So, I went to my C. She heard me, I tried to be honest and I was but it was one of those days where you dont want to talk much. Bad timing I guess. I wasnt in the mood. As a result she saw no emotion, just heard a report from me.
She said I sound very negative, and that if I do anything because I feel I have to, I'll be just postponing my decision. She thinks H seems to be pushing me to regain my position in the R where I will lead and he will follow within his familiar zone. She udnerstands I cant do that anymore and agrees that I should resist like I am. She says if we have a chance it must be by starting all over again, date, have passion, curiosity, lust, patience, the way you have with someone you meet. She said use your old R only as an example to be avoided.
She thinks I should leave the past behind and start fresh. She is very against me doing anything for the kids. She thinks if my one on one R with H cant have a life on its own, then its doomed.
She proposed an 8 weeks work plan with her and with an MC having meetings with both of them and me and H at the same time, during which they will lead us to work. At the end of these 8 weeks, not a day longer, decide if we can continue. If not, she thinks we should end it once and for all. She thinks a dealine is a must have cause my H will drag his feet to...eternity if he can. He needs to realise -so do I- that the time to act is now.
She knows us both and she could tell immediately where we are stuck. She made a big issue about leaving old patterns behind and finding our new roles and be happy with them. She said old patterns havent been successful, you should just forget about what you've tried.
I did tell her what has happened in my life and I did ask her if the "comparison" of feelings makes it so hard for me, if my head/heart got excited too much and I cant focus here. She told me what I want is what I should get from H. A normal, passionate, caring, exciting R. If me falling in love reminded me those things, then that is a good thing, it formed a goal for me, set me standards. I was surpised she told me if feelings arent there, it's a war lost. But feelings may come back after these 8 weeks if I work hard and forget the past. I felt good I was told I shouldnt ignore my feelings.
She made a big issue about the kids. She said this is a huge responsibility you have now, and this time it's 50-50. Not just his.
She told me I am negative because I get no satisfaction and H should concetrate on giving me some (NOT sexual). She said he cant be saying "I am not doing anything cause I dont know if you will respond". We should both think of doing things as we do when we first date someone, we do things anyway, not knowing if the other person will like. We risk and learn.
She made a big point about how being together with the kids wont work. She said you are using the kids to bring you back together. You need time alone. She said the following I liked very much : when you meet and get closer on a Saturday and then the whole week you go back to "normal", there is a gap, inconcistency. Nature doesnt like gaps and tries to fill them in. Since you two have no new routines, roles etc, natures fills the gaps with what is familiar, old patterns and associated feelings. You need to break this cycle by creating new roles/routines etc to get you thru until the next time you meet and build on that every week. She said, we are starting over again every weekend and destroy what we "make" during the week. This is excactly how I feel about it.
So, I need to tell H tomorrow, couldnt get myself to do it tonight. If he agrees we will start this weekend. K
