It was working with a C which I wish I had done on my own years ago that we talked about anger. Anger is not about shouting and yeling and hitting, there are all sorts of forms.
This type of anger where you dont value yourself is ME. You would never ever know that I was like that. Confident, sure of myself, great sense of humor but deep down without realising it or recognising it I was scared and unsure. It was the most amazing thing when i really thought about it and when I started thinking differently.
I must admit this all happened when I was forced to face up to who i was and what i had done. BUT I also know that the past is the past and cannot be changed but it can be learnt from. The future is what matters now.
I was once asked by my Hs C what it was that I loved about H. My answer then was his dependability, his security and his ability to get the job done. These are all traits that underneath I did not possess. He had what i wanted and that made me angry without me knowing i was angry if you can undestand. My anger came out in harsh cruel demeaning words.
Everyone brings something from there childhood or family that is not so good and as adults we are meant to recgnise destructive behaviours and adjust. This is what adults do. I did not. This lead me to behave in a destructive , disrepectful way and not just towards H but everyone. If you could talk to my H he would tell you that I would mess wih the kids heads etc He was right but not now. Now i have changed and I actually quite like me. I am open and vulnerable.
Another chance at my M would show H that between us we could have everything we both desired in a loving mature relationship. Ours would be rich also in love, friendship ,history, children, grandchildrenand fun.
It was because of this that I fought for my M. It also p$%#@ me off that I am unable to break the barrier wall down with H for him to see exactly what he is walking away from.
I know that if we started to do some fun things together, family things , romantic things then he would see the changes. But he wont do any of those things so he walks away from someone whom he now does not know. I know i am the person he probably always hoped i would be. He was patient and kind and was thinking in time we would get there. I doubt we ever would of without having put each other through this pain. Why - because I could not take critisium or fault without putting it back on him. I was not listening.
He walks away from something that could if he would take that risk with me be wonderful. That is his choice and because I am the one at fault then i must respect that.
