I was reading SC's post of last night. I could have written that post. Our lives don't have many similarities but our paths brought us to a point where we doubt where we should be and what we should do now.
Last nights' discussion with H was a breakthrough moment for me. Last night I didn't sleep, I was trying to figure out what I want and need and what I can live with/without.
I know now what is wrong and it isn't related only with my H's inability to act as a man in love. It also has to do with me and the fact that it is too late in so many ways.
The ideal outcome would be to create a good R with my H and live a happy life with our kids. Happy, content, fun, exciting, interesting...
I am not sure that is possible anymore. Because my heart is gone. I can still see he is a good man, I care for him, I can still see my responsibilities/blame for our current situation but I don't know if what I feel can change. I am not in love with him. He is close to me, familiar, I know him, we have our kids together, history, but I can see no future. I tried to do the right thing, I still try but it's getting harder everyday. I feel trapped. No matter what any of you will say, I can't ignore the fact that what I feel is only able to maintain a friendship with him, not an emotional relationship between a man and a woman.
I can't explain this but somehow I feel like a young person full with ambitions, eager to live life as good as I can and the prospect of living with H kills all the desires and dreams. It is what SC says, I need someone to put energy in this R, not someone that sucks energy from me. I need to feel provoked, motivated, I need to feel my partner in life makes me want to be a better person. He doesn't have that effect on me.
It saddens me, I am not Ok with it. I can't say I am. I am unhappy even wit the potential we have. I feel guilty towards him now. I feel I push him to do the right thing although I know that even if he does, he will not be able to "touch" me.
I wish I could just say "it's over", move on, and know that he, the kids and I will be alright. That my parents will not torture me for the rest of my life about this decision (I hope I don't shock you ). I wish I could be happy at noone's expense.
Tomorrow I am meeting my C. I think I will tell her everything and ask for help. I seriously doubt the "love is a choice" theory. And if any of you guys want to know how WASs feel, ask me... I have gained clarity about my H's actions before and during the bomb through what I feel now. I understand him.
I want to sit with him, hold him and cry and tell him, "I am sorry darling, we f@cked up, this is over, we missed the chance, the time, we broke the glass and the glass can't be glued back together again...".
). I wish I could be happy at noone's expense.