Not that I recommend this. But a friend of mine had an affair. She confessed to her husband and gave him the ultimatum. He could either forgive her and they reunite and her never to be made to feel guilty about it, or he could divorce her. This way it at least cleared her mind of feeling guilty and he had a choice to fix the marriage and make it better or move on.
Sounds kind of harsh. But it forces him to make a decision. Does he love you or not. Is he going to stick by you and move ahead with you or move on.
I think right now he is feeling vengeful and the alcohol as I know from my own personal experiance greatly warps your point of view and whats important to you. I realized once I quit drinking just how important my wife and kids were to me and I am still fighting for dear life to keep my W from walking even though I have successfully quit and done things she has asked.
My wife was seeing another guy and I forgave her. I wish my W had your convictions of trying to fix things after seeing changes.
In all honesty, as long as he is drinking like a fish and watching porn and hanging with OW, you don't want him around you and your daughter anyways. You want your marriage fixed, but it can't be fixed until he works on himself and right now, he is not willing to do that. The best thing you can do is hang back, be there for your daughter, go to church, stay involved at church and pray that he straightens up his life so that he can realize what is important to him. He can't see it until he comes out of this lifestyle. Once he does, he will be able to see it.
I was.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I've thought about that, too, Breakaway, but then I get it thrown in my face that I'm just a roller coaster ride and that if that's how it is now, he doesn't want to do it anymore. Or I'm accused of not wanting to be friends or doing what's in the best interest of the kids. It seems like a no-win stitch, no matter what.
Of course it's a no-win sitch. It's a no-win sitch by design. It's called the double-bind. Nothing you do will be "correct." It's a hallmark of emotional controllers. And of people looking for excuses for bad behavior, playing hurt/martyr/victim.
So you do what's good for you. Expect recriminations. You're going to get them whether you do what he wants or what you need. So do what you need.
I get what you're saying kevin, but I think Mel needs to get a little stronger before trying to go up against all this and making ultimatums. Just my 2c...and that's not a bad idea for the future, IMHO.
Advice is easier to give than take I guess. I struggle with the same thing. My wife is now the drinker since I quit and she is against any form or religion or advice that preaches keeping your marriage and family together. Of course alot of this is because of her female best friend that is as stubborn and dim witted as a mule. My W has even acknowledged this over the years, but has now taken on everything she says. Its like they pull their beliefs out of the air and thats the way it is. And they stick by it. I'm up against double and triple forces, not just my W. Everything I do or say, my W's best friend comes back with something against me to my W. I can't win.
Anyways, this isn't my blog. But yes, perhaps good advice for down the road.
I have to go see my W's attorney with her in 2 hours. Would you believe its the same attorney my W's best friend used? It is.
Unreal. I'm very depressed.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
well, kev, you win. sort of. i came home from the dentist and wrote him a letter. i told him what I wanted. i told him how I felt. I told him that i feel like i have done everything in my power at this point to show him i want the marriage to work. but that i feel like he didn't want it to work. i told him that i realized that i was willing to take whatever he wanted to put out just as an effort to make it work. and that that's not fair. that yes, i had an affair, but it doesn't mean he gets to use it against me for the rest of my life. i told him that i want us to stay married. i want us to be better to each other. i told him that i always felt like i had to compete with the alcohol and even told him, what does it say that i was willing to put up with whatever to get him back? told him that i need him to get her out of that house if we are going to work on the marriage. that i won't compete with the alcohol. and that i am still willing to work on it if he wants to. but that if those three things weren't going to happen, then he might as well go ahead and file for D because those things are things he should know the answer to right now. told him i'm not mad. told him i'm not angry and that i'm sure he would have some things to reply to and that's fine. hopefully it will at least get him to think. and then in a few weeks i will try something else. but i am NOT going to let him push me around or put the marriage on the back burner anymore.
He's had 6 months of us being separated and 3 months of knowing about the affairs to sit and stew about whether he can deal or not and enough is enough. i will make it clear that i am not going to pay for the A's anymore than I expect him to pay for the drinking. But dang! Most people know, I think, whether they are willing to work or not. It's pretty simple, really. "To make this marriage work, are you willing to do anything???"
And now I have a killer headache. I put the rings in with the letter and will deliver it to him when he brings D4 back. We'll see.
