailed you..

[happynow]

Hi Trusting,

Just wanted to check in on you & I hope you are doing well. Thank you for posting to my thread!

((((HUGS))))

[Cinderellaman]

just wanted to say that I too understand all these feelings. Yes, we want some kind of closure. Like a parent who's child has been missing, yet they are unsure of it's death. Until we actually SEE the (dead) child, we cannot properly let go.

It's a hard road we travel, and many who have preceeded have told me, it takes TIME, lots and lots of TIME.


I remember when I first came here, it was what everyone would say....time, time, time.

I still have SO MUCH to learn, so much to accept and deal with, even after all this time...as many of us here.

One day we will wake up and notice, that we have gone our own way and it is no longer important and we will be able to look back with a melancholic feeling yet realize it is no longer what we want in life. We will be at a new place.

I hope that day reaches all of us.

Take care xx