Our timelines are almost the same (my "bomb" was July 2005). My H calls regularly and hints about wanting to come home but, unlike your H, he never comes into the house. When he does come over (such as Christmas when he dropped the kids' Christmas gifts by) he left them in the garage. I walked out to say hi and he was so nervous, he was shaking. He left in a big hurry.
When he called two nights later, I asked him why he was always in such a rush to leave. He said that I made him nervous. I asked him why and he said that whenever he is here, he looks around and sees "his" stuff and remembers his "old life" and it is too much to bear.
Snodderly's comments about this process are so interesting and insightful. Maybe one (or both) of these guys is finally starting to wake up from their long MLC nap!
Isn't that interesting about them being nervous. I tend to think guilt plays a role in that feeling as well.
Will be interesting to see how long this part of the process lasts. I do tire of it all but at the same time, I am enjoying the peace and quiet of not having to be around the MLC stuff 24/7.
Of course when you have teenagers around, there is not much of a difference. At least they are not in a fog all the time-lol!
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I have a few questions for you, if you don't mind.
In reading what you wrote about my h this morning, do you really think he is that far along? I would think he is maybe in the replay/withdrawal stage(s) but since I am so close to the situation, maybe you see things or pick up on things I am unable to see.
Thanks!!
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
M, Your h is still in replay, but the depression is the dark one. His discussion w/his daughter about the past and him wanting to reconnect w/his father has brought him further along, which means he's moving at a snail's pace, but his further along than what you think.
When in the early stages of replay, they do not want to be reminded of their life, past or present. Your h is now taking a route down memory lane which should, at some point, bring him full circle back to the life he had w/you. The problem is guilt and shame for what he's done. He's afraid that he will not be the person you thought he was. He's afraid of being a complete failure in your eyes and in the eyes of his children. He's afraid of disappointing all of you, thus the comments about hurting someone. He's fragile and with that comes fear, fear of the unknown, fear of what your expectations will be.
M, he's got to finish up this journey and face all of those fears. I'm praying that the reconnection w/his father will help him over some of his hurdles.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The "old times" conversation he had with D16 focused on his life when he was younger as well as Christmases here with our immediate family, etc. D16 said the further they got into this conversation, he became very quiet and said he had to go, which he did.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I still am feeling wiped out from the major headache I had yesterday. My girls were being little pains, telling me how selfish I was and some other things. I ordered them out of my room and off the computer (in my room). D16 told me that she told her dad I was a you know what and she said he laughed. Not sure if she was telling the truth or joking.
Today will be a busy one--take D15 to school, run to the post office, grocery shopping, clean the house-been without a vacuum cleaner for over a week. You would think the local vacuum stores would have all the belts in the world for Dirt Devils but they don't so I had to order one online. I am feeling like my house is really dirty since I have not been able to vacuum.
And H is coming over today.
Not a good day--esp. if he starts in on how I make him nervous. I wanted to say if I were him and was cheating on my wife, yeah, I would be nervous also--of course I did not say that.
He can kiss me goodbye but make him nervous--I am too level-headed for child's play.
Braveheart:
I don't see how ow would be out of the picture at all. The last time he came home, almost one year ago, she pursued him and there it began again.
Only God can work this out, not me.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
MWG, that is exactly what I am talking about. As long as she is in the picture, he is going to have that pull from her. Is he strong enough to totally break away from her? I'm not sure, it certainly seems like you have made excellent progress, I credit that to your tougher positions on things. Tough love is sometimes the best way to go.
