bizarre news...so...even though I saw B's father last weekend - and he told me he wished that we could work things out - and gave me all his BS about wanting to help, blah, blah, blah...I heard today that he's telling people that B and I are no longer married - and so he's planning on phasing me out...so strange...I can't say that I mind not having anything to do with him - but hearing about this - and what he's saying - just makes me wonder what else B has been saying about me now...
It's strange and sad...here is what's chaning in my life right now: I have lost my wife. My wife moved out. I now only get part time with my baby boy. I am going to move to a new place. I am looking for new work (something more fulfilling). I am a single parent to sometimes two boys, sometimes one. I am alone a lot. I no longer talk with people that were like family to me - however strained - for almost ten years.
What shocks me is that B's parents don't even seem to care that they're losing all contact with my S11 - whom they used to introduce as their grandson before our baby was born...
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by how much is changing - but then I take a few deep breaths, stop crying, and remember that I have an opportunity here to improve my life in some dramatic ways.
I am sorry for what you are feeling. It really can feel so overwhelming at times. But ask yourself this, what really has changed? Okay, you have some further evidence that your FIL is a nasty controlling guy. As for what will become of your R with B and hers with your son or her parents' relationship with your son, only time will tell.
You have enough on your plate with which to cope, try really hard to put this news out of your mind. Easier said than done, I know. (H is in Belgium with his folks and it is consuming too much of my free thought time, wondering what they might be telling him to do.)
As for losing people who have been family for 10 years. I know exactly how you feel. The same thing is happening to me. I guess all we can do is to tell ourselves the outcome of those relationships is on hold for a while.
I am not a big online hugger (as Tawnya will tell you), but I feel like you need some hugs tonight so here goes...{{{{Carlos}}}}
Hugs JC...remember those who mind, don't matter and those who matter, don't mind.
My h, d7 and his family are in your neck of the woods today and tomorrow. They called me earlier from the happiest place on earth - lol.
How I wish I could have set things up so youcould meet them. However, I think h would take it all the wrong way and perhaps think that I was setting him for a bollicking from a former DAM.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Veronica, thanks for the hug...it does help, believe it or not...it's just a nice reminder to know that I'm not completely alone in my struggles - and that other good people out there are also working hard at getting their lives in order.
You know, you're right that not much has changed - it is but another reminder of how her father behaves - and yet another reminder of where she is in terms of how she sees me...If anything, I can change myself and my response to this situation - and finally let myself grow past it - feel this swell of pain and sadness that has been poisoning me today - and then just start doing things to change my life piece by piece -one thing at a time. I don't have to find the job, the new place and heal myself all in one night, right?
I can't believe how sad it makes me to think that she's becoming more like her parents - allowing her past to ruin her present and her future - rather than being strong and standing up to her past and fighting for herself...it's hear breaking - since, despite what most of my friends and family think of her at this point, she really is a good person - and I know that - I have no doubt about it....I just wish she could find a way to heal...to do the work...even if she never sees me again - just for her to heal would be such a gift.
Purple, how you manage to make me smile even when I'm feeling like I am literally walking through the latrine of hell is just a wonder...thank you...that said, if I had met your H I may have found myself saying a thing or two about dense men and how long it takes them/us to realize what we value - and how to express that value...
They're lucky to be here - the rest of the country seems to be covered in frost and snow.
How are you doing? And thanks to you for the hugs as well...
No, you do not have to do it all in one night. Slow down, one day at a time, okay? (Same goes for me.)
As for B, you just cannot know for certain what she will become at the end of her journey. Maybe she needs to sink further before hitting rock bottom. It is because we cannot know how, or when or if, that we have to focus on ourselves.
What is on tap for you tomorrow? What good thing are you going to do for yourself?
Hi Veronica, Tomorrow my writing partner and I are supposed to meet with our manager to go over the current market and talk about what to do next. We're also supposed to be reworking a screenplay that we finished a few months ago - though I've not been able to get into it yet. I did tell him about my new screenplay idea (which hit me last week) - and he liked it - so I might be writing out the outline for it...though it could also just make a good TV show...not sure which way to go with it yet.
One day at time...makes so much sense...and yet it's hard to feel like I can slow down the onslaught of changes that are coming my way...still...I know that I have to tackled things one at a time...if I'm hoping to stay reasonable sane that is.
You're also right about her journey - and putting other relationships on hold for now...who knows where she'll be when she's finished...I certainly shouldn't assume that I know, since, as she likes to point out, I know nothing about what's going on in her life right now.
How about you, V, what's on your agenda for tomorrow? -c.
Carlos, Stop worrying about changing her or the influence of her father. Wasted energy that can be used on yourself. I hear you loud and clear that you want to be with B, you also seem to recognise some of the obstacles. The things in B's way are not your issues to deal with. They effect you sure but do you have any control over dealing with them?
Quote:
I want to be happy - I want to live in a calm home without a lot of toxic issues that come out of nowhere....I want to feel loved and respected...and offer her my love and respect...
That's exactly right. That's a healthy M.
Quote:
and she was certain that it would be impossible for me to change...
I had this doubt in my head as well. I heard my W's father say "people never change" and I heard my W repeat it to me. People can and do change (maybe we just become "ourselves") and you can dispel that myth. Some very good sdvice I got here was to lead in showing my W that I could change, seeing is believing. All of my goals and 180s had to be for my benefit first, second so that my W would notice positive change. Don't change to be what she wants but to be the best Carlos, your true self.
Quote:
What do I want? I want to work harder toward becoming the man I hoped to become. I want to be a better father, a better person - and I want to focus more on my dreams - and my work - and I want to achieve more and use my talents for more than what I've been doing over the last ten years - and I want to take more responsibility for my life - and become a more complete person - so that no matter what happens with B, I am more whole...more confident and just happier...
Go for it! Do it now - no regrets. I remember you talking about riding a horse that would lead you to water. You are the horse, you know where to go and what to do. Plant your "wishing tree" and enjoy the fruit.
Focus on your well-being. You are worth it. Cheers Coach ps You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Hi V, I'm doing okay...not that great this morning...but okay. For some reason hearing that her father is walking around telling people that we're no longer married just drove home a lot of the pain and sadness in just another way...I know what he says doesn't matter and that it may or may not have anything real to do with B - but it still stings since it's just another reminder of how many aspects of my life have been torn asunder.
I was hoping to sleep more last night - but it seems I just don't sleep much anymore...which worries me. I'm thinking of just getting out and hitting the gym for a while today before doing some job hunting this afternoon - and then head off to that meeting with our manager.
One day at a time is key....I agree...I think I just have to work on having things to look forward to every day.
When I think about B - I think about her pain and her past - and I see that she's gone right back to depending on the very people that harmed her the most...She's giving control back to her parents again - something that we struggled through a lot over the years - since she would try to involve her parents in too much of our life - and I would always react by trying to keep them out of our affairs...but she would tell them too much, do things that would oblige her to them...And there she is again - after telling me how she had to be on her own, had to be independent, etc, she's turning to them for everything, and they're doing it - they're facilitating her problems...
It makes me very sad that such an amazing person could be so consumed by her past - I wish she could be stronger and get better. My sister keeps asking me why I'm not mad at B at all - and, honestly, I just don't feel angry toward her for what she's doing...I feel more pity for her than anything else -sadness that she's in such a fragile, terrible place - and that she doesn't seem to know it or know how to overcome it.
