out of respect

[alexjadams]

I posted this in order to defend myself on another's posters forum they asked that I leave & out of respect for their wishes I will not post on their forum

We come here because we want to be justified, told that we are the good guy & the WAS is the mean & evil one, I'm here to say is do we want the truth or do we want to be lied to and never face our demons & the demons that we have that caused the turmoil that is our marriage.

The truth is simple, life is simple let me explain why we are here...

As the LBS none of us are well adjusted, we are mentally UN-stable people we all are going through something, the most common are alcohol addiction, depression, mental or physical abuse, but we suffer from many different things (all of these demons within ourselves we don't make our spouse do these things, they all ready have these demons), as we are raised by our parents we learn what love is buy watching the dysfunctional relationship that we call our parent's marriage and as children that's what we learn is love.

For me being the son of a hypocritical, self discriminating, drama queen guess what I married, tiring to save my mother, guess what? I didn't save her I made my wife's life worse & brought 3 kinds in to this nightmare with out working out my "superman issues" and then helped my wife with all the wrong tactics no wonder she did. BTW we were both 2 people in desperate need of counseling like all of us on this forum. That's not what we did we got married we thought we knew enough, like everyone else here, we were wrong!

My wife at the tender age of 10 years old, watch her mother bleed to death from cancer & alcohol (good mix huh?) on December 24, 1987 (guess what her favorite holiday is?) so after that her selfish father made her the "MOM" role and then brought in a mean evil step mom & there I was being superman saving "Cinderella" (my mother) that's not what my wife needed, she needed a friend? She needed loving non judgmental ear.

So, fast forward 11 years later, 2 or more affairs from my wife and then me going through the five stages of grief about my marriage.

Have we learned anything? Yes

We are human we all make mistakes
If you want to judge your cheating spouse, fine go ahead you were the perfect one in the marriage right?
But you weren't the one who cheated or left, (yes you did! you mentally checked out when they needed you the most) did you do everything in the marriage you could? (if that answer is yes, you are lying to yourself or you are well adjusted and you are here just to laugh at us the broken hearted)

Our spouses are other human beings with emotions, feelings, and painful histories, these people who are in need of someone & we aren't there for them they go into the arms of the OP & all of a sudden we become understanding, we are ready to change everything that is wrong with us, it's too late most of our spouses are not willing to deal with us, then we come here to whine, complain and throw our spouses under the bus. But wait we didn't exactly pick a mentally balanced person then somewhere in the marriage we quit, & when they went off the reservation we get mad, even & judgmental

Question for ya! If we take a 3 year old child, put them in a room starving and give them two choices of food to eat, Broccoli & water or candy & soda, guess which one they are going to pick, you can't expect a 3 year old to make rational decisions, but here we are expecting someone who we know is not a well adjusted person, hell none of us are either!
But yet we are so judgmental and sit on our high horse because we are the mentally stable ones right? After all we didn't cheat

So when I say "i can only give you the truth, I can't make you believe it" the truth is all of our stories are the same just change the names & details

WAS leave & the LBS waits then, we decide to better ourselves, or move on in our lives, that's right about the time the WAS realizes that they have issues they need to work on & try to come back (but some of them don't, after you cheat someone, for some people it's hard to face them again, hard to look at someone & know you are the cause of their pain) Now the WAS becomes the LBS, as the LBS has moved on & we decide life is better with out an ill-adjusted mentally unstable spouse that now wants to return. We are like "no way, I have healed & moved on" & you have, so you are now the WAS. We all go through this; this is the cycle of life.

Last thing I have to say is love....

What is it, Unconditional, non-judgmental & open minded, yet we turn it off & on at our own whims, who really wants to be loved like that? Who wants a love from someone knowing that there are conditions to it? If you don't do this, I will stop loving you & if you start doing that I will stop loving you. Again who wants this kind of love, yes our WAS are doing things we disagree with and we hope they would stop, but don't they still deserve love? Doesn't everyone deserve it?

You must love yourself in order to give love, I can't let you borrow 10 dollars from a 20 I don't have!

WWJD?? He said let he who is with out sin cast the 1st stone, forgive the trespasser who trespass upon us, any of this sounds familiar? But we are quick to judge them and force them to do what we feel is the right thing to do, why wonder they leave us...