The D is dismissed. Now what?

[peacetoday]

Hi Upside
Glad you had a wonderful christmas
and wishing you and your family a blessed New Year

I read your last post and you probably are or were just going thru a dry patch
sometimes my feeling seem gone fopr H only to resurface again and again
I dont think they will ever totally be gone
its up to you
I have read those who get thru this eventually have a better M, so I would not judge H current brokeness
I sense you will have to ride it out b/c you have too many positives
just continue to focus on yourself and give yourself that love you crave for now
take this time to tatally heal you
and when the time is righ you will either have your M restored aor be done and ready to move on
I just dont semse it is the time for you
meditate and listen
or journel
the answers are there
and
thank you for your constant support
peace

[Upside]

Wow, I haven't posted on my thread in a couple of weeks. There hasn't been that much going on in my sitch...My H and I still have been spending some time together when time permits...I just have gotten tired of trying to analyze everything and figure out where we are at in all of this.

While on his trip at Christmas with his D, my H did send me quite a few text messages which was fine but when we got home, I lost it. I think I was frustrated because my H made no plans to spend New Years with me. I called him the morning after he got back and let him have it. I told him I didn't want to keep doing this. I told him that I want someone who wants to be with me and I cried. He came over that night and we talked some more. He later told me when he left that night he was done but he came back the next night (New Year's Eve). He was angry when he first got here that night but then loosened up. His initial anger had already made me angry though. He stayed the night with me and we both seemed to be over it by the time he left in the morning. We haven't had any real R talk since partly because my H has been busy with a trial and I'm just not wanting to put a whole lot of thought and effort into this anymore plus my new year's resolution is to no longer put my life on hold.

So, I'm working on a changing me but this weekend, I sensed a change in my H too. We went out Saturday night and had a great time together. He stayed over and in the morning he went to his apartment but he came back last night and stayed the night again. When my H came over last night, my H used the garage door opener I gave him months ago and pulled his car into the garage and shut the door. It felt so much like he lived here. I had no idea before he got here that he intended to stay over again. I really asked very few questions, I had no expectations and it seemed like my H was a little more relaxed.

Right now, I am really seeing how my H doesn't want any pressure about the relationship. He seems to do better when I don't ask questions and just leave him be. I'm wondering if MC might not be all that beneficial right now...maybe it makes me over-think things and puts more pressure on my H.

Any thoughts?

[peacetoday]

Upside
sounds good--seems like your H is moving froward steadily
this si just my opinion
I would not stop MC
maybe just go and listen to H if you dont want to pressure him
but I would continue
and maybe talk to C about it in an individual session
I like what your doing not overanalyzing any thing
i think it helps us and our situations to be less focused on H
peace

[new_attitude]

Hi Up!
I agree with peace to continue the MC. It can be your forum for R talks- I think your H reacts better to those types of topics in the MC environment than when you're alone together. If you bring something up on your own outside of MC, he feels pressured, but he expects it in MC, so less pressure.

[still hoping]

Hey Upside,

Just dropping by to say hello. Hope you are well and that progress with your H continues. You and your H really have come a long way since last year.

Will keep checking back for good news. IMO, keep the R talk to when you're in MC and just enjoy the time you two spend together without bringing it up.

[glamgirl]

Checking on you Upside? How are things going? I would continue the MC, but I wouldn't have any R talks outside of MC. I don't have those talks with my h unless we are in MC, since many times they just don't go well.

My h gets on the defensive and uses what I say against me. One day I think we will be able to have those tough discussions, but not right now. Everything is still too sensitive, if that makes sense.

Your h must feel no pressure when he is with you or he won't be able to see himself returning.

[Upside]

Thanks peace, na, sh and glam for always supporting me. I haven't been around much because I have been so busy...being busy is such a good thing when you are in a situation like this. Anyhow here is the update...

My H and I been having almost daily contact. We have been getting along extremely well but still nothing really changes. Sunday my H came over and he made a very nice dinner for me and the kids. While he was here, he brought up that he wants to plan a trip next Christmas to the same place he and his D have gone to for the last two Christmas'. He made it sound like a family trip but did not come out and say he wanted me or the kids to come. I was annoyed so I had to ask "If you can plan next Christmas, do you ever see yourself living here at this house?". Of course, he felt pushed so he came back with he likes being on his own, blah, blah, blah! Then I got upset told him then we should D. He then back-tracked and said he was having difficulty with the thought of living together but he is working on it. When he left that night he said he wanted to get together on Tuesday so we could discuss things before our C appointment on Wednesday. So, we met yesterday and it is all about issues he is still having...how he likes his autonomy and he has doubts that we can come up with a financial arrangement that we are both comfortable with. Nothing got resolved and we were going to continue the discussion at C today but my H got the time mixed up AGAIN and ended up showing for just the last few minutes of the session. During the few minutes he had with the C, he made it seem like he is willing to try to work out some financial arrangement with me. I tell you, it all makes me feel like I am taking crazy pills! My H told me he would call me tomorrow to discuss things more.

