Donna--finding herself #35

[Reincarnated]

I was talking with another teacher last night...there are a few options that I have to make some extra cash. I can sub in the after-school program, and there is opportunities for the summer, too, at teacher pay. And if I get my sunroom/studio done, I can offer lessons from home.

I'm a little nervous in spending the money to get it done, though, with X losing a day (and 20% of his income) - he could reduce his support with that, right? I don't think he will, but it worries me.

[oldtimer]

Great ideas -- you'd probably wind up creating time for yourself and having more funds.

Consider the following scenario. Suppose you work for three hours and use the money from two of those hours to buy four hours of household help.

Your household help can probably accomplish in four hours what it would take you twelve hours to accomplish in terms of cleaning and organizing.

So, you wind up netting eight hours of time for you and the kids and one hour of pay left in your pocket. Plus, a lot less stress, a nicer house, and so on.

Dunno about your child support question. Was his child support based on a state calculator? If so you could run the numbers and see if the amount changes.

[mishka422]

Also, wouldn't he have to petition the court to have the CS amount reduced? That would cost him time and money. Is he willing to go that far for what is most likely a temporary cut anyway?

[S.T. _I Made It!]

on the cleaning comment. It's not just about someones H, it's about everyone in the household. Keeping an organized home makes everything in the home more peaceful.

Now, I'm not saying to ignore the kids and just clean all day. There are many time saving tricks when being organized so that things don't get overwhelming.

When I was a child, I remember being uptight and stressed a lot. As I reached adulthood I realized what the majority of the problem was. Our house was cluttered. My mom played with us all the time, but the house was a mess. It wasn't trashed, but it was a mess. I know 100% that was the biggest problem, and another reason for many of the frustrations and lashing out in our home. And I think having a peaceful home is as important as having a playful home.

just my thoughts.

That is great that you have an opportunity to sub! Don't be scared of spending money when it has to do with your time. Time is valuable, and as OT said, it could be used towards your kids!

Just see what works best for you. Some people are just born organizers, like my OCD friend, and then there are some that just don't have that skill. Find the things your good at and do them well, and contract out the things your not good at!

[Reincarnated]

It is hard for me to realize that there are other people who are in a similar place to where I am, but then I get this in my email. I'm still feeling guilt about the part I played in the divorce...there are times when I still want to scream out how sorry I am. I am trying very hard; I wonder if I will ever meet someone who gets this about me. What seems so matter-of-fact and easy to most is really challenging to me.
I thought Chuck understood...but now I realize that he didn't know me very well at all, if he believed that I was just lazy or was just knowingly taking advantage of him.

----- Forwarded Message ----
From: FLYLADY
Subject: FLYLADY: Morning Musing: Let your Light Shine!

Dear Friends,

Even though we have been told most of our lives that we are lazy, air
heads and day dreamers; we have always known that was not what our
problem. We may not have known what our issue was but we were trying
hard get things done. We took those words into our brains and we have
repeated them back to ourselves. Even when the people who said them
were no longer in our presence their words haunted us. We don't have
to live this way another day!

We have to ability to build our own selves up and we have the tools to
do it! We are creative and strong! We may not have had parents who
understood our character, but we survived! The other night I woke up
from a dream and had to write down what I remembered. I was
interviewing a doctor and I ask him how he cured this lady; I was told
that all it took was for her to recognize her own beauty!

Each one of us has a light that shines. Some of our lights have been
shaded by those negative words we have heard all our lives. We have to
remove that shroud of sadness that has dimmed our lights and let our
light shine! Let me start this process by reminding you that our
parents did all they knew to do! Their little lights were dimmed too.
We begin this process with forgiveness. Forgive them because they did
not know what they were doing.

It is hard to see beauty when the light is not on! How can we rekindle
that light? It is not as easy as just flipping a switch. It took years
of that negativity to paper over our little lights. At times we were
fumbling in the dark just grasping for any ray of hope! All we ever
wanted was to be happy! Why weren't we happy! We searched high and low
for something to make us happy! We didn't like that feeling of
sadness; that's when we reached for things to deaden the pain. It
could have been with food, alcohol, drugs, isolation, shopping,
volunteering too much, work or obsessive control. Whatever your drug
of choice was or is, we don't have to hide who we are another moment.

I am reminded of a song that I used to sing in Sunday school. I want
you to think of this song as a melody for your heart. This little
light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. I won't let anyone blow it out!
I'm gonna let it shine! Hide it under a bushel - NO! I'm gonna let it
shine! Let it shine over the whole wide world, I'm gonna let it shine.

Our brains are filled with negative sayings. I want you to think of
this as a lampshade that has been plastered with things that have been
cut out of the newspaper or a magazine. See it all cluttered up and in
a jumbled mess. As we recognize those words that have dimmed our
little lights, I want you to pull that piece of dark ugly aged paper
off of your lampshade and see a little light shine through. You have
the ability because you are creative! As we peel away those layers of
negativity your beauty will shine! You knew it was there all the time!

