I'm beginning to find that I'm in the wonderful ambivalent stage - and I am being very sarcastic in using the word wonderful, since there's nothing wonderful about not know whether or not I should bother loving a woman I cared enough about to marry four years ago.
But that's where I am...in the sea of ambivalence - utterly unsure of how to feel about B (that's how I'm referring to my wife now). I know about how I contributed to the demise of our M - and I know about the many things I had/have to work on toward becoming and being a better man...yes I find myself glancing back now and seeing so many of the things that pushed me away from her over the years and I hear myself saying that if she is unwilling to work on improving then there is no way I can be with her - none - I just can't be in a M with a woman that lies to me - that strays from our M - that treats my older son badly when he doesn't do what she wants - and who just can't seem to put her family first at all...
In other words...part of me just wants to call her up and ask her to start to divorce process...since I can't see much to work toward anymore - much to "fight" for - rather I think more and more in terms of my release from a person that maybe was too harmful for me - and a family of origin that was layered with too many dark and distressing issues...I don't mind extricating myself from her family at all...nor do I mind the idea of having our baby with me away from her family for at least some of his time as he's growing up - so that I can raise him with a calmer, safer, more loving environment...hm...as I write this stuff I find myself feeling less and less ambivalent and just want to be released from the whole thing...Makes me sad for my baby boy that he has to be part of her family...
