When do the tears go away ?

[frank_D]

I need to be the man that both she and I need for me to be. She can't reconcile her M with me acting like a GF of hers.

Think about this: Other women are attracted to you. The 'real' you. You show XW the 'sanitized' you. Show her the real you. The man with boundaries and goals.

[whitneypinch]

Hello everyone,
So here is my latest update.
W seems to have decided to change things up a bit. Generally we text each other 99.9 % of the time. She has now started to pick up the phone and talk to me when there seems to be an issue for us to discuss. Of course it’s always about the kids.
Yesterday I asked her to help fill out some forms about the kids. She was kind of blowing it off so I got a bit huffy. She wrote me an email about all the years of her filling out forms for our kids etc. I knew immediately that I had hit a nerve. I picked up the phone and apologized to her which she was surprised and appreciated hearing. Then I wrote out a list of things I have appreciated over the years that she has done. She replied saying thanks, that it meant a lot to her to hear that.
This further made me realize that there have been so many assumptions made due to lack of proper communications and that she is carrying around a lot of hurt. I have also realized that she still blames me for all of this and has not accepted any responsibility at all.
I just don’t know how to proceed with her at this point. I almost feel like we need to get together and clear some air about lack of communications. I know that goes against DB to have relationship talk but I don’t know.
Thoughts anyone. I would LOVE to hear from a WAW.

[still hopeful]

I know the feeling of ME reacting to her changes in behavior and that's when I know I am focusing on her instead of focusing on me.

I have been making slow but steady progress in (1) detaching emotinally and disengaging behaviorally and (2) continuing to file ALL intereractions in the corrects folder in which these interactions belong. The first folder is labeled pleasant interactions. The second is unpleasant interactions. My 'filing' is only finished when the interaction has been pared down the the ACTUAL objective interaction, meaning it includes NO subjective feelings, emotions, sub-text, nor mind reading.

This helps me to keep an objective, real, running log of my life with my XW. Of course I am always aware of the subjective feelings or emotions wrapped around our interactions, but I need to keep track of the true nature of the happenings in an objective way so that I am able to weigh where XW and I are relationship-wise. When I allow subjective feelings to negatively color objective actions between us, I ruin my reality unnecessarily. I'd rather not do that. I work to stay in control of me and my reality.

Anyway, I would fight the urge to 'clear the air' with your XW. SHOW her you are different. She will notice. Everyone will. Most importantly you will, but you need to notice your improvements/changes in a congratulatory or inspirational way, not in a denigrating assessment of how you used to be. Celebrate your progress. Focus on you. Focus on the future.

All of you work on you is your gift to you. Regardless of what happens with you and your XW, you get to keep your gifts to yourself. You will share the new and improved you with someone. It'll be her loss if she can't see the present and remains stuck in the past; don't make it your loss.

Tom

[whitneypinch]

Tom,
So well said, yet again.
I had decided to do just that. Be who I know I am.

Even today that was tested. The school called today to say they are having trouble with our 6 year old D. They phoned me first and then my W. They said that they have trouble with our daughter on the days she is going to go home with the mom. Interesting....welcome to the effects of divorce.

W phoned (as I knew she would) and I just listened. I asked W what she would like me to do. Of course W said our daughter is great with her (I know she is not) and that it must be issues that other kids are bringing on. Ya....denial. Maybe our D is looking for attention because she is struggling as we are divorced.
Anyway, I found that interaction to be fine but it actually left me losing a bit of feelings for my W. I think it was because of her denial that our divorce is causing hurt with our children made me lose a bit of respect for her as a mom.

As a loving parents should we all not fight to the death to make sure we provide a great loving home with 2 parents. I guess not according to our WAWs.

[still hopeful]

Hey brother,

More parallels between us. My XW started out our separation and impending D by telling me that D really doesn't affect children. She knew because her 'friends' told her children are young and elastic; they snap right back. I told the then, as I still do now, she was wrong and way off base when she is. I am not going to join the line of a$$ kissers and apologists that she has assembled to pump up her self-esteem and false sense of truth. I may not have any other useful function in her life, but if she talks to me she will hear the truth, as least as I see it.

Last night, D8 came to me. D8 is selling Girl Scout Cookies and XW gave me verbal instructions last week, but the actual written instructions contradicted XW's verbal instructions and were complete. Not knowing if overriding instructions were given verbally to XW, I called to verify. XW instantly was aggressively defensive. I was calm, deflecting, and assertive. We ironed out the instructions. D8 had a good Girl Scout Cookie selling evening.

Tonight, XW left me a VM about the cookie sales. I can always tell when I am getting closer to being removed from 'the list' when XW begins answering my calls again and begins calling me instead of texting me. No real plus in this, except it is an accurate barometer of her emotions about me. She asks me about my family. I called back and asked her, "You left a message about D8's family?" She paused and continued with, "Yes." I again reminded her that her family and mine are D8's and S3's family without segmenting whose family of origin they are. She didn't say much, but she understood my point that she and I may be divorced, but D8 and S3 are not divorced from their family of origin on BOTH sides.

XW asked me if I was going to call my family and I said I wanted to let D8 decide if SHE wanted to call her family herself for cookie sales. XW quickly answered for D8 that D8 would want me to call them. I asserted that I wanted to give D8 the opportunity to answer that question herself. XW said she would ask D8 and if she didn't call back then D8 wanted me to make the calls. I told XW that I didn't want to use a NON-call as my answer. XW snapped that we didn't both need to ask D8; she said she would ask D8 and she will. I answered, I believe you, I just need some information about the cookie types from D8. This defused XW's defensiveness and edge because of my calm and assertive manner.

Today is another day of my moving forward in detaching emotionally and disengaging behaviorally from my XW. I congratulate me for not outwardly expressing my emotions to my XW. I know that soon, with my undying concerted effort, my emotions will catch up with my outward appearance of strength, calm and quiet assertiveness.

[whitneypinch]

Tom,
We seem to be just about the same place as far as detaching.
It's hard !!
My W have never got along so well as we are now. She is finally pushing back when something bothers her. Still it's only focussed on the kids.
I hate saying this but ... I still can't believe this is happening. I can't believe my W is not doing anything to save a marriage and a family. Especially given how well we are getting along.
I can’t write much to day as I am feeling really upset about this.
Here comes the emotional roller coaster again......
At least I get my kids tonight and that makes me so happy. Lately I have been feeling sad for them having to live a life where they get bounced around from home to home. My kids claim they like it as they have two homes. I am from divorce and I can tell you it's not so good. My kids will long for their parents to be together until they are into their 20's.