Go shine your sink! This is not a metaphor. Take this action and see
that little ray of hope for yourself! Your shiny sink is just the
beginning!

Let your light shine and see the beauty that is you!

FlyLady

[Reincarnated]

I just did this thing on facebook and it was pretty powerful, to write, and to read others'. This is what I did for myself:

25 Random Things about Me

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.

1. I am happiest when I am learning. Like that robot in Short Circuit, “More input!”
2. I am surprised at how much love my heart has and holds, even when I have been deeply hurt. I don’t seem to have an “off” button once I have cared about you. It can make life a little harder when dealing with people who can do that. My family and friends are the most important parts of my life.
3. I’ve known I wanted to teach art since Mrs. Rabinowicz’s class in 5th grade. I had always liked drawing, but she was incredible, inspiring and encouraged creativity. I hope that I can make that kind of impression on my kids – that skill increases with practice, but that appreciation comes with knowledge. Not everyone will grow up to be a Picasso, but they should be able to understand the significance of one, the importance of art to communicate the human experience.
4. I LOVE being a mom! Next, I consider myself a teacher, then an artist. My creativity is often channeled through the lessons that I work on with my students.
5. I was afraid to have a son; I was sure that I wouldn’t know what to do with him. But when Chuckie was born, I felt my heart grow. I was very sick when I went into labor (pre-eclempsia) – without modern medicine, we both would have died. But I felt this peace wash over me. I told my husband to take care of the baby, to chose him if he had to. I would die for him, and I wasn’t afraid, for the first time in my life.
6. My daughter Brynne was born with a rare birth defect: craniosynostosis, essentially a closed soft spot in her skull. I am thankful for my research skills, and to those amazingly talented doctors who were able to perform her corrective surgery. It went so well that she only needed one to “look as she would have, had she been born without the anomaly.” She is beautiful!! The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life was lay my baby on an operating table and hold her down while she cried, not knowing if I would ever hold her again (it was a 7 hour surgery). I often think of those parents and children who face so many more challenges and surgeries, and realize how lucky we really are. Most doctors don’t even know what they are looking at when this happens.
7. Sometimes I’m still taken by surprise by the woman who looks back at me from the mirror, or how I look in photos. And I REALLY can’t believe how old I am – mentally, I think I stopped somewhere in my late twenties.
8. I hate getting my face wet, or catching a chill out of the shower.
9. By 16, I had decided that I would always be alone (for lots of reasons). Then I found myself in a fairy tale that lasted more than 20 years. It was wonderful while it was, and I am grateful for that long, happy chapter in my life.
10. My dad died of a sudden heart attack when he was only 50. I had been on the phone with him earlier in the day, and he sounded out of breath and said he was out with my sister on a Shop-till-you-drop trip. He went to take a nap and never woke up. We had just started to relate to each other as adults. He taught me that you stay true, no matter what.
11. I can only do mental cartwheels. Something about tossing your ass over your head…I don’t like hurting myself. I still hope that I will learn how to do real ones, someday. Its why I never went out for cheerleading. And I didn’t learn to ride a bike until I was 9.
12. I was surprised and hurt when I was a kid when others would say I was bossy – I have worked hard my whole life to keep that in check, balance out being helpful and not pushy. I think it made me a better teacher. I want to be a good person.
13. My mother died 5 years ago from lung cancer (please quit if you smoke!). She lived with me and I helped take care of her. It was very hard, especially when it metastasized to her brain (it was like Alzheimer’s with seizures). A few months afterwards, my aunt came to visit and I asked her to take a few things that she might like to remember Mom by. Aunt Joan picked a basket with some artificial plants in it. She loved the basket, but the plants were faded, so she decided to empty them out into the garbage when she got home, before she even brought them inside. Mom had hot-glued the foam into the basket, so Joan got a knife to dig it out; she was rushing since it was getting dark. As she almost finished, she heard a clink of metal-on-metal. She had found my mother’s wedding ring. Mom had lost it a few years before, thinking it must have slipped down the shower drain after we searched for weeks, and was very upset by it. Now, here it was. Aunt Joan gave it to me, and I wear it still. It is no small miracle that the basket didn’t end up in Good Will the next day, or the plants just simply tossed into the garbage in the dimming light. Thanks, Mom.
14. I love books and magazines, and have more reading material than can be gone through in only one lifetime.
15. My favorite art medium is chalk pastels, but I usually end up working with digital photography – time limits!
16. I am saving up to visit Italy – ever since high school, I have wanted to walk those ancient streets, and be in the presence of Michaelangelo’s masterpieces. I think I will end up spending hours looking up in the Sistene, just trying to absorb the beauty. It will be my first journey around the world (Ireland next).
17. Speaking of time, it is funny how long I can be absorbed by a painting or a scene in nature, playing with the kids, or reading. The clock seems to stop ticking. Daily-life stuff, like cleaning, shopping, sometimes even eating, can be rude interruptions. There should be 48 hours to a day - there is so much I want to DO!!
18. I have lists of my lists.
19. I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be. And amazed at how much there is still left to learn, about life, and about myself.
20. I don’t get mean people. I am always taken by surprise when bad things happen; I’m working on that. I have to be careful to protect my heart, sometimes.
21. I love the smell of spring – fresh cut grass, lilacs and hyacinths, the rain. Everything is new again. I love being outside to soak it all in: camping, hiking, canoeing.
22. I want to go to a New Year’s Eve party in NYC someday, dressed in a gown with hair and makeup done. Just once, I’d like to walk into a room and make heads turn .
23. I am setting goals for myself – this month, I finally start taking dance lessons! I might have looked like a wall-flower, but there is a Dancing Queen longing to break out!
24. I realize that you can love someone, even when they are no longer with you. Everyone has to walk their own path.
25. I am learning to let go, to not try to control things that are out of my hands. That there is Something bigger than we are at work, and as flawed human beings, we will never have all of the answers. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try to find out as many as I can!

