When do the tears go away ?

[still hopeful]

I know the feeling of ME reacting to her changes in behavior and that's when I know I am focusing on her instead of focusing on me.

I have been making slow but steady progress in (1) detaching emotinally and disengaging behaviorally and (2) continuing to file ALL intereractions in the corrects folder in which these interactions belong. The first folder is labeled pleasant interactions. The second is unpleasant interactions. My 'filing' is only finished when the interaction has been pared down the the ACTUAL objective interaction, meaning it includes NO subjective feelings, emotions, sub-text, nor mind reading.

This helps me to keep an objective, real, running log of my life with my XW. Of course I am always aware of the subjective feelings or emotions wrapped around our interactions, but I need to keep track of the true nature of the happenings in an objective way so that I am able to weigh where XW and I are relationship-wise. When I allow subjective feelings to negatively color objective actions between us, I ruin my reality unnecessarily. I'd rather not do that. I work to stay in control of me and my reality.

Anyway, I would fight the urge to 'clear the air' with your XW. SHOW her you are different. She will notice. Everyone will. Most importantly you will, but you need to notice your improvements/changes in a congratulatory or inspirational way, not in a denigrating assessment of how you used to be. Celebrate your progress. Focus on you. Focus on the future.

All of you work on you is your gift to you. Regardless of what happens with you and your XW, you get to keep your gifts to yourself. You will share the new and improved you with someone. It'll be her loss if she can't see the present and remains stuck in the past; don't make it your loss.

Tom