The unfaithful wife...that's me..

[25yearsmlc]

Mel,
sorry it took me awhile to find this thread again...anyhow, okay you've said so much for me to catch up with...
"Til death do us part" yeah I get that, that's fine. Except we also have the right to set and enforce healthy boundaries. Enough with your A...drop it. Seriously I don't condone them (Who the hell does?) but all A's are NOT alike and besides, it's over and you are not defending it, you are not rationalizing it and you are no longer doing it. Why is it even an issue TODAY?? Oh, wait, I forgot. YOUR H throws it in your face every time you try to enforce a boundary with him...
and it's interesting that he found out about the A and around the same time, OW or the renter or whatever...moved in and is still there...hmmm, talk about pay back. Well, seems like you are more than even now, okay?

SO, you can't change the past. You don't have the same scorecards so you won't see your marital history the same way anyhow...what matters is now and how you carry on forward. Regardless of the m, you have d4, right? So you "must" deal with each other. But I think going dark makes sense. Obviously you can't ignore stuff about D4 but everything else is more or less off the table if it's too painful for you.

So, you can say a couple things, and here are some suggestions, go with what feels true for you, "h, for now you don't want to be m, so we're co-parents and you'll always be d4's father...but I am setting some healthy boundaries for us and I really need to enforce them for my own well being. I am responsible for my reactions and some behaviors bring out unhealthy reactions in me, like seeing you drink, or seeing you with ow, and then pretending she isn't an ow".


"I'm not alone in causing damage to the m, and anger isn't helpful to our sitch or our daughter..."
Oh of course you fear he'll throw his nuclear bomb in your face and, if he throws it out in your face, saying - "YOU are the one who had the A" you can say "Yeah I was, and as you know I regret it, but that's in the past, and I'm done talking about it[/b" His "data" is from the past, not about today, so it is not relevant. And
What's the point if he's so determined to not be married anyhow?

Also Mel, he IS the one being Mr.Spiteful and doing the whole passive/aggressive thing, flaunting ow and being matter of factly cool to you in public, and then asking you if you are okay. He isn't enforcing a "healthy boundary" is he? I mean am I missing something here? Maybe next time he says "are you okay?" You can text back "why wouldn't I be?" or "what do you mean?"

OR YOU COULD SAY THIS INSTEAD.....
(((( "Oh, am I 'okay'?? you mean b/c you were w/ ow again, in my face, and our daughter's, being with her rather than 'us', and barely speaking to me...[b]and then playing this sadistic game...is that what you mean by 'ok'??? You mean am I OKAY with THAT?!!....just wondering"....)))) btw, that last part is maybe NOT what you should say, but you can think it...

there's more to this story but your approach is, at least, better for you. Sometimes that's all you can say about an approach. Meaning, when someone says "is that working?" You may have to answer, "it is for ME" and that is all you have control over now.

Marianne Williamson is an author with some good exercises/books on getting rid of anger and handling fear, etc. She's new agey for some but I found her helpful.
The anger and pain will ruin our lives if we let it. It has to be managed, or purged or whatever - HANDLED - and we are the only ones who can do that. I recall reading about saying out loud (I chose the shower so no one heard me, for obvious reasons...) "God, I turn my pain/anger over to you" or "Turn this M over to you" b/c frankly it was too much for me and my heart at the time. I can understand your desire for the pain to end. Forgiving and detaching isn't easy b/c think about your childhood.

How much forgiveness did you actually witness or learn from your family growing up? I sure didn't have much. The lack of conflict resolution in my own family growing up, between my parents at least, was a serious obstacle for h and I and it came out years ago in a workshop we attended. We did not know how to forgive or resolve a conflict!! My parents had "choreographed" fights over the same things for DECADES...and dad would "win" b/c he'd yell more and louder... they'd attack and retreat...and nothing improved. The R's with both parents suffered for the kids b/c we saw them in their worst light. Which reminds me, your d is watching you respond to your pain. She'll eventually know the issues and will learn that you can be deeply hurt, and yet survive. Your pain is not eternal, it is not fatal, and you already know this. Just know that your d is watching you and will surely ask questions a few years from now. When SHE brings up issues you can saw "we both made mistakes" and "If I could do it over, I'd do it differently" etc. Don't ever assume all the responsibility for the div, if that is what comes. Your daughter, someday, will "get it" and you don't have to say a negative thing to her about daddy. You shouldn't anyhow. She needs to know her daddy loves her and will be around for her, even if he lives a few miles away. Reassure her that you will always live with her (if that's true) and the floor isn't being yanked out from under her, you'll be fine and she'll be fine, etc. Have you read the book "What About the Kids?" it's helpful but it does argue against divorce so skip that part IF YOU WANT, and go to handling the kids in this sitch. Your h will feel pressured if you ask him to read the first chunk of the book, but whatev...


With my h, I hated it when h would act clueless after doing/saying things that would bug anyone. It is passive aggressive or at least conflict avoidant to the extreme.

I could not have survived this ordeal, without getting rid of my anger/pain b/c the anger was "winning" or beating me, consuming me and my energy and my time. I was distracted at times with d's b/c I was upset and pre-occupied. So they were losing TWO parents. That just sucks. It makes the h's crappy behavior, which is hard enough for us to deal with, worse but by our own hand, if you know what I mean.

You are right to set boundaries, but keep them clear for yourself (and him) and figure out ways ahead of time, for you to enforce them. Be prepared for that. And don't over talk or over think with him. He's so confused and wacky right now. You don't need to focus on him; you have your career/classes and a child to nurture.

WAY down the road, you'll date again. Why worry now, about how you'll converse with each other then? I mean all you have is now. Make it as good for you and your daughter as you can. Ask yourself this: as your h is now, today, would you like to spend the rest of your life with this man?

So, try to lose the anger in front of h. When he talks to you, listen like a "friend" (DB coach used the word "lover" but that sounds like too much for you now, since you are also wanting to go semi-dark, fyi) but you are a "friend" who is busy GAL, upbeat, positive and sure of herself and where SHE is going in life, connecting meaningfully with others, touching their lives, enriching and being enriched by others, and moving forward b/c she has interesting things to do, exciting places to go and fun, fascinating people to meet!! ...


End the conversations as quickly as you can without being rude. Stay focussed on the child and not the R. Do not initiate R talk and if he does, unless it's factual like "I'm filing for D," or "Want to restore the M", don't let the vague exploratory questions hit you. Just wait until if and when he gets specific. He will have to someday, for better or worse. Until then, you'll essentially "be a woman only a fool would leave."

good luck, and believe me when I say that your anger can be very deep, permeating and painful as hell...and you can still heal from it and eventually let it go. You'll have to do it anyhow if you want to be happy again. May as well start now...
j-