1.) Moved back home last night a.) Feeling out-of-sorts, no inspiration, tired, useless, sad
2.) Feeling deep separation anxiety a.) Missing A b.) Wishing I didn't have to wait two weeks to talk to him c.) Wishing I could call him at the spur of the moment to go to lunch.
3.) When will I feel like I've reached a substantial goal? I want to FEEL emotionally connected with him.
... Building trust in him that he 'does' actually choose to come toward me...The consistent pattern gives me a feeling of stability...For the first time, I could wait with a feeling of trust. I think that is progress for the both of us...
jojo-
Let me know how it goes with the trust issue.
It's a biggie for me, after all I trusted my H that he'd honor our vows and look where THAT got me! I used to trust that he'd take care of me and look out for me, but I'm slowly realizing that I need to do those things.
Take care-
H 51/W 43 Together 24yrs/Married 19yrs 2 kids- D18 & S16 "I want out" July 2008 "I want out" Dec 2008 "I want you out" Aug 2009 Still in house thru it all
Everyone's situation is complicated, intricate, and delicate. These past few years, I have quietly, yet achingly, watched my H leave me (for all the reasons we read in DBing) to not talk to me for 1-1/2 years, to eventually, in his turtle style, e-mail me, txt me, call me, and then little-by-little watching him make initiating patterns. I want to just tell him to stop being so stupid and come home, but I know he will run the other direction.
The trusting is trusting that his behavior is changing by initiating phone calls every couple of weeks by looking for me. I also have to trust myself that I am getting stronger by letting him come seek me (and eventually our R) out all by himself without my getting in his way. It isn't easy. I do a lot of talking to myself, re-reading my journals, and remembering what my db coach, Laurie, has told me. She has been a great source of advice, encouragement, support, and inspiration to me. I am thankful that the confidence in myself is stronger, as well. I have been consentrating on developing my identity in these past couple of years. Feeling better with myself has definitely helped me keep my hopes up. In turn, I have to trust that my H is seeing a new independent change in my behavior, too.
1.) Wondering why I have to do this. Is this a bad dream? I miss being married.
2.) Thoughts of how M used to contaminate my mind about A is giving me a headache. Why is he friends with her? a.) I guess I want to be angry. b.) Wish I could tell A about how much our first fight together is still getting to me. c.) My other friend, E, told me that M used to talk to everyone about me.
3.) Doubting things again. E told me that being invited to A's place was out of obligation...that upset me...I must be stupid.
4.) I want to communicate to A, but I feel I have to 'go dark' because my initiating connection might push him away. Why is this always sooooo tough?
5.) I expect a wonderful miracle. I miss him.
6.) I want my goal to be letting him know that having a R with me doesn't mean 'all or nothing at all'. Why does having an R with me threaten him so?
7.) I'm tired and weary. This never really gets easy.
I want to communicate to A, but I feel I have to 'go dark' because my initiating connection might push him away. Why is this always sooooo tough? ...I'm tired and weary. This never really gets easy.
jojo- I'm thinking about you and hoping you're finding the strength to keep trying.
It IS hard to be strong and outwardly positive when you feel afraid, confused, rejected, angry. I think my H knew I was all of those things. But when I openly displayed them it was so much pain for him, and he got angry. I thought it was at me but I think it was more at himself. But he wanted the pain to stop, and the only way he thought he could get it to stop was to leave. But when I stopped being a source of the pain he didn't have to run from it, or me. And when he didn't have me to be angry with he was left with... himself. I didn't do this for long, mind you, and there are others on this site with much more experience and wisdom than I.
But what I did was get up at 6am and run, and cry, and yell at God and watch the sun come up. That helped me in my quest to be strong and outwardly positive.
It still does.
H 51/W 43 Together 24yrs/Married 19yrs 2 kids- D18 & S16 "I want out" July 2008 "I want out" Dec 2008 "I want you out" Aug 2009 Still in house thru it all
Thanks for your support and encouragement. I believe that somehow when we encourage others, we find strength in ourselves.
I will never stop. I will always wait patiently, but sometimes, I just wish the process was a little bit faster. I want to give into the patience. I think I might try the jogging ... exercise, in general, will help me reduce some of this stress and sense of frustration.
Sometimes in their attempt to protect me, friends and co-workers say things that hurt because they don't see the whole picture. This always puts me into a whirl wind.
Thanks for checking in ... keep me posted on how you are, as well.
Just showed my Mom the db picture of you. She and my Dad are doing and feeling much better. They have more energy, more focus, more smiles, and a better, more hopeful outlook. I feel we are pulling through together--a good team!
