Why does it concern you in the slightest WHAT your W thinks when you are out. The purpose of this 'club' is to encourage you to keep away from contact like that. In my opinion, it only serves to keep your W at the front of your mind.
Trick is, to go out, have a great time, tell no-one apart frm people on 'your' side and let it get back to W by other means. Much more effective. Not only have you kept her 'dark' but you haven't said ANYTHING to her. That will make her curious, not only where you went, but why you left her 'out of the loop'.
You really don't need to consider what they think about where you are, just go and GAL for YOU!
OK. that's my 2c.
I'm glad you have still got plenty of contact with D3. I understand that she will nod at the phone, bless her.
It must be hard, I don't need to contact W about anything, boys are grown up, 1 lives with me and the other on his own (but close to W so he can look after her)She lives 4 miles away and we work in different directions.
From my experience,now on day 8, i have found it easier to not think as time has passed. I too used to obsess about what W may be doing, now there is a small and I mean small part of me that just wonders. It goes away quickly though.
Have you tried saying STOP out loud to yourself when you get to thinking about him. If not try it. Maybe put an elastic band around your wrist and 'snapping' it when you start to think.
These 2 methods give you a mental (and physical) shock. Then you think about something else totally for a minute or 2, try just reading something, anything. You know that you CANNOT read any words without saying them to yourself in your head? It's true, so by reading a road sign, a book, a magazine, a truck, you force your mind to stop what it was doing and 'talk' to you. That worked for me.
Thank you. I thopught I was detaching months ago, uh-uh....Alot of what you are doing here, I have been doing but my detaching is getting better. I no longer think about what W is doing, where she is goijng , who she is with, its none of my damn business. I go out and leave it vague with my D17. When mom asks where I am she say sout, she asks out where, she says I don't know, when she asks with who, D17 throws up her arms and says call him yourself if your so concerned. Sweet. I am very dark to her, and at this point, content to do so. The whole being dark, nc and the whole deal logically doesn't make sense to get them tocome back, but then again they didn't leave with a whole lot of logic either. Let them miss what they had, let them wonder what we are doing and what we are thinking. It will take time, but they will do that. everyone hates to hear it. I wish my deal was done, but it ain't so onward and upward.
I am so sorry I am just responding, I only just saw your post moments ago. I will add this thread to those I check.
I am flattered that you would like my perspective. Not sure I have much good to offer but here's what I think, based on what you heard.
If your H is depressed, that may prevent him from initiating contact with you. Obviously, depression does not make one incapable of action, but it certainly decreases energy and motivation. Plus it sounds like he has a lot of guilt. WAS with guilt are not to likely to reach out first. My H needed a lot of soothing and I think still feels a lot of guilt.
One of the main lessons in DB is do more of what works and less of what doesn't. (One other thing, my coach has told me that folks seem to confuse "going dark" with the LRT. She said going dark means no contact at all, period, and it is only recommended in situations where there is abuse or addiction. LRT and non-pursuit mean that the LBS does exactly that - no pursuing, no intiating contact.) That said, if you are doing the LRT and it is not prompting contact from your H and you would like contact, then you need to consider another approach.
Since the non-contact is helping you heal, I think the first question you ask yourself ought to be whether you want to try contacting him. Sounds to me like you are contemplating this, so here comes my two cents. If so, look at the past, what has worked and what has failed? Have you tried emailing him to have lunch? You could ease any concerns he might have in the email by keeping it light and just saying something like, "Care to have lunch with a friend? Light talk and laughter is on the menu," or something along those lines and see what happens.
Before anyone has a fit that I am advocating contact on the DA thread, I am just responding to WIT's request and she has no other thread at the moment. Besides, one can detach and have contact, the two are not mutually exclusive, nor should they be. Healthy couples are adequately detached from one another.
WIT, hope this helps. Let me know if you wnat to talk more about it.
It is good advice. I am doing LRT and there is no contact from her except holidays and when she has car problems. I was intiating some contact for car insurance, but mostly to tlk. It absolutely destroyed my efforts at detaching. If WITS WAS is with OP, then meeting with them or talking nice with them sneds a message to them that they are agreeing with there decision, they are enabling that and offering or supporting the justification for leaving in the first place. LRT works but it takes time. during that time you will need to work on detaching, GAL and doing some self evaluation. It could take weeks of LRT before contact is made. If they never contact oyu, then detaching is easy because its over.
Before anyone has a fit that I am advocating contact on the DA thread, I am just responding to WIT's request and she has no other thread at the moment. Besides, one can detach and have contact, the two are not mutually exclusive, nor should they be. Healthy couples are adequately detached from one another.
V.
LOL V....you made me smile, good on ya!
There are no fits on here, we are all just bumbling along helping each other. I agree with total DARK and the LRT (and I have'nt received the books yet, they are in the post).
The purpose of this thread is twofold.
1. to support and check on each other during the 'dark' period 2. to discuss what works for each sitch and adapt accordingly.
From my position, I have started a period of 12 days of NC. So far I have had 1 call from W last Friday. If I don't get any more by this friday, I plan to call her and 'catch up' on what's happened in her life over the last week. Then maybe drop out of touch for a few days again.
We have rules in here, but they are only what constitutes a full period of NC. We are free to pick and choose what works to suit our own positions.
Thanks for popping in and giving us your POV. The more the merrier
