I completely understand why you are so angry. He is shifting all of the blame onto you. That is just not acceptable. However you have to realize that if you sent that email (I know you said you aren't going to send it!) or something like that he will read your 'anger' even more.
Of course if you are done with him that doesn't matter, but if you are not, the anger in that will just push him further away.
I feel for you, this is an awful situation. I didn't see anything about what HE was doing or planned to do to change things between you...
Did something happen after he bought the coat and kissed you? I maybe missed something, I thought he was making some small small progress...
So, you are still waiting for his response to your letter, right? And now he is sending emails saying "let's talk", but not saying when, and limiting what you can talk about?
If you were playing tennis then you would be on one side of the net, and he would be on the other, with all the balls on the ground around him. It's his turn to hit the ball over the net. It seems to me it doesn't matter if you send emails or don't send emails, there is no reciprocation. You can't get a volley going. My prediction is that this will go on until you reach your time limit. So either you tell him there is a time limit, or you wait it out. What's the difference?
I did send an email saying it's clear he doesnt get it and that I dont think there is much to say under these conditions.
He called and we talked. Among others:
he feels something is missing too
he is stuck and upset too
thinks about this every minute of the day
not happy with how things evolve=are stagnant
he understands my anger although he didnt realise I am angry mostly of his "nothingness"- I think he may have gotten it now-not sure
as were talking he came up with this question :so does this come to either intensify our effort or quit? I said yes.No use stalling the inevitable if cant get out of this sitch.
he also kind of suggested to postpone the effort because there is too much tension, I said NO, now or never, each day is getting us away from reconciling
he stated again time is an issue, a big one
he says the messages he is getting from me are "stay away" - I admitted that
he explained why he wanted us to go away even with the kids so that we would have more time together-I said I am pretty confident coparenting is not an issue
I told him I feel rejected all over again and explained why
I told him again that his attitude does not encourage me to trust him again since I have serious doubts why he is with me here
I asked him not to be afraid of me and approach me, even when I look distant, to take a chance with me -he said he gets it now, thought I wanted NOT to be pushed, I explained that when I feel pushed I tell him, no hiding anymore
I asked him if he has thought what we do is wrong, just leave it since it is difficult and neither one of us seems willing he said no he hasnt thought of giving up, doesnt know what to do
I cried and got upset and told him that this is the last time I speak to him about any of this. As of now it's the last chance I give us, dont want to spend anymore time feeling miserable and a begger. He said OK.
So, we are supposed to either do it or leave it. He is trying. He reformed his phrases, explained that he doesnt blame me, that he is trying to understand where I come from, asked questions, explained that he ahsnt replied to my letter cause he still is trying to figure out what is wrong, he did try to answer whatever I was asking.
Earlier I had coffee with my girlfriends. They all face problems with their Hs like normal couples do. Tension, fights, etc etc. Little stuff. I kept wondering how did I get here? Life plays funny games. And it is fun. But although I am tired and PO very often, I wouldnt change a thing in regards to my "journey". Maybe the destination but that is not clear yet, is it? K
Wonderful convo K! You are so brave. You obviously are not ready to quit on your M and I'm very glad for you in that. Your H is terribly confused but then again, so are you, right?
Please seek out and interview some MC's. Did you ask him about IC for him?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Ok Maria, now you have faced the demons. It is important that you now own your part and live up to a true and conforming effort. He gave you some things for you to work on just as you did him. I actually give him credit for stating things that have been preventing him from some things.
You have to give it your all K, you have to find a way to make yourself approachable and not spank him when he makes efforts. You said it's now or never right? So the question is can Maria make a 100% effort or is this merely an opportunity for self Fulfilling Prophecy? You understand what I mean by this don't you? You have a choice to either give him your true and best effort or to fight this and sabotage it yourself so you can blame him when it doesn't work.
He opened up more than you though he would didn't he? Seems to me he responded with some very good insight here and that he has been thinking a lot about it. That is a good thing Maria.
Open yourself up darling, really make an effort. No regrets for you when all is said and done ok.
