Interesting suggestion...in that maybe she did feel something when I played with my S2 and just had to find a way to make that feeling negative? Don't know...but the tempest in her mind is fascinating at times.
Hi Veronica: Just got home from an amazing day of soccer with my S11. His team lost their first game yesterday - but then game storming back in the second game - and then had two intense games today. The first game was tied 0-0 going into the last ten minutes - then the other team scored 1 - and it seemed like it would end that way...when all of a sudden the kids just woke up and scored three goals in the last five minutes - it was unreal.
That win qualified them for the playoffs - and they had to play an undefeated team - and were down 1-0 after just five minutes into the game. In the second half my S11 scored a beautiful goal that arched right over the keepers head and nestled in the far corner of the goal...it was just amazing. After that goal, his team just controlled the game, and were finally able to put in another goal with just 12 minutes left in the game. (Two goals that my S11 had assists on were called back due to some funky off-sides calls). So...now they move onto the championship round next Saturday...which should just be amazing.
Right now my S11 and I are about to head out for sushi to celebrate his goal and their two victories...provided he ever gets out of the bath, that is...
So...I'm doing great. Feeling really calm and happy right now - I thought I might miss B a lot today...but instead I got a reminder from my S11 about how sometimes, when he would play in a big game, when it was over she would immediately start talking about herself...and just seem to resent the attention he was getting...it's funny what he's sharing with me these days...so very open...though I know that I have to take it with a grain of salt since her absence also means that he gets my undivided attention when his S2 isn't with us...and I know he enjoys that a lot too.
I'm beginning to find that I'm in the wonderful ambivalent stage - and I am being very sarcastic in using the word wonderful, since there's nothing wonderful about not know whether or not I should bother loving a woman I cared enough about to marry four years ago.
But that's where I am...in the sea of ambivalence - utterly unsure of how to feel about B (that's how I'm referring to my wife now). I know about how I contributed to the demise of our M - and I know about the many things I had/have to work on toward becoming and being a better man...yes I find myself glancing back now and seeing so many of the things that pushed me away from her over the years and I hear myself saying that if she is unwilling to work on improving then there is no way I can be with her - none - I just can't be in a M with a woman that lies to me - that strays from our M - that treats my older son badly when he doesn't do what she wants - and who just can't seem to put her family first at all...
In other words...part of me just wants to call her up and ask her to start to divorce process...since I can't see much to work toward anymore - much to "fight" for - rather I think more and more in terms of my release from a person that maybe was too harmful for me - and a family of origin that was layered with too many dark and distressing issues...I don't mind extricating myself from her family at all...nor do I mind the idea of having our baby with me away from her family for at least some of his time as he's growing up - so that I can raise him with a calmer, safer, more loving environment...hm...as I write this stuff I find myself feeling less and less ambivalent and just want to be released from the whole thing...Makes me sad for my baby boy that he has to be part of her family...
I know what you mean, my friend. Sometimes I do wonder why I am still holding on...may be stubbornness, honor of my vow, hopefulness or plan old love. I found the answer to this question is changing every days if not hours. To me, button line is stay true and fair to myself. When you feel like you are TRULY ready to go, you will know. Listen to that little voice...(prefer the one with halo instead of pitchfork... )
You will figure all this out in no time...
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Listen to that little voice...(prefer the one with halo instead of pitchfork... )
NW626
This is an instant classic NW. On top of that I was enjoying a nice cup of joe at the time a read this and the screen almost got a taste of the java. almost ...
Thanks for the laugh. I couldn't agree more. Go little halo guy!
I have been pretty upset this morning. I am tired of telling myself not to take personally the fact that my H does not want to be with me, tired of holding on, just tired. So I started thinking maybe I should just let go. Then I realize I am not ready.
All this to say I think NW626, once again, has got some sage advice. Just keep feeling your feelings and listening to the little voice (the one with the halo). He is so right about the importance of staying true and fair to oneself. I plan to follow his advice.
