i can only give you the truth, i can't make you believe it
i hope the 2 of you learn to forgive & accept each other & the flaws that comes with....
good bye
You can't possibly give someone THEIR truth, especially based on a few (hundred) posts on a thread on a web site.
You can give yours. You can share your perception, your opinion, your experience. We're all the hero in our own story. I'm sure you're the hero in yours.
If you want to help people here, LISTEN to THEIR truth & offer support & encouragement. Don't try to shove your truth down their throat. It doesn't work.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I don't condone what you did in the past. However, I have to say that I see you as strong for coming here. I'm sorry that you've taken this verbal beating lately. I can say that we're similar and I came close to being a WAW because of the problems that alcohol caused. My H is home, but I'm still pretty much a LBS.
I know that we're supposed to be there "until death do us part" and "in sickness and in health". However, until you've been the child and/or wife of an alcoholic, you have no idea what it's like. I'm not trying to sound like a "woe is me" kind of person, but it's true. It's the same with being in a relationship where an A has happened. People have NO idea the pain until they've lived it. I know I'm rambling, but I just want to say that I understand where you're coming from as far as your past with your H and the problems that alcohol played.
Take care!
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Today was okay. Much less interaction. I know it's not quite dark, but I didn't expect to get there overnight. Basically, I speak when spoken to. If there is a question and I answer it and then a statement, I don't respond. It was a different kind of day altogether. Not bad, just different. Busy at work and got a lot of things done there.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to not reply at all unless I have to. And I really only want to talk about the kids. Okay, that's not true but I'm going to pretend it's true until it becomes true.
Thank you, all of you. Today passed so slowly it seemed, at times. I'm not really down, I just wish he'd make up his mind and that either his actions would reflect his words or that his words would reflect his actions. They are not congruent right now, and that is hard for me. It makes me think there is a chance when he has told me repeatedly there is not.
Something I realized today that is concrete. He is doing what is best for him only, right now and he expects me to understand and be okay with that. And I am, somewhat. The best I can be, but only because I want something different. But if I do what is best for me right now, (backing away), then I am being mean to him, being hateful, full of spite, things are "weird", and I am withdrawing from him again. Then he complains about the roller coaster ride again. I really do feel like this is me getting off my own ride that he has tried so hard to buckle me into. Like he wants me to want and need him, but he doesn't want to want or need me. No surprise there since he never did. It was me that spent all those nights crying over him, pouting over him, raging over him to spend time with me.
Anyway. Just have this last little tendril of rope to lay down, I think. It's a little bit sticky, but I think I'm gonna be able to lay it down anyway.
Love ya'll.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
I do agree with Alex on til death do us part. We took the oath and I am having to live by that to and its hard sometimes knowing I took that when my W wants to get out of this and be with OM down the road. Its hard to swallow spending the rest of my life alone. However, I also think there are times when separation is best to let someone work on themselves. And right now, your H needs to work on himself. He has some major issues that he needs to clean up so that he can come back to you a better man. I hope he takes advantage of this. Its actually a gift he is being given and he needs to realize that. I'm not so fortunate to get the gift from my wife because when she did give it to me over a year ago, it didn't dawn on my how serious she was and just how much trouble our marriage was in. Now it has dawned on me and I realize everything and I am basically begging for that gift one last time to use it wisely. And so far, she is not giving in. Ugg. I have made so many changes and she tells me she has seen changes before.
The last time, she said it was ok for me to have some drinks now and then and I took it to far. This time, I have not been touching it even though she has told me it is ok. I refuse to and have refused to. I'm done with the alcohol. She is welcomed to partake. I help out around the house, clean, cook, do laundry, am involved with the kids, have a better relationship with them, have worked to try different things that interest my wife and things that could make us more compatible only to have her close the door on each thing I suggest.
Your H is lucky. Have I already said that? I wish I could talk to him and just tell him how lucky he is to have this gift. I'd take it in a heartbeat. I'd give anything for that.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Aww, Kev, you're making me cry. I wish he saw it your way, but he doesn't and he probably won't. I'll keep my fingers crossed, but it's his choice now. Sometimes it seems like the mountainous pile of cr@p is so huge to get through that there is just no way. It has just been such a huge tag team of doing things to each other that were never intended to hurt the other, that I don't know. I refused to go back to marriage counseling with him three years ago when he went to stop drinking and even told him I wouldn't help him. Because I was tired and drained.
This part is interesting. I never wanted him to have to quit drinking either. I wanted him to find a medium, a balance, so that he could be happy and that I could get what I need. I never wanted my needs to supercede what made him happy. And I hate that it has to be that way, but I see now that it does.
Hugs, Bub. It will get better. It won't always be like this.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
My first threat is locked. I discovered that after I posted reply your your earlier post.
Anyways, what are you taking in school?
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
