Hi Coach and Kalni... What a pleasant surprise to see both of you here on my thread - I've followed both of your stories so much that I'm really touched to have you drop by.
So you've both made me take a big step back just now and just think about things...and I really don't know what to say. What do I really want? Take with what Kalni pointed out about where I am right now, I don't know how to answer that without making it sound like I just want my wife (I call her B now) to be a different person. I worry about B being too much like her parents - especially her father - an angry, narcissistic, toxic man that harmed B so much when she was a child...and yet, sadly, I see her becoming more and more like him as our M continues to unravel.
What do I want? I'll ask myself that again, and try not to look at her as a damaged, less-beautiful woman - and say that what I want, when I wake in the morning and my heart aches - is for to be with her...but I just worry that my heart wants something that is not good for me - and not good for my S11. Before the bomb, back when I was the one that wanted to leave, I was very unhappy with my M. A few years ago B had an affair, and throughout our M she has had inappropriate friendships with men that always have way too much in common with her father. I know that these friendships were about her trying to find that "ideal" daddy figure - but the men would always try to take it in a sexual direction (via emails mostly) - and then she would be surprised, tell me about it, and vow not to let it happen again...but it always would...and it finally culminated in her affair of three years ago....
Beyond her A, there was her constant anger toward me and my S11...I know that I contributed to it...and I wish I could go back now and undue my contribution - but what I see now is that even without me in her life, she still has that anger - only it's worse.
What do I want? I want to be with the woman I fell in love with...no...that's not quite true...I want to be with her, would love to be with her - but I can't be with her if she's unwilling to address her real issues and see where her pain and anger comes from. She says it's me - but I knew the pain and anger were there before we even met...and I know how her father treats her - and how he treats people in general - and that she grew up in a home in which she never felt loved by him so much as threatened...but now she associated my love for her with the kind of pain that he brought into her life...and there's nothing I can do about it...so....
What do I want? I want to be happy - I want to live in a calm home without a lot of toxic issues that come out of nowhere....I want to feel loved and respected...and offer her my love and respect...but when I think about where we were, and how she treated our relationship and our marriage (and me)...I worry that I would just be waiting patiently for her to come back and offer me more of the same...since she is not willing to look into/at herself and see what she brought into our situation.
When we were in MC she would say, again and again, that she didn't have to change anything about herself because she knew what was wrong, and she was certain that it would be impossible for me to change...her proof that I could not change or grow was that her father would always say he was sorry after he hurt her - but he never changed...and I would hear this and I would hear myself weeping inside...thinking...but that's not me....don't you see me?
What do I want? I want to work harder toward becoming the man I hoped to become. I want to be a better father, a better person - and I want to focus more on my dreams - and my work - and I want to achieve more and use my talents for more than what I've been doing over the last ten years - and I want to take more responsibility for my life - and become a more complete person - so that no matter what happens with B, I am more whole...more confident and just happier...
But for now, I won't send her the note I keep writing in my head - the one in which I say, okay, I understand you don't want to be with me, and that you can't love me, and that you don't want to work on yourself or our marriage, so please just let me go...file for the divorce and let me go...because deep in my heart I am not ready for that...I am detached from her, and I love her, but I don't think I can abandon hope in her yet - she's an amazing person - brilliant, beautiful and so imaginative in so many ways - she could do anything she set her mind to if she believed in herself enough...and I always loved her thinking...wow...I can't wait until you find yourself completely...and maybe that was my mistake...falling in love with her potential? I don't know...I just wish she could be happy....and that I could be happy as well. Together would be ideal...though right now that just seems impossible...
