For any unfaithful spouses out there I thought i would share with you what i have learned about why i had an A.
It may even help those ( like H ) whose spouses have had an affair understand a little better and see that often with understanding as to why someone had an A you can heal and fix the problem.
For me the anger I had not only made me think I could have an affair but it triggered how I treated H and others for many years. I thoughht the problem was him and everyone else and now i know better.
Sadly for me to late but my kids certainly have a much better mother now. So anyway here goes:
Shame-Based Anger: Thats me
I was someone who needed a lot of attention and was very sensitive to criticism and so I developed this style of anger. The slightest criticism set off my own shame. Unfortunately, I did not like myself very much. You would never of known this if you had ever met me. I laugh, I thought i was a good friend and mother, I was confident and strong.
But I felt worthless, not good enough, broken, unloveable. So, when someone ignored me or said something negative, I took it as proof that the other person dislikes me as much as I disliked myself. I often thought how I hated how I behaved but I could not stop because I did not understand.
But that made me really angry, so I lashed out. I thought, "You made me feel awful, so I'm going to hurt you back." I got rid of my shame by blaming, criticising, and ridiculing others. My anger helped me get revenge against anybody I thought shamed me. I avoided my own feelings of inadequacy by shaming others.
Raging against others to hide shame doesn't work very well. I usually ended up attacking the ones I loved. This was husband, mother , father etc
I continued to be oversensitive to insults because of my poor self-image. My anger and loss of control only made me feel worse about myself.
For me this was evident in how i handled conflict with my kids teachers, friends, in laws everything. As soon as i felt threatened in i charged , saying whatever I felt like. i put H down , called him names etc.
I did only what i knew how at the time and having come through this painful process of affair and separation and councilling i know better.
I am calmer, more reasonable and see lots more good in peoples intentions than before. It has cost me my marriage and it has hurt my children to the core.
I think that this lesson has been the silver lining. Everything has its purpose. I no longer am angry.
