I know, but it wasn't what I was thinking, it ws coming out of my mouth, I heard myself saying it. then this morning, I couldn't utter the words. My mind just wouldn't form them.
I am sure it was something subconscious because of being mnear her at the school meeting today. I was most likely doing it in my mind so that there would be zero expectations and I would control a huge "as if " presence.
I know those weren't His words, as I got up this morning and couldn't utter them. I think it was my rage because I don't see the other one climbing into my head and making me say things.
What concerns me is just what you posted, I spoke them, repeatedly. I am hoping I am right about my rage influencing my mind to protect me from any expectations. I am praying that is what it was.
Did get the image I asked for though and like i said, it was the last image I saw before I fell off. More than likely we spoke on the walk after that. I have no reason for those words. None absolutely none. so I believe it was my rage prepping me for detaching while being in front of her. I will let you know later howit is going.
I really need to run this by you, byt he way, glad your back, now i can bother you twice as much.
Amy, follow me on this and see if this thought is realistic. I won't use the word rational, just realistic.
Here goes: I have been using LRT and have really played dark, except for holidays and when I needed car ins money. I stopped the car ins thing to keep me dark. OK, that is my position now. I have removed her clothes from my room and have stored them away, there are no pictures of us anywhere in the house and no pictures of her at all. If you didn't know any better, she never existed in my house. OK, that is my physical postion at home right now. She sees this. She has commented on it to friends, mostly to say oh I'm glad he's moved on. Heard that too many times. Here is the thing: If in her state of mind, she believes I have oved on, I am not showing her anything, no calls, no attention, mnothing, I have removed the evidence of her existence from my home with obviously the exception of my kids. If she believes I amover her and have completely moved on, and she believed there is no coming back for her, would that hold her in this relationship with OM feeling that she has no other option? I know it is super analytical. But I did some reading and this has come up. I am keeping my road clear, but is it possible to push LRT to hard and even being dark to hard to the point of being the extreme of pursuing, but having the same effect? Just want to get your thoughts on this. Could I be on to something and if the LRT isn't showing me much, do I try initiating contact every now and then just to ask how she is? The LRT just isn't working out.
this is always in the back of our mind when we detach or go dark or wonder wth to do. Don't know that there's a real answer except to do what seems to work. But that has two dimensions, or more. For one thing, it's not only about whether your w comes back but how YOU are doing. Perhaps this detaching is what you need to do to survive, and of course I don't know what effect erasing your wife has, on the d's at home. I mean, the m is still worth remembering b/c if it weren't for the m, you would not have these beautiful daughters. You may want to tell them that btw.
My d19 asked if I ever felt trapped into staying with h b/c of them and I said I felt grateful that h and I met and married for without that, these children would not be. No matter what ended up happening, I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat, if the only way to have these new people in my life was to marry h. Don't know if this helps but Amyc will have wiser words I'm sure. Good luck, j
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Here goes: I have been using LRT and have really played dark, except for holidays and when I needed car ins money. I stopped the car ins thing to keep me dark. OK, that is my position now. I have removed her clothes from my room and have stored them away, there are no pictures of us anywhere in the house and no pictures of her at all. If you didn't know any better, she never existed in my house. OK, that is my physical postion at home right now. She sees this. She has commented on it to friends, mostly to say oh I'm glad he's moved on. Heard that too many times. Here is the thing: If in her state of mind, she believes I have oved on, I am not showing her anything, no calls, no attention, mnothing, I have removed the evidence of her existence from my home with obviously the exception of my kids. If she believes I amover her and have completely moved on, and she believed there is no coming back for her, would that hold her in this relationship with OM feeling that she has no other option? I know it is super analytical. But I did some reading and this has come up. I am keeping my road clear, but is it possible to push LRT to hard and even being dark to hard to the point of being the extreme of pursuing, but having the same effect? Just want to get your thoughts on this. Could I be on to something and if the LRT isn't showing me much, do I try initiating contact every now and then just to ask how she is? The LRT just isn't working out.
Really?
LOL - I have no "wise words" but I have a 2x4 if you're interested, LD.
No good words. I have found two pictures with W in them. One is just me and her. I know I took it down, I believe D17 put it up, so I leave it alone. I also have one of us and D29 at her wedding. I left it alone. D's have pictures of her in their rooms.
