I was reading SC's post of last night. I could have written that post. Our lives don't have many similarities but our paths brought us to a point where we doubt where we should be and what we should do now.
Last nights' discussion with H was a breakthrough moment for me. Last night I didn't sleep, I was trying to figure out what I want and need and what I can live with/without.
I know now what is wrong and it isn't related only with my H's inability to act as a man in love. It also has to do with me and the fact that it is too late in so many ways.
The ideal outcome would be to create a good R with my H and live a happy life with our kids. Happy, content, fun, exciting, interesting...
I am not sure that is possible anymore. Because my heart is gone. I can still see he is a good man, I care for him, I can still see my responsibilities/blame for our current situation but I don't know if what I feel can change. I am not in love with him. He is close to me, familiar, I know him, we have our kids together, history, but I can see no future. I tried to do the right thing, I still try but it's getting harder everyday. I feel trapped. No matter what any of you will say, I can't ignore the fact that what I feel is only able to maintain a friendship with him, not an emotional relationship between a man and a woman.
I can't explain this but somehow I feel like a young person full with ambitions, eager to live life as good as I can and the prospect of living with H kills all the desires and dreams. It is what SC says, I need someone to put energy in this R, not someone that sucks energy from me. I need to feel provoked, motivated, I need to feel my partner in life makes me want to be a better person. He doesn't have that effect on me.
It saddens me, I am not Ok with it. I can't say I am. I am unhappy even wit the potential we have. I feel guilty towards him now. I feel I push him to do the right thing although I know that even if he does, he will not be able to "touch" me.
I wish I could just say "it's over", move on, and know that he, the kids and I will be alright. That my parents will not torture me for the rest of my life about this decision (I hope I don't shock you ). I wish I could be happy at noone's expense.
Tomorrow I am meeting my C. I think I will tell her everything and ask for help. I seriously doubt the "love is a choice" theory. And if any of you guys want to know how WASs feel, ask me... I have gained clarity about my H's actions before and during the bomb through what I feel now. I understand him.
I want to sit with him, hold him and cry and tell him, "I am sorry darling, we f@cked up, this is over, we missed the chance, the time, we broke the glass and the glass can't be glued back together again...".
Am I first!? Ahhh.. morning (afternoon!). I'm sorry this is so hard, that you feel trapped. I know I keep banging on about it, but this is a big week you know! Venus conjoins Uranus (planet of change) and the eclipse and all that, change is inevitable, somewhere, somthing has to shift, its about letting go of something, or an R changing. I have no idea how this is going to play out!! Dont ask me...
And although you said that you couldnt, you described this beautifully.."I can't explain this but somehow I feel like a young person full with ambitions, eager to live life as good as I can and the prospect of living with H kills all the desires and dreams. It is what SC says, I need someone to put energy in this R, not someone that sucks energy from me. I need to feel provoked, motivated, I need to feel my partner in life makes me want to be a better person. He doesn't have that effect."
I understand what you mean.. you want the person who loves you to see the best in you, want the best for you, push you to be the best for yourself, to be accepting, encouraging, expand your dreams, not quash them. I get it. Perhaps thats him, or maybe this focus on work has made him lose sight of how to live.
So that last line.. do you mean that? You already think its too late?
It seems to me that most of us came here a bit idealistic regarding marriage. For many, we were seeing our first marriage coming to an end, and it was a frightening, life-changing experience.
In our minds view, marriage did not end. "Till death do us part," and all that.
We came here astonished that here was our spouse, seemingly so willing to just walk away from the promises we had made to each other. Here was our spouse backing out on the promises of "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health." In our minds, this should never happen.
Some come here with religious beliefs that preclude divorce except for only the most grievous of situations, and some not even then.
Others simply had a world view of marriage that it should be a lifetime commitment, that there would be ups and downs that would be weathered by the lifelong promises we made to each other.
As we make our way through each of our individual situations, we change. The truth is that we have no choice but to change, and we have our spouses to thank for that, in large part at least.
We know we've made it to the other side of our crisis when we no longer think that our life has ended with the absence of our spouse. We know we've made it when we can look back honestly on our years of marriage and see, perhaps for the first time, both the good and the bad that we shared together.
Then something radical happens.
Our spouse decides to re-enter our lives again.
Yes, damage has been done. But I do honestly believe that damage can be healed in just about every situation if both husband and wife are committed to seeing it healed.
