The unfaithful wife...that's me..

[alexjadams]

Mellenmack

And you will never see those rings again, lol
You think he's thinking clearly right now? Why not you see everything just fine right?
How did you see things when you were having you're a's? now that you see everything clear he should be on board or ship out, go ahead and threaten him then after that get you D attorney, because that's where you'll be

When you were the WAW having your affairs, he may have not been aware but in his heart he knew something was different, when you confirmed the A's he went back thought the time line in his mind and reprocessed it, now because you see the light he should just drop everything & just trust you right? That's funny lol

When you were having your fun, would you have responded to the same threats or ultimatum? Nope you would have gone right to the pawn shop with those rings huh? Nope you're such a better person then he is right?

Mel,

Get off your high horse! & go & get your big girl panties!! when you are a WAS you walked away, then you hook back up with him or w/ someone new, guess what you will be LBS that's how this works it all cycles the point to all this is let your H do what he is going to do, & take this time to work on you, he's going to come back it's just how long do you want to wait, 6 months, 10 years? There is a woman story on these boards that was LBS & her H just left her she was destroyed, and eventually move on & remarried guess who reappeared to apologize about what he have done it took 10 years for that couple, but it always happens

Why because we grow, become wiser and learn that life cycles (sometimes your up & sometimes your down) just hang on because your ups will come & so will the lows you just have to stay the course

You have been disconnected from your marriage for how long? At least 7 years, wow & now that you have had your 7 year hiatus he gets 3 months & 3 "extra" months to deal w/ your affairs & that should be enough time, you had 7 years vs. his 6 months?? That's fair?

For him to come through this it will take him at least 4 years I think thatss the least you could do since he spent 7 with a wife who wasn't really there

And BTW he's nor the only drama queen!!

[K4D]

Hi Alex,

I understand what you are saying and I agree it take time. And I am not recommending she divorce him and she isn't either. She is just asking him to make some decisions. I don't think its good for him to continue drinking, watching porn and being with OW while trying to fix things. I think those things need to be fixed first. But I also don't think she should let him draw her in to arguements. That is just him trying to control the situation in an unhealthy manner.

I think she should just stay dark and not respond now. I think he will think more clearly once he eliminates the drinking, porn, and OW. But how can he think clearly while in that situation? It might take 10 years. I don't know.

In my case, I can't get remarried do to my beliefs about what the bible says, so if it takes my W 10 years, I'll have to wait. And that is very hard to accept. But I don't have a choice.

I do think with what she has told him though that he has something to think about. She hasn't told him to get over the A. She has simply told him to shape up his life. He may never get over the A and thats probably normal. But how he goes about handling it is unhealthy right now. There are other ways of dealing with the pain of it than his current process.

I'm not judging the guy, I'm just saying he needs to do some things to get a clear mind first. Once he does that there are healthier ways to get over it and repair feelings and the marriage.

For what its worth,

Kevin

[alexjadams]

you must be a cowboy fan lol

I'm basically saying that she didn't do the healthy thing in having 2 A's (BTW the 2nd one was just last year, in is mind he maybe thinking, ok sure I'm going to trust her) she reacts to pain by disrespecting herself with misplacing sex for love, he drinks, porn & has an OW (which is something they have in common) all I'm saying is they both handled this whole thing wrong but she has no right to sit on a high horse?? WTF? Check your ego darling, because it's that mind set that got you here

She needs to take this time to fix her; he is going to do whatever it is he wants to do! (Just like she did) & there is nothing she can do; don't you think when she was having the time of her life he wished that she would handle this a bit healthier??

[K4D]

I don't think she is on a high horse. I think she just wants her marriage and family fixed. I think she is trying to fix herself. But I think her H has had these issues for years from what I have been reading and her A's were a direct result of it. I'm not justifying the A's, I just think she reacted to what he was doing for years.

I don't blame my wife for seeing another guy. I think she was reacting to me handling things poorly. Does it hurt, yes, very much so. But my marriage is more important to keep going than to dwell on something in the past that could further tear us apart. I wish my W would see it the same way. Right now, she doesn't.

Kevin

[Mellenmack]

Thanks, Kevin, I appreciate the support.

Alex, I am not on my high horse. I do not feel like he should just forgive me and get over it. You might want to reread this stitch from beginning to end and maybe check out the thread in Newcomer's which is now several pages back. It might give you a little clearer picture.

We have been married 13.5 years. The first A only occured 3.5 years ago, not seven. The second was this past year. Both were primarily EAs that did turn physical. What drove me to it is the competition with alcohol. I was pregnant when we got married and I was told several times that he only married me because I was pregnant. (A great way to convince your wife that you love her, don't you think?) Years of coming home drunk reinforced the belief that he didn't really love me because he had to get plastered to be able to come home and "deal with me and a newborn kid."