Saw W today at the meeting at school with D17. D17 is relieved. W asked me for 10 dollars to get gas to go see her mom at D29 house. I gave it to her and she thanked me and told me she'd pay me back next week, and I know I owe you insurance money but I'm broke cuz they took my car, but I had called them and my dad could only lend me some I am busted till next thrusday. And I interjected that is why I had Jen giove you your mail and I put a not on top of it telling you it was serious. She says she called the bank, she didn't ...
25year, all I had for this woman while she talked was pity. She ahs aged since I last aw her. She is still driving around on her spare. She says she needs to get her car fixed but doesn't have the deductible and doesn't know what to do and wanted to use my truck to go to D29 because what if she gets a flat....I don't wish her any bad things, but that whole situation with her car is her life...Its not being well maintained it looks worse evertime I see it, no money to fix it or maintain it...
25Year, wanna hear sad, she called today to my office to confirm the time of the meeting, I had to ask who it was, she said its me, I said D17 name, she said know its W. I did not recognize her voice. She looks like life is really getting to her, between the drinking and partying and financial stress and living in a single room, pity, its all I had was pity. Is that wrong?
no it's not wrong to feel compassion and sympathy for her. Pity? Hard to say. I read once that pity is one step from contempt but I don't know about that. As she is now, honestly, would you want to marry her if you met her today? It is important to recall that at times.
thought not. So, sounds to me like she is nearly hitting rock bottom and you responded kindly. Not to say that you were wimpy b/c it'd be different if she asked you for your life's savings; then I'd say you were a fool. But $10? Come on, it is pitiful and probably took a lot of swallowing her pride to ask. Good for you to give it to her and drop the ins issue. You know, hitting rock bottom...maybe isn't so bad a thing. Who knows? Your LRT isn't so dark right now, so I would not worry about it as much. And you can compliment her presence at D17's meeting even though any mom ought to be there, b/c it was a real hassle for her to get there. Yes, I know that's her fault, etc. But remember that comment about "applauding loudly for the 1% of what the WAS does/says that is positive" and ignoring the rest unless it's crucial. Tough to do, but here is a great opportunity to tell w that it meant a lot to have her at d17's meeting and you appreciate the support and maybe ask her questions you would normally ask the other parent. Be careful you avoid any questions that suggest your w's behavior is causing this. Believe me, she knows at some level that her behavior triggered or aggravated things with d17. She knows. Don't throw it in her face. And if I'm wrong on that and she really is clueless, you still won't do any good by telling her that now. IT can wait. Plus, the compliments that relate to her mothering probably mean more to her than you can know right now. If she knows you don't hate her, it helps you to Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth...
Hope this makes sense. Keep on keeping on, as I think you are in a better sitch than you realize. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well i was just with her. I am going to keep up LRT for a while longer. After our meeting with school and D17, got her into a program that everryone agrees to, Thank God, she asked me for $10 gas money. She is broke since they took her car and her dad could only lend her so much and the rest wiped her out and she is busted til next week and she'll pay me back and she knows she owes me money for the car insurance and if the car wasn't smashed up she would have told them to keep it. And then went on with how she was pissed they took it and she called then and made arrangemetn and even though I didn't pay them the agreed amount I gave them something. to which I said I gave you your mail with a note on the fron saying you need to deal witht hsi stuff tomorrow, Thruday before the repo. she says Oh I called everyone and they said OK and never called back and blah, blah, blah. She kept looking away biting her lip and looking down while she talked so I know she was lying.
Amy, I looked at her with pity! she looks rough, not awful, but her partying lifestyle and her choices that she is living with and dealing with (dealing LOL) are really taking its toll. Her car is definitely symbioliic of her life. It looks worsse everytime I see it, its isn't being maintained all that well, can't aford to maintain it or own it, She is limping along on her spare tire STILL!!!!. All I had was pity....I never said anything about the money she owes me, nothing, I didn't say yeah you owe me, no don't worry abou t it, let's work something out, I said nothing...I had an expectation today , THAT SHE WOULD LOOK GREAT LIKE SHE ALWAYS DOES AND BE ALL HAPPY WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD. Got, looking rough, not really understanding anything, and miserable and laughing about all her misery....
I listened to what she had to say about everything. you know how you sound if you want people to think you are in control by laughing about things that really hurt. She didn't cover it well. I gave D17 a kiss goodbye and told W by she said see you later and I said Yup...Never looked back. Wow,,is this what detaching feels like?
I was glad she was there. IShe cam in after us and I got up and offered her my seat. The guidance counselor mentioned that the divorce is really hard and neither one of us said anything. I didn't because I do not know what my W is telling D17.
I spoke mostly about things and what needed to happen and where we go, but she is in school, in this program and it should work out.
