Am I eternally hopeful or in denial....?

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, [[[[[GG]]]]].

Yes, I did sincerely apologize for not being diligent in checking my messages.

I also know that my H does sincerely care about me, and I have much to be thankful for regarding my sitch. And I do have hope that someday H will be willing to try to re-build a M with me.

But I also know and have to accept that our old M is gone. When/if we come together again, it will be as different people and therefore, any relationship we build will be different. I know that that will be a good thing if it happens. As I've said before, I know that the next relationship I have (whoever it's with) will be healthier, more equal, stronger, deeper.........but, I do still mourn the loss of the relationship H and I had.....or maybe it's not the relationship I mourn, but the loss of my own innocence. I know that at 44 years old, I should be grateful for having kept it as long as I did.

And when I look at H, I still get butterflies in my stomach, and the distance between us makes me ache. Even though sometimes I feel anger and loathing for what he did with OW and how he has ruined all our plans and everything we've worked so hard for.

He seems so far away from me now, and I can't imagine him changing at this point and that scares me. I really do try to have no expectations. But, I do have hope, and that scares me too because I wonder if that's not hope, but denial (thus the title of my thread...)