So, I still don't know where any of this is heading. I do know that I really care less and less about it all. I know I will be okay no matter what happens. This is a good place to be and I just know that life is too short to put everything on hold. I believe we need to learn to be happy with ourselves and hopefully then everything else will fall into place.

(((HUGS))) to you all.

[Upside]

I need to vent here otherwise I may do something I regret...

My story never really changes. My H shows some effort and then backs off. I sound like a broken record because I just don't know if I can keep doing this. My H and I have been getting along fine although I have (and a part of me knows I shouldn't) pushed a few R talks. Last time we talked face to face (a week ago), my H made it clear that he can't handle many R talks although he acknowledged that we need to have them. I agreed to limit them to C or let him try to initiate them. Two days after the conversation, my H left town for a conference and he got back last night (he did tack on an extra day on to have some fun). He did contact me almost daily by email or text but there have been no phone calls. Now that he is back, he starts a trial tomorrow so I know he is scrambling and his mind is elsewhere. So why do I feel like if he is really trying to work on our M, he would pick up the phone and just to say something like "Hi. I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing"? Is that really too much to ask???

So, also last Monday, my H and I had to discuss rescheduling our C appointment AGAIN because at the last minute, he had to cancel due to work. I asked my H if he wanted to really wanted to reschedule. He said that he knows it is important to me and then he added that it is important to him. That was sweet but I get such conflicting messages from him...it drives me CRAZY!!!

I want sometimes want to scream because I need more than this. I started crying today because just I heard a romantic song and it reminded me of what is missing in my life.

So, today my H sent me yet another email with nothing very personal and certainly nothing about us seeing each other or even talking anytime in the near future. I wasn't very happy about it. I came so close to calling my H to tell him how I am feeling. I even picked up the phone and started dialing the number but I stopped myself. I figured what was the point because I already knew it would just end badly and that is the worst thing I could do when my H is getting ready for a trial.

There is a growing part of me that just wants to move on and close this chapter of my life. This month it will be two years since my H walked out the door. My H acknowledges that when he left he thought his anger was because of the M but now understands the anger is within him. He still pulls out the marital problems when it is convenient but for the most part he gets that this isn't about the M. So, if he understands that it wasn't the M that made him unhappy, then I can't understand why he can't move back and we can work on his issues together.

I so miss the nice man my H used to be. I have found my heart melting when a man is nice and pays attention to me...sometimes if I just see a man being nice to his W. I can't help but wonder if my H will ever be like he used to be. He keeps telling me how he had been living everyone else's life. Well maybe he was putting on an act all those years and he wasn't really the nice guy I thought he was after all.

My feelings toward my H seem to cycle about as much as my H cycles. I think it would be so easy for me to fall back in love with him if he showed interest in me...on the other hand, when I don't spend time with him, I don't really miss him like I used to. If I ended this, part of me would be sad and the other part of me would be relieved.

I guess I will wait to see if my H shows up for C on Wednesday. After he had to have me reschedule at least 3 or 4 of our last appointments in December...then for our session two weeks ago, he showed up for the last 5 minutes (he says he got the time wrong)...then he had to cancel last Monday's session...I am not putting a whole lot of faith into him showing especially since he will be in trial this week. So basically, we have had 5 minutes of C in the last month and a half...grrr!!! He always seems to have an excuse and he probably will on Wednesday.

Sorry for my rant. I don't know if any of this makes sense but it feels better to get it out. I don't mean to seem ungrateful and I do know there are a lot of positives in my sitch but I am sure that there are some of you out there that can understand my frustration. Thanks for "listening".

[glamgirl]

I here you Upside. I have NO advice. I am right there with you, only this year will be 3 years for me. Like you have got to be kidding me!

My feelings don't cycle for my h. I think that is because he calls almost daily and we do see him 5 or 6 days per week. My h is in FL this week. Now last time he was there he called me everyday and a few times a day. We will see.

I hope we both can figure this out. Take care!

[CMNM]

Holy [censored], Upside! I can see why you posted to my thread!
I could have written every word that you just did.

I too feel like I am going crazy at times. XH and I will have these great times together and I want to build on them while he is content to escape back into himself. It almost makes me wonder if he is lying about his enjoyment of his time with me. I mean, if a "date" is as great as he says it is, then why doesn't he schedule another one? It makes me insane.

I understand that it is hard for you to post these "vents" when other posters would kill for time with their H's.....but, don't compare the two. Your sitch is your sitch and this is about how YOU feel in the relationship. If you are unhappy or unsatisfied, so be it. Don't feel guilty over your feelings. It is maddening to have an H who simply will not go away or commit.

You know as well as I do that you need to drop the R talks. I know, you want answers. Me too. But, until you are sure that you can't take this anymore, you will have to suck this one up. Otherwise, you will get your answer, and I guarantee it is one you will not like!

I know you know all of this. Me too. It justs gets to be too much sometimes, doesn't it? I understand, sweetie, and I am sorry you are going thru this.

Hugs,
Pam