She had called and asked about the $10 when she called me at work to verify the time. She had two voice mails from the school, a phone call from the school yesterday and one from me telling her what time. She called about the money or who knows maybe she just wanted to talk. i cut her off.
I felt pity because I look at whrere we were, i lost a great paying job, we were struggling but staying on top . Now I am staying on top, getting by, and she is not. She did look rough, not saying it to be mean, did. I looked at her and she did. Whether its the alcohol or her neew lifestyle or maybe she is miserable. whatever, it is taking its toll. The laugh about oh if my car was damaged I would've told them to keep it, but now its my scrap metal, I really need to get that fixed but I don't know what to do about the deductible. i never commented, never answered never sauid a word.
Yeah, I think I am finally detaching. I think the image of me walking is my sign. It is good, I do feel good. I told Amy that I questioned the LRT, but now, i don't know, maybe it is working. Its like when she sees me she feels she needs to tell me about her woes. She never mentions OM, wich she knows would be bad. But I think my demeanor, my attitude and how I was, really was unbelieveable for me. Walking down the hallway to my D17 locker we were about 4 feet apart, she kept looking ove as i looked down the hall. I never said a word. I didn't look like a sad puppy. I had my chest out, walked upright and confident. I had my concerned look. I gave ther the 10 downstaris without her asking for it to save her the embarrassmnet in fron of D17. 10 worth of gas will get her to D29 and home and back and forth to work till Saturday. My guess is her mother is giving her money. Not my issue. I know I will never see the car ins money or that 10. Whatever....
I won't compliment her on being there because she should be there. I have to deal with all the ramifications each day. she talks to D17 and they are open and talk about everything, I know nothing, yet i am the responsible parent.
Guidance counselor and the School VP appluaded me for my constant contact about D17, the emails and phone calls and meetings and said they were glad to meet my W. She didn't get that slap I'm sure.
No I wil stay with LRT, wondering now if she will contact me more if she is feeling a little more comfortable with me. Which takes me back to my orifginal thought, if she believes i am moved on and out of reach, woudl she stay somewhere that is safe, but not making her happy just so she feels like she has someone? She doesn't he is no whre around other than the physical aspect and the partying, the real life, he is absent. I'm starting to really wonder now. We shall see, but I feel good. I didn't give her a kiss goodbye, If I met her today would I marry her, not today, she is a mess and obviously can't deal with it. I could take care of her car thing tomorrow. No joke, done, completely fixed, tire and all. Its amazing what I can do!!!
I was glad she was there. IShe cam in after us and I got up and offered her my seat. The guidance counselor mentioned that the divorce is really hard and neither one of us said anything. I didn't because I do not know what my W is telling D17
Heh,
Well let me tell you what I found in S10's backpack last night attempting to gain control of his academic problems. He had a graded assignment paper for spelling and grammer in which he had to put his spelling words into proper sentences. A few of his greatest hits:
"My Mom and Dad's divorce was postponed"
"My Dad is happy with his choice"
"My mom has a attorney"
Hmm, wonder where he got all those lovely ideas from?
Ehh well, at least there was a nice write up on how I make the best grill cheese sandwiches around.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Nice to hear from you buddy. Yeah I feel pretty damn good right now. I took on this school thing, listened to my D17, researched it and we came to an agreement. I am sure D17 talked to her mother about it and got, whatever your father decides. She looked not good, not awful or really bad, but tough. this is someone who travels with herh make up bag and always looks like she is ready to go out partying, she looked rough. Me, calm, cool collected, asking questions, making comments and generally being in the conversation. D17 needs to be in school at 2:15 each day. W never even offered to get her there. Whatever...
D29 called to ask about Saturday and what not. She said to me, mom looks rough huh? she must've gone out last night or something, she looks like crap..Nana said to D29 in front of wife after all kinds of hugs and whatnot, How's dad? D29 says good, real good. He's real busy at work, and D17 piped up with what I have been doing at work because I tell her. and then D29 says, wait till you see him, he looks good, nana, real good. To whihc D17 chimed in with he goes line dancing every monday and goes to the gym 2-3 times a week. W sat there and listened. D29 says she looked lost int he conversation. You know, she said, like we were talking about someone she doesn't know.
Anyway I look at where she is and where I am, I may not being having sex, but the rest of my life is miles ahead of her. wonder how long she'll keep up the happy charade. She seemed eager to talk to me today on the phone and after the meeting, cut her off both times. We'll see how this weekend shapes up...
