Stage 5, Acceptance

[25yearsmlc]

Naturally I want to chime in here...I heard some doctor on the radio (so it must be true) say that actually, the divorce rate is not significantly higher for doctors than other professions. I think lawyers have a higher one, fwiw. My guess is it depends on when you measure the m's beginning in relation to the career's time. I suspect those who marry before the training is over, endured, don't know what it'll be like and can't know until they are in it. Too hard to adequately explain.

I was married to h for the whole 'becoming a doctor' shebang, as our son was 8 weeks old when h began med school. But when we married he was a veterinary student, not a med student. When we married, we did not expect to go through what we did. Neither of us really knew what was involved when h signed on for the career change. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I'd just said, "no, don't do it. Enough of the schooling." But it didn't really occur to me to say that. Also, I was pregnant while h applied to med schools and that's why h had the miltary pay for his med school. Seemed "Safer" at the time. As FIB said, we make choices based on what we knew at the time and the tools we had then.

The biggest problem is that the toll it takes on marriage is in part b/c the long hours seem to be unrelenting. When the doc is home, he/she is exhausted and usually occupied with studying for the next case/day, so they're still not really home. Most spouses will find themselves wondering wth they were thinking getting married before or during the formative years of doctor's education/training. My guess is that the couples who make it through those years of med school, and residency then, once accomplished, are just as likely to stay married as any other couples.

But the couples facing all those years ahead of them, indeed face so many hurdles with so few respites with long periods of insufficient time together, often fail to survive. We know many couples who began as we did, married before med school and the % of those who made it through, was less than 40%. The couples who married after residency have higher success rates, but those who married before the training AND stay married through it, have the highest success rate, which may level the stats so much it's hard to know what to make of them.

I know Those 8+ years suck. But they're the benchmark I think. That's why there's a whole sub-culture with doctor's wives at our gatherings where we'll ("we" meaning the First Wives) often look at W#2, (or #6), etc, as women who've "cut in line" and are swimming in our pools...

Seriously, my first "doctor's wives club" event was something I dreaded. I worked as counsel at the hospital so for me, I was at an event of client's wives. But one remarkably frank woman, (whom I later came to love), actually came right out and said, "Oh, you're 'J' the L,' and you sleep with our h's when they're on call, right?" I replied, "no, you're confusing me with the nurses and female doctors;...I sleep with the L's suing your h's..."

So, um, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the whole doctor's divorce rate...well, who cares? Those rules don't apply to US!

(( j ))