It seems to be working! Sometimes....

[sandycay]

Well, it's official, I am relfecting today because:

IT's BEEN ONE LONG YEAR SINCE THE BOMB.

A part of me died that day, but new parts were born.

I never thought I would sleep, eat, be complete. I wondered what could I do to win him back. I spent many hours staring at the walls, the skies. Wondering....waiting.

I read here a lot and I listened and I learned.

Zip your lip is one of my favorites and boy is it hard.

Today, I have brought up a lot of emotions that I have buried over the last year. I have not let myself think of this day in along time. I remember not being able to breath, vomiting in the toilet, sliding down my office wall to my knees, my blue robe I was wearing. I even remember what I had for dinner the night before and what we did that day because that was the last day of my life as I knew.... that was my last supper. I remember repeating over and over that this is not real, this is not real.

I have never eaten that dinner again and I don't wear the robe anymore but it hangs in my bathroom. I think I should be rid of it.

H recognized last night that I was "different" and I told him that tomorrow (today) would be difficult. He had not realized the date. I wish I were like that I am very date oriented. It's just not a big deal for him, because he wants to not be reminded (in his words) what a sh*t head he was by f*cking up my life and his life and our kids life.

So what did I do? Well, I had expectations that there would be some over the top conversation about it and when there wasn't acknowledgement I got hurt. I struck out then because I don't know....I wanted him to somehow know the physical pain he caused me but instead I picked a fight.

I think some part of me wanted/wants to know if he would fight for me? So, how do I get that? By telling him I just don't feel like this is going so well and maybe we should re-evaulate what we are doing. I dropped that on him over the phone right before he walked into work. DAMN I haven't acted out like that in well over a year. WTH is wrong with me. I think he thinks that when he gets out of work I am kicking him out.

I can't communicate with him until later this afternoon. I don't know what to do now.

So on this day of reflection I learned it's better to not reflect.

AND

The most important thing I should be doing this year on these "special" dates is making new wonderful memories so next year if I were to reflect on this day it would be a happy one. I hope and I pray that I get the chance to change that tide for today and the rest of our days together.