Dianes Roller Coaster Ride continued... lol

[25yearsmlc]

D,

Let me just throw something out that might apply. Um, I have been to several t's and mc's before coming to the DB world. I pondered things like the similarities between my h and my father, both well educated workaholics, etc. I stared at my choices, and my childhood issues and h's, or my thoughts on what his childhood issues were, and my dad was an alcoholic and so is fil, and there were many things from childhood that became baggage in my adult life for ME to work on. It was enlightening. That therapy had value for me at that time. I learned a lot and made some changes. Thank God.

But, when it came to my h's MLC and our marital crisis, staring at the unchangeable past and trying to understand what really is incomprehensible to me, even now, was time consuming and pretty much useless. I wasted so much time on unanswerable questions, it is my biggest regret.

The essence of DBing, to me, with its's solution based focus gets us back to basics. What helps you feel closer to your h? What works? Going forward, not backwards and forgetting the ??? about why something happened, etc. is the idea. My DB coach once told me that my questions to h starting with the word "WHY" would imply critisizm and I think she's right. "Why are you doing this? How could you?" ETC. DO mean that the answer will be a defensive one. I did not see your email so I don't know if your focus is on the underlying causes, or what helps. If you're like I was, it's about the underlying issues and honestly I doubt to this day, that h and I will ever agree on our past.
We have different score cards, so to speak.

What matters is what we plan to do now, and going forward. What's our future going to be together? Let's forget what our past might have been. So, could you try letting go of the reasons for your h's behavior, (as I assume he doesn't even know the reasons)...AND instead see if you guys can agree on what to do now? If you can agree on that, you're somewhere. If you cannot agree on what to do going forward, then do the reasons why he was uninterested or too tired, or whatever, really matter?

j-