I want to communicate to A, but I feel I have to 'go dark' because my initiating connection might push him away. Why is this always sooooo tough? ...I'm tired and weary. This never really gets easy.
jojo- I'm thinking about you and hoping you're finding the strength to keep trying.
It IS hard to be strong and outwardly positive when you feel afraid, confused, rejected, angry. I think my H knew I was all of those things. But when I openly displayed them it was so much pain for him, and he got angry. I thought it was at me but I think it was more at himself. But he wanted the pain to stop, and the only way he thought he could get it to stop was to leave. But when I stopped being a source of the pain he didn't have to run from it, or me. And when he didn't have me to be angry with he was left with... himself. I didn't do this for long, mind you, and there are others on this site with much more experience and wisdom than I.
But what I did was get up at 6am and run, and cry, and yell at God and watch the sun come up. That helped me in my quest to be strong and outwardly positive.
It still does.
H 51/W 43 Together 24yrs/Married 19yrs 2 kids- D18 & S16 "I want out" July 2008 "I want out" Dec 2008 "I want you out" Aug 2009 Still in house thru it all