But I digress. Like I said, the rest of the stitch is in Newcomer's. There is no excuse for having the As. I completely and totally understand and agree with that. However, As happen for a reason. They happen because somebody is not getting what they need from the other person. How many times do you have to beg someone to come home? How many times do you have to clean their puke off the walls? How many times do you have to be told you're crazy, that the alcohol problems are all in your head before you start to look for something "normal"?

Did I handle it wrong? He!! yes. Could I have handled it better? Obviously. But I'm handling it better now. I did not give him an ultimatum. He has the same choice he has always had. I didn't threaten to take anything away from him. The rings did mean something to me. I've been wearing them for the last 1.5 months. But they are his to do with whatever now. He won't pawn them. I wouldn't have either. He will either save them for D4 or give them back. It's his decision.

If you knew the stitch, you would know there are no lawyers involved and there won't be any lawyers involved. We have both agreed to do this amicably.

Good luck to you.

Mel

[alexjadams]

Dude

She had that chance (we all did!!!); she could have fixed it before she broke it!!, like your wife, my wife, & Mellenmack. "I think she was reacting to me handling things poorly"
What do you think her husband is doing???? Reacting to her handling things poorly, he's in pain, he's acting out, he needs a friend not a unfaithful wife who wants him to grow in 6 months what took her to do in 7 years, that's not right

I did over 8 years of damage to my wife & you know what, we are in year 3 just after the EA/PA I at least owe her that time.

She can't undo the years of pain she has went through in 6 months & the growth she has seen in 7 years can't be done in 6 months.
do me a favor take a gallon of water & make it fit into 22oz cup, wait.... what's the problem? why can't that be done???

[Mellenmack]

Alex,

Do me a favor. Don't post to my thread anymore. I am happy to accept criticism. I will not accept you being a horse's butt. Find somewhere else to be.

Mel

[alexjadams]

Mellenmack

At some point you checked out of the marriage (mentally & emotionally), most people check out 2-3 years right before they have an A (right about 7 huh?)

His drinking, is his issue & if you would for a moment stop thinking everything was about you "A great way to convince your wife that you love her, don't you think?" you would have saw he had demons that, when he is ready he will need your support to deal with that issue (So by what you are saying is the only reason he drank was because you & your newborn child? Not the stress at work or a significant life change, people do things like this not because of one thing it's usually a number of things)

You know my wife said some mean things to me, as I did the same to her & some of those things hurt me to the core, but you need to love yourself first (I had to learn this the hard way) We did this before & after the PA's & you know what I know deep down in her heart she still loves me (I guess you were able to keep your thoughts to yourself)

May I remind you, you took a oath "in sickness & heath till death do you part" any of that sound familiar? I mean you did that, you agreed to those terms as did he & when you were beggin & cleaning puke he was in that whole "sickness" part, but because you got tired because you cleaned up puke for the 232,419 time, that's it you have had enough right, how do you know if you would have cleaned it 232,420 time he would have change you don't neither do I

But that's what we do with love, we make it conditional, if you do these things too many times I gone!! That's the worse love, you did it, he did it, I did & so has my wife, we all have, guess what that isn't love, not real love, don't believe me?? If you child murdered another human being would you stop loving then? NO! But why do you get to turn off that love for your husband? Oh that's different, he's not my child! Oh just the man who helped you make then child that's all, that's the one thing that I can never do no matter what happens I will always love my wife she is the mother of my children!

My wife's family, it seems everyone who has died, has died of cancer, & you know what if that road comes upon us guess where I'll be by her bedside!! (Yes I can say that because when someone rips your heart out as we did to each other & the growth I was forced to endure, you realize that one's character is all that counts) I rather be the fool who sat at my cheating wife's bedside then to be the husband who wasn't there when she needed me the most, & that's what I did & will not ever do it again to her, or my next wife if I am so lucky for someone to want to be with me in that capacity ever again!

But wait there is a whole bunch of well adjusted people just willing to marry us because we are such great people

Hey in those affairs did you find something normal?? No because we are all dealing with issues EVERYONE IS!!!

You need to wear your ring, that's it that's the bottom line with that because when he comes back (and he will) he will most likey say "it's because you never stopped wearing my ring" it's the little things we cling on to in situations like this

[Purple]

Mel,

I agree with Kevin. Keep your chin up.

As for 'other posters' take what you need and leave the rest behind. Some is useful, some is not.

[alexjadams]

i can only give you the truth, i can't make you believe it

i hope the 2 of you learn to forgive & accept each other & the flaws that comes with....

good bye