Am I eternally hopeful or in denial....?

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, BM and V.

Thank you for your encouragement. Tango class!??? V, that sounds great!!! I would love that! I'll have to look and see if something like that is available up here in my neck of the woods. I wanted to do deep water aerobics, which I here is really great for those of us who need to start slow, but the class didn't mesh with my work schedule.

BM, water aerobics might be a good thing for you too! Do you have a YMCA near you? They usually have good yoga classes too.

Also, have either of you checked out meetup.com? I did and went to a couple events with a "singles" group called the "Boomer Zoomers". They were a bit older than me (Baby boomers....thus the name) but they did a lot of fun things like going to concerts, and classic movies showing at the old theater in town, white water rafting, hiking (both high and low endurance). These were not people looking to "hook up" just looking to do things with other people. The couple things I went to were OK, but at the time I think I pushed myself too hard and needed to slow down and take some rest time. But, I'm thinking I might start up again.....I don't know....maybe.

Today was supposed to be the 2 hour session with C about/with S17. I wore a really nice dress to work because I like to look good when I am going to see him. It boosts my confidence and I need all of that I can get.

Anyway, S17 and I went in one car and H met us there. When we got there, we found out that C was out with the flu, and his office had left a message on my cell phone which I did not check. Well, H was annoyed at me and I felt stupid for not checking and causing us all to drive for an hour for nothing. H didn't get real mean, but I could tell he was biting his tongue.

We all chatted for a little while (mostly H and S17 talked) and I was just standing there and looking at my H and it just hit me so hard! He looked so handsome and yet felt so distant from me and I just wanted to cuddle up to him and bury my face in his chest and not let go forever! He didn't even say goodbye to me when we left to head home. He didn't say I looked nice or anything.

On the way home, I was trying not to cry, but S17 could tell something was wrong. I said "nothing" but he knew that wasn't the truth, and asked what H said to piss me off. I don't usually tell S stuff because I don't want to put him in the middle and because he really doesn't want to hear it anyway. He doesn't like to see me upset, and gets frustrated with me because he wants me to just be able to let it all go. Even though he doesn't agree with what H has done either, S does think that H is genuinely following his own happiness and I need to do the same. And he's right of course! But, as we all know it's simple but not easy! So, I finally just told S that sometimes it was hard for me to be around H and feel that distance and left it at that.

I just can't believe that my M is over and H doesn't love me anymore. It hurts beyond bearing sometimes.