My horoscope today.... Emotionally, you are torn between two paths. The outcome of your decision will affect a few people and the direction of their lives. Concentrate on things that will make you happiest over a longer period of time - and stick to your word.
Blimey..... cos Venus (planet of love) is now almost exactly conjunct Uranus (the revolutionary, take a chance, new path and freedom from old constraints planet) and both are in your sign of Pisces and they will be exact Thu/Fri when its most powerful. But they are also both opposite Saturn in the sky (planet of the tried and tested old path, responsibility and duty to others/the 'father')...Its a dichotomy alright ! xxx
(Astrologers are saying that the odds are tipping in favour of the 'Uranus' energy right now, in this current titanic Uranus-Saturn battle, as its being supported by Jupiter. I wont bore you with the technicalities, but since yesterday...when Obama got sworn in, out with the old gaurd, in with the new revolutionary thinking and dawning of a new age for America and the world....). Effects of this will last all year.. until Jupiter moves into Pisces in 2010 and then you and me...and all Pisceans, are set for a brilliant year !! Just in time for our 40th! It will be our best ever year out of the last 13 and next 12.
You can do whatever you want, say whatever you want.
This is your kumquat.
My new thing is facing my fears. If something sproinks me, I do something, or at least try to.
I've been living life looking through a rear view mirror, relying on peripheral vision, wanting others to guide me while I watch my back. Wow.. time to reverse that trend!
Oh yes.. and Happy Birthday.. the bomb the birth date of new beginnings.
So, I went to my C. She heard me, I tried to be honest and I was but it was one of those days where you dont want to talk much. Bad timing I guess. I wasnt in the mood. As a result she saw no emotion, just heard a report from me.
She said I sound very negative, and that if I do anything because I feel I have to, I'll be just postponing my decision. She thinks H seems to be pushing me to regain my position in the R where I will lead and he will follow within his familiar zone. She udnerstands I cant do that anymore and agrees that I should resist like I am. She says if we have a chance it must be by starting all over again, date, have passion, curiosity, lust, patience, the way you have with someone you meet. She said use your old R only as an example to be avoided.
She thinks I should leave the past behind and start fresh. She is very against me doing anything for the kids. She thinks if my one on one R with H cant have a life on its own, then its doomed.
She proposed an 8 weeks work plan with her and with an MC having meetings with both of them and me and H at the same time, during which they will lead us to work. At the end of these 8 weeks, not a day longer, decide if we can continue. If not, she thinks we should end it once and for all. She thinks a dealine is a must have cause my H will drag his feet to...eternity if he can. He needs to realise -so do I- that the time to act is now.
She knows us both and she could tell immediately where we are stuck. She made a big issue about leaving old patterns behind and finding our new roles and be happy with them. She said old patterns havent been successful, you should just forget about what you've tried.
I did tell her what has happened in my life and I did ask her if the "comparison" of feelings makes it so hard for me, if my head/heart got excited too much and I cant focus here. She told me what I want is what I should get from H. A normal, passionate, caring, exciting R. If me falling in love reminded me those things, then that is a good thing, it formed a goal for me, set me standards. I was surpised she told me if feelings arent there, it's a war lost. But feelings may come back after these 8 weeks if I work hard and forget the past. I felt good I was told I shouldnt ignore my feelings.
She made a big issue about the kids. She said this is a huge responsibility you have now, and this time it's 50-50. Not just his.
She told me I am negative because I get no satisfaction and H should concetrate on giving me some (NOT sexual). She said he cant be saying "I am not doing anything cause I dont know if you will respond". We should both think of doing things as we do when we first date someone, we do things anyway, not knowing if the other person will like. We risk and learn.
She made a big point about how being together with the kids wont work. She said you are using the kids to bring you back together. You need time alone. She said the following I liked very much : when you meet and get closer on a Saturday and then the whole week you go back to "normal", there is a gap, inconcistency. Nature doesnt like gaps and tries to fill them in. Since you two have no new routines, roles etc, natures fills the gaps with what is familiar, old patterns and associated feelings. You need to break this cycle by creating new roles/routines etc to get you thru until the next time you meet and build on that every week. She said, we are starting over again every weekend and destroy what we "make" during the week. This is excactly how I feel about it.
So, I need to tell H tomorrow, couldnt get myself to do it tonight. If he agrees we will start this weekend. K
I'm not sure what the "it" is that you seem to think I feel you do not have.
Reading what your counselor said to you, well, I agree with most of what she said.
Your heart has not been in this reconciliation. I understand why and have tried to express that in my posts to you. It is difficult when we have finally found peace, to be thrust back in to the "repair" mode. Especially when WE have finally reached the point where we are not interested in repair anymore.
Things are further complicated by the pressures we feel to go ahead and try because of family, children, friends.
The thought I was trying to share was that a rebuilding of the relationship between the two of you required a committed effort on BOTH of your parts. It is certainly true that your husband needs to do much more. But you also have to find a way to move from your rigid position of waiting for his movement.
You are on one side of the teeter-totter (gee, hope you know what that is) and he is on the other side.
To this point, my view of your situation is that you have been waiting for him to move over to your side.
I think what really needs to happen is that the two of you need to meet in the middle.
Regardless, I hope you understand that I sympathize with your current situation. I think I know that it is incredibly difficult. And like the others who write to you, I want you to find that place in your life where you are able to shine again.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
xxx