It seems to me that most of us came here a bit idealistic regarding marriage. For many, we were seeing our first marriage coming to an end, and it was a frightening, life-changing experience.
In our minds view, marriage did not end. "Till death do us part," and all that.
We came here astonished that here was our spouse, seemingly so willing to just walk away from the promises we had made to each other. Here was our spouse backing out on the promises of "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health." In our minds, this should never happen.
Some come here with religious beliefs that preclude divorce except for only the most grievous of situations, and some not even then.
Others simply had a world view of marriage that it should be a lifetime commitment, that there would be ups and downs that would be weathered by the lifelong promises we made to each other.
As we make our way through each of our individual situations, we change. The truth is that we have no choice but to change, and we have our spouses to thank for that, in large part at least.
We know we've made it to the other side of our crisis when we no longer think that our life has ended with the absence of our spouse. We know we've made it when we can look back honestly on our years of marriage and see, perhaps for the first time, both the good and the bad that we shared together.
Then something radical happens.
Our spouse decides to re-enter our lives again.
Yes, damage has been done. But I do honestly believe that damage can be healed in just about every situation if both husband and wife are committed to seeing it healed.
Our changes are more difficult to address.
Kalni, I think this is the point where you are now. I think you have changed, and you have looked back on your relationship with your husband in light of these changes and said to yourself, "What we had was not good enough, and I didn't realize it."
I am of the belief that marriage should never be ended except for abandonment and infidelity on the part of the other spouse. This is just MY personal conviction, not one that I know all people share.
Your husband said some good things yesterday. For the first time I read words from him that sounded right. He said things about a path that I could see being the right one for the two of you.
Now, whether or not he is willing to ACT on these words is another issue. His performance these past three months is beyond disappointing. But it is encouraging that the words at least peeked out a bit in your conversation with him yesterday. Again, the proof is in the actions, not the words. And I am still not buying in to the "I'm afraid, I'm paralyzed" routine. Any grown man knows better.
It sounds like you are at the crossroads.
My heart tells me that you should not quit at this point.
At the same time, having gone through my own marital crisis and survived, I can understand now why you would want to.
You cannot predict the future. No one knows what another person is capable of when they are truly committed. Without my ex-wife's leaving, I would perhaps never have looked inside of myself and made the changes that I have made to me. I am a different man, in part because the threat of losing my marriage served notice to me of the severity of need for change.
Your husband is capable of this too. And unfortunately, only time and his actions would tell.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