Wow, well thats progress then, a proper, no holds barred convo. Better than writing to him and getting little back. I am amazed and glad that you are able to move things along and have a proper talk and crying is better than getting angry (isnt anger just what comes first, because underneath there is hurt and tears?).
Its nice to hear that he hadnt thought of giving up, so he is committed at least.. and then he revised some of his earlier remarks and said that he didnt blame you...
"Earlier I had coffee with my girlfriends. They all face problems with their Hs like normal couples do. Tension, fights, etc etc. Little stuff. I kept wondering how did I get here? Life plays funny games. And it is fun. But although I am tired and PO very often, I wouldnt change a thing in regards to my "journey". Maybe the destination but that is not clear yet, is it?"
I had the exact same convo with my BFF earlier! Alot of people sem to be going through it right now, having R issues, but nothing major. I too have learnt a hell of a lot and wouldnt change that as yuo have done. I wonder where we will end up? It will all become clear one day hey.
Talking of 'journeys'..here is an excellent blog on this momentous week, Uranus in Pisces conjoins Venus in Pisces on Thursday, 'our' ruler Jupiter conjoins the Sun and then there is an eclipse...this week in the sky.
Heres how it starts..."This is going to be a big week for many of us and the beginning of a journey over the next several weeks that will lead us to some surprising places. Do expect some turbulence, though."
He has the tools.. he is just using them at the wrong time.
"And you cant teach him"
Amen.
"Yes, he should pay for the coat. It is about time he found a way to give you a gift that you like. He should let you pick things out all the time."
Be careful with this.
"I see a lot of "shoulds" from you and also from some of the well meaning folks here - this translates to "expectations" which translates to "not detaching" and you sometimes call it "not settling". I think in piecing and for the rest of your married life you will need to detach."
Wow.. just Wow. Wow.
"The more I "grow", the smaller he looks to me."
Hmmm.. is your shadow.. getting to big?
"I dont want to spend the rest of my life being completely detached from the man beside me."
Define "detached".
"Your anger, which sometimes causes my anger, is a very big setback factor to what we are trying to do."
There it is again.
It was in response to this..
"I feel very angry and hurt. Very hurt."
"Whatever progress we make, a moment of your anger, a misunderstanding, sets everything back."
Again.. he sees something. He is reacting to it. It is not bad.. just does not help things.
"I am very hesitant and on guard."
"Fear" breeds "Fear".. Ian is gonna hate me.. but.. "Fear" here is good. Without a doubt.
Let me say this real clear.. neither of you knew what you were getting your selves into.. here.
"That is why I am "stagnant"."
LOL. Told ya. Can it be any more clear? What is he waiting on?
"They told us at MC that "we are not ready yet" and I have kept this on my mind."
I am sure I pointed that out.. I likely said.. smart C. And then referenced you paid for that.
So.. we all agree.. ready.. but not willing and able?
"I am afraid that they maybe right and the timing is not good and as a result this effort will go wasted."
Sound familiar.. why should I do "X"?
"He called and we talked. Among others:
he feels something is missing too
he is stuck and upset too
thinks about this every minute of the day
not happy with how things evolve=are stagnant"
So... what you are saying is.. you both have the timing right.. just a F'd up set of circumstances?
I would agree.
Maria... Stop.. please just stop.. look at what is going on. You walked right into the cycle. He did to. That says a lot to me. You both went to "crapville" at the same time.
#1.. GAL.. Take a break. Disregard he said he wanted back. Give it 2 weeks. Make plans.. meet the girls. Just stop. Be Coy.
#2.. Focus on the kids.. after your GAL.. and stopping. Don't tell me how bad they are.. just "live" a little with them.
#3.. Stop.
Big stop sign with flashing light!
You have your heart in the right place.. but if you keep on like you are.. he is gonna agree to D.
Focus.. and Do Work. Remember the meaning.. and take that to heart.
That is the key. I bet my name.. and my guru'ness on it.
You have done it before.. I have no doubt.. you can do it again.
Yes.. I see all the "Work".. in this.
If I am routing for you.. more than you are.. something is wrong in the universe!!
I am the pusher upper. You should be "Shining".
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