I do feel better, Kev. I know this is right because I know I deserve better than putting up with this type of stuff for the rest of my life. I'm shaky. But I'm good. By stepping out of the cycle, I'm ending it. He can keep on with her, but it's not going to affect me anymore.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
Well, I can't say it worked "for" me, but at least I pushed him a little. He still wants the D, doesn't see another way, says he has forgiven me, but can't imagine me with other men, and just basically says he'll never love anyone again. Oh, and did I mention that I found out that OW will be living there until July???!! Interesting, isn't it?? So that's fine. He's not willing to work and he's not willing to try. He's not willing to recognize that he played a part in me looking outside the M, even though I know ultimately it was my decision. He's just going to sit and wallow.
And I am going to let him!
H: "Well what do you want me to do with these rings?" Me: "I want you to come put them back on my fingers. But if that's not going to happen, I really don't care." H: "You're being hateful." Me: "That's not being hateful. I'm just saying they are yours to do with what you want. It's up to you."
I am expecting him to make some progress on the paperwork within the next two weeks. He doesn't want things to get "weird" between us. Okay. Define weird. Arguing, hateful, spiteful. Have I been those things? No? Okay. But us texting everyday and saying goodnight and calling whenever and emailing whenever is going to stop. Because eventually he will marry someone else as will I. And we can't be married to other people and still communicate the way we do. So I told him "Only to discuss the kids." And he says "Now you're being hateful and things are getting weird." I wanted to scream!!! You want to be best buds, but you don't want to have a marriage?? Let's talk about weird!!
I do feel better. We got a lot of things on the table. He says he forgives me but I think it is just lip service because right after that he tells me he cannot imagine me with other guys. Okay, I get that it's hard. I'm not taking anything away from his feelings. But at the same time, I let him know that it's HIS choice, and not MY fault anymore. My actions may have put us in this stitch, but it's HIS choice on how to react, feel, and handle the stitch. It's HIS choice to not work on the marriage. It's HIS choice to be where he is. Not mine anymore.
And he was mad at me for stopping and talking to his Mom. I think mostly because we talked a little about OW and she let him know how she felt. And she let him know that she wants him to try. All of his family elders do. So he knows what he *should* do, he's choosing not to. It's ten times easier to just cut the strings than it is to fight for the marriage.
Thanks for listening to me vent. I feel better. I feel stronger knowing where I stand and that he knows that I know where it stands now. That it is HIS choice and I will not beg or plead and that I will not continue to be his best bud.
Love ya'll.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
Awesome Mel...I know you're feeling bad, but I can see you taking control of your life back. And that's the only way things are going to get better...either with him or without him. I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself.
Quote:
And we can't be married to other people and still communicate the way we do. So I told him "Only to discuss the kids." And he says "Now you're being hateful and things are getting weird." I wanted to scream!!! You want to be best buds, but you don't want to have a marriage?? Let's talk about weird!!
And that's right...not giving in to his childishness is not being hateful. I find it interesting that he reacted this way. He is upset about losing his control over you. Hopefully this will wake him up. If it doesn't, well, at least he doesn't have control over you.
I think its working. Now sit back, keep dark, and see what he does. Don't continue to argue and don't respond back to any arguements he tries to make against you. Just stay dark. If he communicates about your daughter, answer and keep it short.
The more dark you stay now, the more likely he is going to keep thinking and possibly rethink his situation now that you have said what you have said. If you let him draw you into an arguement now, you won't make the progress you are wanting to make. Don't defend yourself now and just plain don't respond to any accusations. He might just come around when he realizes he can't pull you into his control anymore. I'm quite sure its going to dawn on him that he has lost control of the situation and the only way he can get things back with you is if he shapes up.
It will be tempting to respond. DON'T. You are letting him have control of the situation if you do. Keep the strength up. You are doing good. Remember, your ultimate goal is to win him back and that is noble. But also remember, he has to change in order to make this work. And by that I mean, drinking is gone, porn is gone and OW is gone. Just play it cool now. Keep in mind, you are doing this for you and your daughter. He has the potential to be a good husband and father, he just needs to find it in himself and you are providing the path for him.
Praying for the best,
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Geez, I wish my W would let me show her my potential now that I have cleaned up my act.
Again, Mel, he is lucky to have you. I hope he realizes it before its to late.
Oddly enough, my W's name is Mel to. But she is not quite as forgiving as you are at this time.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