As for me, I'm trying desperately not to sabotage my thoughts and actions. I would hate to undermine all the good that has been achieved. I have been struggling with bad thoughts that have been fed to me by my co-workers and the good thoughts that I feel are real and true.
A came into work yesterday, Monday. That is a good thing because it is 9 days after I saw him last. I was surprised to see him because he said that he was going to come in last week, but I told him that I was going to be on vacation.
He was with a nine year old boy who he was babysitting. What bothers me is that A introduced him as his 'son'. I know it isn't. I just didn't think that was very funny. Strange. Was that meant to tell me something, was it meant to hurt me, or is it A's sense of humor through shock. Not funny! 'Who is this, A?' He laughed. 'Well, this is my son for today. I'm babysitting.' He said that he was babysitting because he had a day off from school. I received no other info.
I asked the boy, 'so, how do you two know each other?' He responded, 'A is my mother's friend. I see him whenever we go to the car store.' That was an opportunity for me to ask some more questions, but I didn't.
The boy didn't mention a father (as in A is my parents' friend). He just mentioned his Mom. That has been killing me inside. I get myself settled. Then, I'm confused. After A left, I felt like I was hit by a wet sponge. I didn't know what to make of it. It didn't hurt, but it was an odd sensation. Weird.
My friends at work saw A. Asked who the boy was and then made their swooping angry comments. I got more upset. They told me that A was a jerk for bringing his girlfriend's son with him to work and introduced him as his own. But that isn't what he said.
I don't think it is A's girlfriend. A makes a lot of friends. He could have met her as a client or she works at the same place.
1.) A came into work to buy something that he could have bought anywhere. Why? 2.) He kissed me smack on the lips...twice...saying hello and good-bye. Plus, he threw me some air kisses when he left. A doesn't do that to anyone. Why? 3.) The boy said 'friend'. He could have said A is my Mom's girlfriend? Kids are usually straight forward like that. 4.) We kind of flirted with each other at one brief point. 5.) I really don't think that A would be that mean. a.) K told me that it could be a new R for him. b.) Still, I don't think A would be that mean. I really don't.
My Mom, my roommate, and my friend agree with me. They all know A. They think I shouldn't worry.
My feeling is that maybe this is a good time to make my goal clear to A. I'm not sure. One good thing about it is I feel confident to tell him whatever I want.
This has scared me to think that maybe I should push the peddle to the metal. That is how I feel. It is not what I know to do.
Ouch ... I miss him.
Big Hug, L, SD is too far away. I wish we could have cookies together. Talk soon.
1.) Dealing with circumstances like the past few days, the choice of 'going dark' has forced me to behave 180 degrees differently than how I normally would behave. a.) I suppose it has protected me because without this new promise to be disciplined in the R patterns in what 'going dark' has offered, I probably would have felt chaos and powerless. b.) 'Going dark' has helped me to do the unexpected in stepping back because A is used to me reacting by reaching out and trying to resolve and figure things out by talking and with emotions.
2.) I am very happy that I have been quiet.
3.) Still, I wonder if there is anything else I can add to the plan since I feel stronger now than I did a while back. a.) Just wondering
Emotional rollercycle still going strong. This is what I wrote as my future words to A:
Dear A,
How do I say this in three sentences or less?
What I believe in 'now' more than ever before is 'actions speak louder than words'. But I don't know how to show you that to have a relationship with me does not mean 'all or nothing at all'?
I would really prefer to enjoy your company, to hang out, to have fun, to eat together, watch movies, to laugh, experience, enjoy each other ... whatever ...
I not only hold you in high esteem and appreciate who you are, but I like being with you ... It is not 'either-or' with me ... it never was.
Quite frankly, A, I miss your company ... never mind love ... I like you, you're a good guy, your funny, smart thoughtful, and talented, and so much more...what's more, I think you enjoy my company, too. For that matter, I miss being your companion, as well.
How do I say this in the fewest sentences as possible?
What I believe in 'now' more than ever before is 'actions speak louder than words', but I don't know how to ‘show’ you that to have a relationship with me does not mean 'all or nothing at all'?
I would really prefer to enjoy your company, to hang out, to have fun, to eat together, watch movies, to laugh, experience, enjoy each other, encourage ... whatever ...
I not only hold you in high esteem and appreciate who you are, but I like being with you ... It is not 'either-or' with me ... it never was.
Quite frankly, A, I miss your companionship ... never mind love ... I like you, you're a good guy, your funny, smart, thoughtful, and talented. I like who you are...what's more, I think you enjoy my company, too, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t find our strength and inspiration independently. It is not ‘all or nothing’. Understand?
