Today was okay. Much less interaction. I know it's not quite dark, but I didn't expect to get there overnight. Basically, I speak when spoken to. If there is a question and I answer it and then a statement, I don't respond. It was a different kind of day altogether. Not bad, just different. Busy at work and got a lot of things done there.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to not reply at all unless I have to. And I really only want to talk about the kids. Okay, that's not true but I'm going to pretend it's true until it becomes true.
Thank you, all of you. Today passed so slowly it seemed, at times. I'm not really down, I just wish he'd make up his mind and that either his actions would reflect his words or that his words would reflect his actions. They are not congruent right now, and that is hard for me. It makes me think there is a chance when he has told me repeatedly there is not.
Something I realized today that is concrete. He is doing what is best for him only, right now and he expects me to understand and be okay with that. And I am, somewhat. The best I can be, but only because I want something different. But if I do what is best for me right now, (backing away), then I am being mean to him, being hateful, full of spite, things are "weird", and I am withdrawing from him again. Then he complains about the roller coaster ride again. I really do feel like this is me getting off my own ride that he has tried so hard to buckle me into. Like he wants me to want and need him, but he doesn't want to want or need me. No surprise there since he never did. It was me that spent all those nights crying over him, pouting over him, raging over him to spend time with me.
Anyway. Just have this last little tendril of rope to lay down, I think. It's a little bit sticky, but I think I'm gonna be able to lay it down anyway.
Love ya'll.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
