I was reading SC's post of last night. I could have written that post. Our lives don't have many similarities but our paths brought us to a point where we doubt where we should be and what we should do now.
Last nights' discussion with H was a breakthrough moment for me. Last night I didn't sleep, I was trying to figure out what I want and need and what I can live with/without.
I know now what is wrong and it isn't related only with my H's inability to act as a man in love. It also has to do with me and the fact that it is too late in so many ways.
The ideal outcome would be to create a good R with my H and live a happy life with our kids. Happy, content, fun, exciting, interesting...
I am not sure that is possible anymore. Because my heart is gone. I can still see he is a good man, I care for him, I can still see my responsibilities/blame for our current situation but I don't know if what I feel can change. I am not in love with him. He is close to me, familiar, I know him, we have our kids together, history, but I can see no future. I tried to do the right thing, I still try but it's getting harder everyday. I feel trapped. No matter what any of you will say, I can't ignore the fact that what I feel is only able to maintain a friendship with him, not an emotional relationship between a man and a woman.
I can't explain this but somehow I feel like a young person full with ambitions, eager to live life as good as I can and the prospect of living with H kills all the desires and dreams. It is what SC says, I need someone to put energy in this R, not someone that sucks energy from me. I need to feel provoked, motivated, I need to feel my partner in life makes me want to be a better person. He doesn't have that effect on me.
It saddens me, I am not Ok with it. I can't say I am. I am unhappy even wit the potential we have. I feel guilty towards him now. I feel I push him to do the right thing although I know that even if he does, he will not be able to "touch" me.
I wish I could just say "it's over", move on, and know that he, the kids and I will be alright. That my parents will not torture me for the rest of my life about this decision (I hope I don't shock you ). I wish I could be happy at noone's expense.
Tomorrow I am meeting my C. I think I will tell her everything and ask for help. I seriously doubt the "love is a choice" theory. And if any of you guys want to know how WASs feel, ask me... I have gained clarity about my H's actions before and during the bomb through what I feel now. I understand him.
I want to sit with him, hold him and cry and tell him, "I am sorry darling, we f@cked up, this is over, we missed the chance, the time, we broke the glass and the glass can't be glued back together again...".
Hi K
I hope you are smiling miss sunshine
You felt a pull towards cookie's recent sentiments I know.
And I just gave her a reply to her most recent post also. Go have a look in case you are interested in what it stirred up in me and the suggestions that I tossed her way.
The MALE POV. I decided to be the spokesperson for us guys in that case. Guys rule!! LOL ....still trying to figure out what we rule ..but we rule.
LOL
May the Holy Spirit fill you and guide you that a pureness may manifest itself with you and take the form of a smile.
). I wish I could be happy at noone's expense.