Our changes are more difficult to address.
Kalni, I think this is the point where you are now. I think you have changed, and you have looked back on your relationship with your husband in light of these changes and said to yourself, "What we had was not good enough, and I didn't realize it."
I am of the belief that marriage should never be ended except for abandonment and infidelity on the part of the other spouse. This is just MY personal conviction, not one that I know all people share.
Your husband said some good things yesterday. For the first time I read words from him that sounded right. He said things about a path that I could see being the right one for the two of you.
Now, whether or not he is willing to ACT on these words is another issue. His performance these past three months is beyond disappointing. But it is encouraging that the words at least peeked out a bit in your conversation with him yesterday. Again, the proof is in the actions, not the words. And I am still not buying in to the "I'm afraid, I'm paralyzed" routine. Any grown man knows better.
It sounds like you are at the crossroads.
My heart tells me that you should not quit at this point.
At the same time, having gone through my own marital crisis and survived, I can understand now why you would want to.
You cannot predict the future. No one knows what another person is capable of when they are truly committed. Without my ex-wife's leaving, I would perhaps never have looked inside of myself and made the changes that I have made to me. I am a different man, in part because the threat of losing my marriage served notice to me of the severity of need for change.
Your husband is capable of this too. And unfortunately, only time and his actions would tell.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I was reading SC's post of last night. I could have written that post. Our lives don't have many similarities but our paths brought us to a point where we doubt where we should be and what we should do now.
Last nights' discussion with H was a breakthrough moment for me. Last night I didn't sleep, I was trying to figure out what I want and need and what I can live with/without.
I know now what is wrong and it isn't related only with my H's inability to act as a man in love. It also has to do with me and the fact that it is too late in so many ways.
The ideal outcome would be to create a good R with my H and live a happy life with our kids. Happy, content, fun, exciting, interesting...
I am not sure that is possible anymore. Because my heart is gone. I can still see he is a good man, I care for him, I can still see my responsibilities/blame for our current situation but I don't know if what I feel can change. I am not in love with him. He is close to me, familiar, I know him, we have our kids together, history, but I can see no future. I tried to do the right thing, I still try but it's getting harder everyday. I feel trapped. No matter what any of you will say, I can't ignore the fact that what I feel is only able to maintain a friendship with him, not an emotional relationship between a man and a woman.
I can't explain this but somehow I feel like a young person full with ambitions, eager to live life as good as I can and the prospect of living with H kills all the desires and dreams. It is what SC says, I need someone to put energy in this R, not someone that sucks energy from me. I need to feel provoked, motivated, I need to feel my partner in life makes me want to be a better person. He doesn't have that effect on me.
It saddens me, I am not Ok with it. I can't say I am. I am unhappy even wit the potential we have. I feel guilty towards him now. I feel I push him to do the right thing although I know that even if he does, he will not be able to "touch" me.
I wish I could just say "it's over", move on, and know that he, the kids and I will be alright. That my parents will not torture me for the rest of my life about this decision (I hope I don't shock you ). I wish I could be happy at noone's expense.
Tomorrow I am meeting my C. I think I will tell her everything and ask for help. I seriously doubt the "love is a choice" theory. And if any of you guys want to know how WASs feel, ask me... I have gained clarity about my H's actions before and during the bomb through what I feel now. I understand him.
I want to sit with him, hold him and cry and tell him, "I am sorry darling, we f@cked up, this is over, we missed the chance, the time, we broke the glass and the glass can't be glued back together again...".
Hi K
I hope you are smiling miss sunshine
You felt a pull towards cookie's recent sentiments I know.
And I just gave her a reply to her most recent post also. Go have a look in case you are interested in what it stirred up in me and the suggestions that I tossed her way.
The MALE POV. I decided to be the spokesperson for us guys in that case. Guys rule!! LOL ....still trying to figure out what we rule ..but we rule.
LOL
May the Holy Spirit fill you and guide you that a pureness may manifest itself with you and take the form of a smile.
