Am I eternally hopeful or in denial....?

[VeronicaV]

SilentCheeleader,

Wow, your post really resonated with me. I struggle with the same thing, really letting go, whatever that is, is currently not in my bag of tricks. I mean, I have detached quite a bit, I am fully aware that H may never come back, that I am responsible for my own happiness, but to not keep at least small hope alive...that I do not know how to do. And, like you, it seems to me that letting go is usually what gets them back.

I like your list of things to do for yourself. I am trying to make myself do more for me, too. I am going out with some ladies this Saturday and making myself go to a group Tango class, by myself (gigantic 180 for me), on Monday night.

I have been meaning to post to you. You are so kind to me and always pop in at just the right time to encourage me. Thank you.

V.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, BM and V.

Thank you for your encouragement. Tango class!??? V, that sounds great!!! I would love that! I'll have to look and see if something like that is available up here in my neck of the woods. I wanted to do deep water aerobics, which I here is really great for those of us who need to start slow, but the class didn't mesh with my work schedule.

BM, water aerobics might be a good thing for you too! Do you have a YMCA near you? They usually have good yoga classes too.

Also, have either of you checked out meetup.com? I did and went to a couple events with a "singles" group called the "Boomer Zoomers". They were a bit older than me (Baby boomers....thus the name) but they did a lot of fun things like going to concerts, and classic movies showing at the old theater in town, white water rafting, hiking (both high and low endurance). These were not people looking to "hook up" just looking to do things with other people. The couple things I went to were OK, but at the time I think I pushed myself too hard and needed to slow down and take some rest time. But, I'm thinking I might start up again.....I don't know....maybe.

Today was supposed to be the 2 hour session with C about/with S17. I wore a really nice dress to work because I like to look good when I am going to see him. It boosts my confidence and I need all of that I can get.

Anyway, S17 and I went in one car and H met us there. When we got there, we found out that C was out with the flu, and his office had left a message on my cell phone which I did not check. Well, H was annoyed at me and I felt stupid for not checking and causing us all to drive for an hour for nothing. H didn't get real mean, but I could tell he was biting his tongue.

We all chatted for a little while (mostly H and S17 talked) and I was just standing there and looking at my H and it just hit me so hard! He looked so handsome and yet felt so distant from me and I just wanted to cuddle up to him and bury my face in his chest and not let go forever! He didn't even say goodbye to me when we left to head home. He didn't say I looked nice or anything.

On the way home, I was trying not to cry, but S17 could tell something was wrong. I said "nothing" but he knew that wasn't the truth, and asked what H said to piss me off. I don't usually tell S stuff because I don't want to put him in the middle and because he really doesn't want to hear it anyway. He doesn't like to see me upset, and gets frustrated with me because he wants me to just be able to let it all go. Even though he doesn't agree with what H has done either, S does think that H is genuinely following his own happiness and I need to do the same. And he's right of course! But, as we all know it's simple but not easy! So, I finally just told S that sometimes it was hard for me to be around H and feel that distance and left it at that.

I just can't believe that my M is over and H doesn't love me anymore. It hurts beyond bearing sometimes.

[glamgirl]

BM and SC good goals.

First of all SC you don't know your M is over and H doesn't love you anymore. Many things are said that you just can't believe.

When in crisis mode many things are said and done, that doesn't mean they are absolute.

I remember walking in your shoes. So dissappointed on how my h would act or not act. That is the part you need to let go. Have no expectation.

All you can do is work on you and love your h from a distance and unconditionally. It took a long time for me to get where I am at today. It takes a long time to penetrate the wall.

It starts with just one person. Hopefully you offered your h an apology for not checking your phone and making an unneccessary trip. That is how it starts. Being kind and respectful, despite how another may respond.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, [[[[[GG]]]]].

Yes, I did sincerely apologize for not being diligent in checking my messages.

I also know that my H does sincerely care about me, and I have much to be thankful for regarding my sitch. And I do have hope that someday H will be willing to try to re-build a M with me.

But I also know and have to accept that our old M is gone. When/if we come together again, it will be as different people and therefore, any relationship we build will be different. I know that that will be a good thing if it happens. As I've said before, I know that the next relationship I have (whoever it's with) will be healthier, more equal, stronger, deeper.........but, I do still mourn the loss of the relationship H and I had.....or maybe it's not the relationship I mourn, but the loss of my own innocence. I know that at 44 years old, I should be grateful for having kept it as long as I did.

And when I look at H, I still get butterflies in my stomach, and the distance between us makes me ache. Even though sometimes I feel anger and loathing for what he did with OW and how he has ruined all our plans and everything we've worked so hard for.

He seems so far away from me now, and I can't imagine him changing at this point and that scares me. I really do try to have no expectations. But, I do have hope, and that scares me too because I wonder if that's not hope, but denial (thus the title of my thread...)

[glamgirl]

I understand how you feel, but you don't know Gods plan for your life.

I am telling you do you not think my h was distant. He had a restraining order against me. We were not allowed to communicate. I have triumped from those days to what I have now. Anything is possible, but you have to have faith.

It doesn't mean sitting around waiting for things to happen, it means you go on with your life without your h, but when you do go on you do it in a way that your h may find you attractive once again.

You might want to check out a website called divorceasfriends.com

I got much good advice from there. It really saved me in many ways. It wasn't my intent to D, but I got good ideas on how to be friends with my h and not his enemy. So far, it's paying off.

Patience SC patience. You will learn that word well.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I just can't believe that my M is over and H doesn't love me anymore.

Yes the old one is over, but you don't know what your H is thinking and besides that, Love is a CHOICE. He is just choosing not to love you right now. However, you have no idea what the future holds for you.

Now, you are right, that the WAS usually comes back when the LBS is moving on. it did with me. I really thought H would never come back, and I was sad, but I was looking forward to what the future held for me. It was my faith that got me thru, and I had faith God was going to send me the H that I needed.

[Silent Chrleader]

....do you not think my h was distant. He had a restraining order against me. We were not allowed to communicate......

Yep, I'd forgotten about the restraining order......you're right......I'm tellin' ya, you guys always manage to make me see what a COMPLETE WIMP I AM!!!!

....Patience SC patience. You will learn that word well.

This is my absolute BIGGEST CHALLENGE!! I struggle with this one constantly!!! Remember, I even got a tattoo of Chinese Konji symbol for Patience!! Can't say as it's helped much though........maybe I shouldn't have gotten the tattoo on my forehead where I have to see it every time I look in the mirror, instead of on the back of my shoulder.....


Thanks for the 2x4, GG!

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

[Silent Chrleader]

........ Love is a CHOICE....

Yes, ST, you're right, it is!

........ However, you have no idea what the future holds for you......

Yep, I'm "future fu**ing" again.....


Thank you, ST! You're right. I do need to keep faith.....

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

[glamgirl]

SC the patience is a very difficult one. I have always been the type personality that if I want something I will go out and get it or make it happen.

Well in this case, how can I really make my h come home. I can't, but what I CAN do is control how I look at the situation and how I respond! So really what I have control of is only ME!

I still don't quiet get the patience thing, but I am working on it everyday. I have learned much from MWG. She is as patient as they come.

[dl443322]

SC, I swear when you write about your h and your marriage, it's as if I wrote the words.

You are doing great. You have a lot on your plate with your son, so cut yourself some slack.

You will find the patience, I know you will. In the meantime, you have come a long way in a short time.

I hear ya about having a different relationship with whomever it is in the future. I am different and have realized so much that I would not want a relationship like that again.

But, my h was my first love and I love him deeply. I had the kind of relationship that I was meant to have then. It is not the kind I am meant to have in the future.