But that's where I am...in the sea of ambivalence - utterly unsure of how to feel about B
What is it you really want? Cheers Coach ps I've been keeping up with you just not posting much anywhere.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You are going thru that phase where you are "de-beautifying" your wife (sorry, dont know the english word, so I am making my own, LOL). In the begining, when they leave, they are ... amazing, unique, the best thing that happened to us and "how the heck did we cause them to leave?" At least, that was me. Full of guilt and remorse. Then I found myself doing what you are doing now when after a while my H remained out of reach and I felt I had changed and was disappointed that that wasnt enough to bring him home. I got mad, waves of anger I could feel even during my sleep. When that calmed down, I saw him for what he really is (or close). And still thought he was good "enough" for me to fight for him.
What I am saying is, wait, dont do anything when you feel "too much", calm down. The true picture will show and you will know what to do... xxx K
Hi Coach and Kalni... What a pleasant surprise to see both of you here on my thread - I've followed both of your stories so much that I'm really touched to have you drop by.
So you've both made me take a big step back just now and just think about things...and I really don't know what to say. What do I really want? Take with what Kalni pointed out about where I am right now, I don't know how to answer that without making it sound like I just want my wife (I call her B now) to be a different person. I worry about B being too much like her parents - especially her father - an angry, narcissistic, toxic man that harmed B so much when she was a child...and yet, sadly, I see her becoming more and more like him as our M continues to unravel.
What do I want? I'll ask myself that again, and try not to look at her as a damaged, less-beautiful woman - and say that what I want, when I wake in the morning and my heart aches - is for to be with her...but I just worry that my heart wants something that is not good for me - and not good for my S11. Before the bomb, back when I was the one that wanted to leave, I was very unhappy with my M. A few years ago B had an affair, and throughout our M she has had inappropriate friendships with men that always have way too much in common with her father. I know that these friendships were about her trying to find that "ideal" daddy figure - but the men would always try to take it in a sexual direction (via emails mostly) - and then she would be surprised, tell me about it, and vow not to let it happen again...but it always would...and it finally culminated in her affair of three years ago....
Beyond her A, there was her constant anger toward me and my S11...I know that I contributed to it...and I wish I could go back now and undue my contribution - but what I see now is that even without me in her life, she still has that anger - only it's worse.
What do I want? I want to be with the woman I fell in love with...no...that's not quite true...I want to be with her, would love to be with her - but I can't be with her if she's unwilling to address her real issues and see where her pain and anger comes from. She says it's me - but I knew the pain and anger were there before we even met...and I know how her father treats her - and how he treats people in general - and that she grew up in a home in which she never felt loved by him so much as threatened...but now she associated my love for her with the kind of pain that he brought into her life...and there's nothing I can do about it...so....
What do I want? I want to be happy - I want to live in a calm home without a lot of toxic issues that come out of nowhere....I want to feel loved and respected...and offer her my love and respect...but when I think about where we were, and how she treated our relationship and our marriage (and me)...I worry that I would just be waiting patiently for her to come back and offer me more of the same...since she is not willing to look into/at herself and see what she brought into our situation.
When we were in MC she would say, again and again, that she didn't have to change anything about herself because she knew what was wrong, and she was certain that it would be impossible for me to change...her proof that I could not change or grow was that her father would always say he was sorry after he hurt her - but he never changed...and I would hear this and I would hear myself weeping inside...thinking...but that's not me....don't you see me?
What do I want? I want to work harder toward becoming the man I hoped to become. I want to be a better father, a better person - and I want to focus more on my dreams - and my work - and I want to achieve more and use my talents for more than what I've been doing over the last ten years - and I want to take more responsibility for my life - and become a more complete person - so that no matter what happens with B, I am more whole...more confident and just happier...
But for now, I won't send her the note I keep writing in my head - the one in which I say, okay, I understand you don't want to be with me, and that you can't love me, and that you don't want to work on yourself or our marriage, so please just let me go...file for the divorce and let me go...because deep in my heart I am not ready for that...I am detached from her, and I love her, but I don't think I can abandon hope in her yet - she's an amazing person - brilliant, beautiful and so imaginative in so many ways - she could do anything she set her mind to if she believed in herself enough...and I always loved her thinking...wow...I can't wait until you find yourself completely...and maybe that was my mistake...falling in love with her potential? I don't know...I just wish she could be happy....and that I could be happy as well. Together would be ideal...though right now that just seems impossible...
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