I've been at this for this long, I don't think waiting another month to month and a half is going to matter much. I just won't dump something like this on her while she's so busy/involved in this situation at work. Just won't do it. It's not who I am. I know others might and I completely respect if they would, but I won't do it.
I understand what you're saying about calling her on the disrespectful stuff when it happens.
I just don't know if I can change who I am. I would NEVER not ask someone who was in my house, I don't care who they are, if they wanted a coffee, etc if I was going to stop and pick one up. Just can't do it.
And I have full confidence she'll sleep in the bed once it comes. She's made a couple comments recently about wondering how much longer it will be before it shows up. And when we're out of town, there is no hesitation in her sleeping in bed with me, so I would get the shock of my life if she didn't sleep in the new bed when it gets here. Especially since it was her idea to get the new bed in the first place. Kind of makes me think she wants to sleep in bed with me, but there's something that's keeping her from doing it. And I would bet my retirement that she and OM got cozy in our bed once or twice and now that freaks her out.
I'll throw something else out for everyone's fun. If I stop doing the little things for her and detach more than I have already, I can see my W thinking in her own mind, "see, I'm busting my butt trying to make this work and all I get is H4U withdrawing from me more. F him, I don't need him. This is the exact reason I had the A in the first place. He just doesn't understand me". Kind of along the lines WDID has been telling me she thinks is going on in W's head.
How do I reconcile that with what everyone is suggesting I do, which is go basically dim on her? Now before everyone gets in a tizzy and thinks I'm wimping out again, I'm not. Just a legitimate thought that goes through my mind after reading a number of the WAW threads.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I'll throw something else out for everyone's fun. If I stop doing the little things for her and detach more than I have already, I can see my W thinking in her own mind, "see, I'm busting my butt trying to make this work and all I get is H4U withdrawing from me more. F him, I don't need him. This is the exact reason I had the A in the first place. He just doesn't understand me". Kind of along the lines WDID has been telling me she thinks is going on in W's head.
I don't think this would happen.
Because people want what they perceive they can't have, and tend to take for granted the things that we perceive that we do.
I'm with Sandi....talk about the things as they happen...no big blow out.....save the BIG talk for after her work, if needed. WHo knows, maybe bringing up these little issues, it may make a huge difference. There is no use in waiting. THese are the little things that happen every day that is driving you nuts. The disrespectful tone she takes, the inconsiderate things she does/says. In fact, I know you have doen this in the past and she doesn't ever disagree. For example, you were at a restaurant and she talked snotty to you and you dropped your fork, apalled. She reacted by stopping and changing her behavior. Hope, I see so many things she is doing just from what you tell us. I don't think you are seeing them, though.
I don't want to say "little things" because having a wife disrespect their husband is big, but I hope you know what I mean. Then, the bed comes, and that will hopefully turn out good. So, then with the disrespectful things talked about, you can focus on getting your needs met concerning the affair. I know you said there were some unresolved issues you want to talk about to her, and you may want to have her go to Retrouvaille with you, or read books, etc. That, BIG TALK, can happen after.
I hope you noticed that WDID (who was a WAW) agreed with me (an AWAW), so maybe there is something to the way we females think? Maybe that is what you need to think about more than "who" you are right now. I do appreciate how considerate you are......believe me, I do. But, as I told you before, my H was/is also, but that did not change what "I" was doing. Do you see my point? Sometimes, we have to change some things about "us" in order to get our "spouse" to change toward us. Isn't that what DB is all about?
Okay, no more hashing it out. It is up to you. Just wish all the best for you. I always have.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
W and I went out for dinner. Had a nice time. Came home and had a nice evening.
But she NEVER even said "Happy Birthday". So about 10:00 I told her I was going to bed and she actually told me goodnight before I said it. And I walked out of the family room without saying anything, giving her one last chance to say something. NOTHING.
So I walked back into the family room and she looked at me and said "what"? I said "I think it's crap that you couldn't even say 'Happy Birthday' to me". I got a sarcastic "sorry" back. I turned around and went to bed. On the way I yelled down to the basement to S16 "goodnight". And he yelled back up, "good night Dad, Happy Birthday, I love you". Bout melted my heart.
So I went to bed and just laid there wondering what I'm even bothering for. She is so self absorbed it's truly f'ing stunning. And the way I feel right now, I'm ready to walk away. I know moods change and everything. But right now, I'm just ready to give up.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
You pointed it out and still didn't get one out of her??? What a selfish witch with a B!! Sorry, that just irks me. I truly believe it isn't ok anymore just"because that is how she is". Keep calling her on her "stuff" and see if that makes a change.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Yeah, that's crap. A sarcastic sorry is crap, too. But, keep at it. Keep calling her on it. She has been doing this for a long time and needs to know that you don't like it each and every time.
My first thought is that you could have talked more about it, but maybe it is a good first babystep to just mention it. I was thinking how you could have asked why she didn't. Get the real reason out there and talk about it. Her reason is probably she didn't think about it. That's where you can say, "I really would like it if you thought more about me and what would make me happy sometimes. Asking you to think about me makes me feel crappy, but you need to know that I feel like I'm not getting "anything"."
Yeah, that's crap. A sarcastic sorry is crap, too. But, keep at it. Keep calling her on it. She has been doing this for a long time and needs to know that you don't like it each and every time.
I think this is a realllly good approach for right now. If nothing else, the sheer accumulation of her self-centeredness might finally become apparent to her!
Thanks guys. Thing is, I just don't feel like doing "the plan" you've mentioned.
She is an adult. She made her choices. And I still need to point out to her how rude she's being? I need to point out to her how incredibly disrespectful it is for her to keep affair momento's?
Maybe I am stubborn like was pointed out ot me, but come on...
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