(((((Sunshine))))) I can't believe I have been posting longer than you although you have posted so much more. I understand everything you are saying as if once again you are speaking for me. I think we both need someone to love us who will let us live. It is hard to say if our Hs could ever do both.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
Wow one year.. I swear it feels like so much more.... Just got caught up...I told you a while ago that you had the insight of how a WAW feels. I really felt your last post...maybe because I have not been on for a few days. Anyhow, I feel closer to you than my own sister. All I wish for you is happiness and some relief. I am sure all your loved ones (including your parents) want the same...your well being. Stop torturing yourself Maria. You are a good person...a caring person. You did not initiate all this. You did nothing wrong. Don't know what else to say...other than sleep tight. un abbracio fortissimo!
Hiya! Our stars as so cool for tommorow! Its the dawning of a new era..
For January 21: You start thinking about ways to make a goal actually happen. Instead of spinning around, staying as busy as possible in order to avoid certain people or circumstances, you stop and shift gears. You no longer feel defensive, helpless or angry. You no longer feel frustrated. In fact, you feel pretty confident and in control of a situation that had bothered and annoyed you for ages. Now you can look at it with wisdom and detachment. What an enormous difference this makes - it's like being set free. And maybe that's exactly what is occurring right now - you're rediscovering your purpose, your importance and your very specific priorities. This time, your priorities come before anyone else's. That is real progress.
..lets hope that one comes true !! I'm still looking forward to the Venus/Uranus conjunction Thursday, if you CAN look forward to abstract mathematical planetary alignments that is. Later, aligator.
I always watch the titles. Sometimes.. they are misleading.. other times.. they are spot on.
They all say something.
"I was reading SC's post of last night."
This concerned me some.
"I could have written that post."
I have not read it. I am having a hard enough time.. just keeping up with you.
"Our lives don't have many similarities but our paths brought us to a point where we doubt where we should be and what we should do now."
The simple look at that.. says there is more than meets the eye.. when you really look at it. Lots of different things can happen.. but we are all left with similar thoughts. People are people.. the Emotions are the same.. even if they come from different circumstances.
The path.. really has nothing to do with the result.
"I know now what is wrong and it isn't related only with my H's inability to act as a man in love. It also has to do with me and the fact that it is too late in so many ways."
So quit. Why did you even try.. if it was too late? It sounds and looks like a exercise in futility to me. And.. what you have written.. and how you are reacting.. just proves the point.
Bill once said to me.. he did not fully believe the power of "you".. or what others can see.
They can.. it is as simple as that. You as a person can change things to be what you want it to be.. but you have to do it 100%. Any doubt will set you up to fail. This I am 110% sure on.
Is what you want just gonna fall at your feet? No.
It is that pointed position that is gonna work. If he wants to follow he will. If he does not.. he won't.
Are you gonna look like a ass if it fails.. yes.
Are you gonna be hurt?... yes.
Who cares.
If all of this is worth it.. DO IT.
If not.. STOP.
I posed a "crazy" situation to Ian.. involving jumping from a plane.
I was never the one that was gonna jump. I did not have a parachute on. If he traded with me he was surely not gonna make it. Logical people don't jump from 40,000 feet.. cause chances are.. you are gonna fail. You have to overcome a lot of "things" in order to win in that jump. The "Crazy" part comes in with.. it takes a lot of "people" to win in that jump. It can be done.. it has been done... by very few people.
"The ideal outcome would be to create a good R with my H and live a happy life with our kids. Happy, content, fun, exciting, interesting..."
What do you have to give up.. to make that happen? What happens if you give the right thing.. at the right time?
"I am not sure that is possible anymore. Because my heart is gone."
"I wish I could just say "it's over", move on, and know that he, the kids and I will be alright."
I challenge you tonight/this morning. Just do it. Just start pushing forward. He does not factor into this.. he left. Lets do this. Lets get it over. You deserve better. NO sarcasm at all.
"I want to sit with him, hold him and cry and tell him, "I am sorry darling, we f@cked up, this is over, we missed the chance, the time, we broke the glass and the glass can't be glued back together again..."
It was never my intention for you to glue back what you had. You are simply choosing a new glass.. that is much better than the one you had. Someone will have to lead.. and select a glass.
Pay attention.. to who follows.
All I gotta say is.. it sucks to be you.
But you got a lot of people "pushing".. for you to be you. I am gonna be your biggest cheerleader. And I am gonna fight off the "nasty".
No DQ. Cause that makes people unhappy... and tends to offend.
You gotta choose.
And lead the way.
Good Night.. and Good Morning.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
). I wish I could be happy at noone's expense.