[Gypsy]

Cool-a-roni..

Love the list, Donna.. makes me all dreamy...

Thanks for sharing..

*hugs*

[No Longer BH]

Hey Donna....I havent been around for awhile. Are your Ex InLaws still living with you or have they moved on as well. YOu have grown and found yourself. I loved the list you created. Still not able to create a facebook account....it is a trigger. One day soon though, I will get past all of those pesky little things. Wishing you and your kids well.

[Reincarnated]

Grown, still growing and finding different parts of me. I think I neglected to do that for a long time, and simply went with the day-in-and-day-out of things. "A life unexamined is not a life worth living."--can't remember who wrote that, but I'm happy to be doing it, now!

Hope to "see" you over there, though...I am so grateful for the friends I have made over the last 2 years (!)

My in-laws still live in the apt in my house; MIL and I go to church together, and some other events. We're friends. We try not to dwell on the past, and that helps. I've told her that I hope she can find some way of having a R with her son again, but she is struggling with that - she's not ready to forgive. That is all between them, anyway - I don't get involved. I am very, very lucky. Setting boundaries, the both of us, has been crucial.

As for the rest of me and my thoughts...

Most of the times, I am doing very, very well. Happy, content on my own, loving my kids, busy with work and school. Still getting the house-thing down, but that is all about me, and something I've struggled all my life with. Babysteps with that.

I know some of the times when I let the peace slip away, though - I can see it coming. Staying up too late and getting overtired. Having any kind of "live" contact with my X (email is still working the best for now). Seeing my kids struggle with something that is beyond my control. Last night I was up too late and got weepy, followed by strange, disturbing dreams. I'll do better tonight.

But in the brightness of day, I am starting to feel very two-minded about my X. Part of me still loves him (who he was)....the other part is starting to take off more and more of the rosey glow I surrounded him with.

Before all of the sh!t hit the fan, I remember to some of my concerns, fleeting as they were:

As early as our first year dating (as teens!), I wrote in a journey, wondering if I could be with someone who had such a hard time communicating, especially about his feelings! Even his writing was often heavy-handed. I think I had hoped for a poet.

He is genuinely intelligent, but not in the same way as me. For example, he doesn't read. He knows how, but I don't think he ever read a novel all the way through. As an adult, he sticks to the Daily News.

He is quick to anger - many episodes of scary road-rage, and there were times I was there with the kids when he would over-react. I don't know why I was so shocked when that anger was turned on me.

Lots of other things, too...limitations, evidence of being human. Thing is, I don't know if he's grown very much since high school, where I know that I have. My mind is starting to see the evidence that this may not be as all-for-the-worst as I had thought. And that is scary to admit, and my head is still arguing with my heart about that one.

But in the end, it comes down to this--
If he can't love me the way that I deserve to be loved, then he was right to end it and leave.
He could have done it MUCH differently, but that shows his character flaws and weaknesses.


I was checking my son's facebook acct today (he is 13 and allowed to have one as long as I have the password and can check it occasionally). He had been interested in a girl from Church. They horsed around together, she was cute and he liked her. She stole his hat. He "asked her out," and she said yes. But came back 2 days later and said that her parents wouldn't let her date, so they could only be friends.
He found out this week that she has a boyfriend, now:

(son):
hey, i heard that u have a boy friend, i don't care, its your life, but wouldn't it have been easier just to tell me, lying was a kind of harsh way to go. Any way, no hard feelings.
(from her):
i didnt lie
(son):
Ok, but my friend said u told him earlier on face book some time
(from her):
okay me and him hav been goin out fr 4 days.
(son):
ok, but you couldve told me you werent into me any more
(from her):
sorry
(son):
its ok, its just i dont like being lied to, but really, no hard feelings

its like the last 2 years of my life, reduced to 13-yr-old text messaging! If only I had handled it as cool-ly as he did...
right now, he's my hero.

[LL44]

That's great your son handled it so well. The next girl will treat him right.

Scary that our X'es have a lot in common. My xH doesn't read for pleasure, ever. He is more 'street' smart (like can figure out how to repair or build something without instructions) than book smart. He is also a horrible 'road rage' driver, I have had some scary moments with him as well. And he has always had a horrible time communicating!