(( AMEN )) lol Hopefully. I am hopeful though. I will say this, at 3:30 am last night I sent another e-mail. Just commented on this statement of how I cut him like I'd never understand by telling him we would be over if this continued. Ummmmmmmmmmmmm WHAT about the OVER 5 years of celibacy.
I wasn't mean about it, as I don't want him to climb back into his hole. However, I did state that I can understand how I hurt him, but can he not understand how it would make a woman feel when her husband didn't touch his wife barely for over 5 years, and then would NOT tell her why.... ??? I mean, Helloooooooooooooooo ! lol I Arghh, so I was nice about it, but I had to say it.
SO it seems I have started the ball rolling. Well see if it continues.
Your h said that "you say once again no sex, well lately everything...revolves around how I do things, so if I screw up, it's over you do not think this is a big deal???" He also apologized for not writing as much as you did and asked for your forgiveness for not answering all your questions. So, you wrote to him again, and re-asked the same questions.
To me, he seems to feel pressured to the point of paralysis. AND, I see your re-sending the same questions to him within what, a day or two(?), as projecting dissastisfaction from you, again. Which is more pressure. I know your goal is to get him to change...but when you see those words in writing, what's your reaction ?
And, is this a 180 for you, really? Seems more like a tactic than a new approach. Maybe semantics and God knows I'd feel crappy if h had not touched me in 5 years. I get that. Just not sure about this approach getting you to your goal. That's my two cents! j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I understand your point and what you are saying. But what I am saying is that this is it for me. This is the last attempt at getting the man I married back. I'm not trying to get him to change per-say as to figure why he stopped being who he was years ago. If this is it, then tell me. If its not, then let's work together on figuring out where it changed and why. ( for him )
I do think this is a new approach as I always looked for verbal communication before which he was NOT comfortable with obviously. He suggested writing a long time ago, and I agreed.
P.S The reason I re-asked the questions is because he asked me too. I didn't paste the whole email.
Let me just throw something out that might apply. Um, I have been to several t's and mc's before coming to the DB world. I pondered things like the similarities between my h and my father, both well educated workaholics, etc. I stared at my choices, and my childhood issues and h's, or my thoughts on what his childhood issues were, and my dad was an alcoholic and so is fil, and there were many things from childhood that became baggage in my adult life for ME to work on. It was enlightening. That therapy had value for me at that time. I learned a lot and made some changes. Thank God.
But, when it came to my h's MLC and our marital crisis, staring at the unchangeable past and trying to understand what really is incomprehensible to me, even now, was time consuming and pretty much useless. I wasted so much time on unanswerable questions, it is my biggest regret.
The essence of DBing, to me, with its's solution based focus gets us back to basics. What helps you feel closer to your h? What works? Going forward, not backwards and forgetting the ??? about why something happened, etc. is the idea. My DB coach once told me that my questions to h starting with the word "WHY" would imply critisizm and I think she's right. "Why are you doing this? How could you?" ETC. DO mean that the answer will be a defensive one. I did not see your email so I don't know if your focus is on the underlying causes, or what helps. If you're like I was, it's about the underlying issues and honestly I doubt to this day, that h and I will ever agree on our past. We have different score cards, so to speak.
What matters is what we plan to do now, and going forward. What's our future going to be together? Let's forget what our past might have been. So, could you try letting go of the reasons for your h's behavior, (as I assume he doesn't even know the reasons)...AND instead see if you guys can agree on what to do now? If you can agree on that, you're somewhere. If you cannot agree on what to do going forward, then do the reasons why he was uninterested or too tired, or whatever, really matter?
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Diane, when your H said everything revolves around how he does things...does he mean other things besides not initiating sex? I know (and Bagheera pointed it out also)that my frustration at H's refusing sex & talking, etc. caused me to pick at him about everyday stuff. And he'll take anything I say as picking on him if it suits him & use it an excuse as in "I never do anything right, so why bother?" So I've been thanking & praising him for anything & every little thing that's good (& trying to ignore the other stuff) & its changed the way he hears me. I realize that he needs to be "stroked" more than I do. It never occurred to me to be thanked for doing regular chores whether they're ones he usually does or mine. But being thanked/praised is really important to him. Doing that reinforces my telling him he's a good guy, there's only the one area we need to work on. Overall he doesn't have a real good self-image & he needs the praise & hugs, etc. I can imagine what your H's self image is like if his mom still tells him he was a punk when he was 10. Tell him you miss the guy he used to be... or something nice he did at Christmas. Maybe it'll make it easier for him to express his thoughts. J
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
Jayce my db coach told me to "applaud loudly for the 1% of what h does and says that is positive" and that is not always easy. Sometimes, it's "Mother Teresa" hard to do, especially for things you and I assume our spouses will do that are obvious. My h wants thanks for being here at times, I swear. Also, the book "Five Love Languages" helps in this arena b/c it's what our spouses need that matters there most. Glad it's working for you. Keep it up if it works. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Got an e-mail last night. It stated he doesn't want to talk about the e-mails right now and he misses me very much. So, I sit and wait and I will not lie, I am not hopeful. IF I had to hazard a guess I would guess it is the start of him burying his head in the sand. I am however respecting his wishes and we'll see where it takes us.
25 We did agree on what to do next. More then a few times and it never happened. :S Thinking this is more of the same on its way.
sorry to hear this. Can you just move on for now, not waiting for him to think or act clearly, but to just be okay with yourself for now? Why stress out about what it all means, or do you feel you must DO something? Are you really at that point? It's okay if the answer is yes, but I am asking.
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have no problem with moving on and not waiting per say. However when I do that, there is no turning back for me. I have done this for way too many years to let another one or 6 go by with no word. Unfortunately he is on a time clock of sorts, but doesn't know it. Well, actually, if he doesn't know it then I guess I got less across then I thought. I did make it clear that this was my final attempt to make things the way they were. I have np problem waiting or it taking a lot of time and work, however I have to see something.
I guess I am at that point. I will wait for awhile in the regard that I will just move on, life my life and hope that there is some kind of communication. IF we hit the same old routine eventually and he just buries it, then unfortunately I will be gone the next time. I won't continue to be taken for granted forever. :S
