Post Finale

[frank_D]

Then she said "I would like your opinion"

I thought an ugly scene was about to happen but instead she went on to say she was offered a different position at work and what did I think.

I always was her sounding board for her career. So I listened, validated, and offered suggestions, without *fixing* it. She seemed pleased and treated me better until we departed. She even mentioned working on her resume - I always helped. I almost felt she was going to ask me to proof read it - but she did not.

Wow. Just Wow. You were the alpha male, the 'man' in this.

You put aside all the crap and treated her like you might treat someone on 'the street'. as in 'What Would Jesus Do?'

I hope I can get to the same point you are at soon.

you didn't fix things, you were just being a good man. Treating her like you might treat someone on the street.

Strength and Honor.

[faithisbelieving]

Ditto. WTG. You enforced a NUT. A BetterMan indeed. FIB

[BaseballMyFanny]

SO, Saturday night three cute chicks were hanging in the Big Apple, drinking <lots> and talking about, what else, men...

Were your ears ringing, palms itching, whatever body part is s'posed to twitch when you're the topic of such chat???

[Jeff223]

Gee BBA, I did feel something earlier this month. Never knew it was vibes from up north

Things are still great. I am in a great frame of mind it almost hurts. The job is better - same really but my outlook is better. And I am getting things done. Four more pounds on my diet and I will be at my better weight.

All in all good.

Attended another basketball game for S11. Former W there again. She was pleasant. Talked about her job with me again at length. I listened. I helped her carry in the snacks for the team after the game. She teared up some later - maybe b/c I was not the a-hole she thinks I am.

I thought things were going good with her until today.

A few weeks back she emailed me wanting to enroll the kids in Sunday School. She said "S11 asked me to ask you" if okay she took the kids on my weekends too. Makes me the bad guy if I say no. Seems kids are "embarassed" about missing every other week. She always said divorce was best, but now my kids are in shame?

I had stopped going to church at the latter stages of the divorce so I thought it would be good for the kids until I found my own church again. So I said okay - only a "few' hrs on Sunday morning said she.

Well the few hours start at 0900 and after school there is church, and after church there is chit-chat, and then she puts the KIDS on the phone so they can ask me if they can lunch with mom. How can I say no? Former W will not ask - just like she said "S11 asked me to ask you", making me the bad guy. So a "few" hrs go from 9:00 to almost 2:00. She steals half my day with the kids. Of course, it is not about her says she.

I let that pass for now but a few days back she emails about signing S11 up for baseball. Again I got the "S11 asked me to ask you" in so many words. Well, I am not crazy about the ball program here, my son could care less - it is a social event for him, nothing more - and I would lose half my Saturday too along with practice on the limited days I get them during the week.

So I said we will pass on baseball. I don't want to deny my son sports but there are other options and I feel time with dad is important. I get them less than 40% as it is and she never gives up any time.

She emails today saying she signed them up anyway. She says "this is a bigger issue than baseball and I see it growing as time goes by" referring to the fact that if I do not agree with her 100% where the kids are concerned I am being a bad parent. She even recommended we attend family counseling!

I was going to fire back an email but I am using the 48 hour before responding rule I learned here.

This is a boundary plain and simple. Our settlement agreement prohibits signing the kids up for things on the other parent's time. It also forbids denying the other parent time with the kids. So, I will call her on it.

I will also say to her that it seems to me she is trying to take the kids on my time and that "THAT is the bigger issue than baseball and I see THIS growing as time goes by".

Her whole life continues to be the kids. She is even willing to change jobs so she does not have to travel. Not healthy all around. I cannot stop that, but I can be the father and roll model my kids need.

But now she misses the kids so much she is using outside activites to try to be with them. At my expense. She even called frantically last Friday insisting it was her weekend with the kids. It was the fifth Friday of the month and we alternate those months (I get the first and third weekends each month and every other fifth). I had to calmly explain that last time in Oct it was her time - now it was mine. She hung up the phone.

Maybe I am wrong here? But where does it stop? Does she sign them up for everything in sight and I have no time one-on-one with my kids?

I want to do what is best for the kids, and me. There are many alternatives here for the kids. But to use them to "ask me" is wrong. Placing them in the middle is wrong. Placing me in the position of bad guy is wrong. I really feel she is manipulating this for her own selfish lonely reasons.

Should I tell her all this or just say no?

[frank_D]

I would tell her. Then she will 'know' the reasons.

[25yearsmlc]

go to the damn counselling and calmly say what you said here...and how she uses them to communicate things that should ONLY be discussed between adults and how she gives up none of her time with them...

Calmly say it the way you did here. Very clear to me that you have very valid concerns.
(( j ))

[saffie]

Jeff,

I know I don't usually post to you but something occurred to me when I read your post.

Does your son have an opinion on the baseball etc?

I can see why you don't like your W's tactics, and the way she just signed up for the activity is wrong, BUT maybe there is an underlying thing going on. Let me explain....

My parents split the day after my 8th birthday and my sister was 11.5 yrs old. To begin with we saw our dad at the specified times....but as time went on and things settled down and my sister and I felt secure again.....well then we started doing what kids do and wanted to hang out with our friends and unfotunately the best time for doing that was at the weekends, which was also our dad's time. Our friends all got together and hung out at the weekends and so if we missed doing that we were sort of left out. We would be completely clueless about things that would have happened on the weekends etc and we just felt slightly left out of our friendship groups.

It maybe that your children are saying to their mom that they want to do these things and be with their friends, but they don't want to hurt you and say it to you. She may be covering for them to try and soften the blow. It's not to do with not wanting to see your parent.....it's to do with growing up and wanting to be with your firends. Lets face it, when you are young you don't imagine a time when your parents won't be there at your beck and call. The children don't always understand what a big thing it is for the parents to see them. I mean, if you and your W were still together this wouldn't be an issue, as there wouldn't be such rigid time divisions and these things would flow naturally.

My dad found it very hard to cope with, but he did let go a bit and my mom accomodated him into different times of our week so it worked better for all of us. Sometimes these things just need a bit of tweaking.

If I have spoken out of turn as I don't know your whole history, I apologise.

[WCW]

She even recommended we attend family counseling!

There's your ticket. All aboard????

[frank_D]

go to the damn counselling and calmly say what you said here...and how she uses them to communicate things that should ONLY be discussed between adults and how she gives up none of her time with them...

Calmly say it the way you did here. Very clear to me that you have very valid concerns.
(( j ))

Yes Yes Yes!

[25yearsmlc]

good points Saff, food for thought for sure.

( j )