Jayce's thread

[Jayce]

Aha. I figured it was something like that.

Catching up on recent posts, you & Diane (& I) asked "Why don't you want to have sex?" All 3 partners said "I don't know." We got ourselves stuck going in circles trying to figure it out for them.

But we needed to move on to the next question: "Why don't you want to find out why you don't want sex? They didn't want counseling, wouldn't talk about it, refused to ask Dr, so how can there be any progress? As I told my H, "I want you to want me." Of course he got that but it changed nothing. I realized my request was "I want you to want to want me." I want you to care that your libido is gone. To say its gone, I don't care, and the heck with it is not fair to our partnership. It isn't for him to decide MY sex life is over.

As you recall from my rants & tears, it took a ton of work on my part to find possible answers. Including medical related research & making Dr. appts. & standing the flak to get him to go & speak the embarrasing words to the Dr. I paid in living thru tantrums, sulking, anger, until he got that I believe its a team effort & we're in it together. Its not a personal attack. That he's a good guy & wouldn't hurt me on purpose.

Ask the next question. Why don't you want to find out why? Knowing they are causing their beloved spouse so much pain? Worst case is they can't stand us & don't want to tell us that. Luckily that wasn't the answer I got. When H finally understood how much I despaired of a sexless future, and that it was worth the effort & embarrassment to try to find out & fix it, slowly, he improved. I still don't think he has all that much desire, but he's into the enjoyment again and initiates often enough to make me optimistic about the future.

You may have to do something similar. Kind of like a one-man intervention. Make plans. Insist. They don't like to be pressured, so not doing it for awhile then starting up again isn't going to work. Because the pressure is intermittent, they're able to ride it out till you stop & they can ignore it again. Ask the question-Why don't you want to figure out why you have no desire? Say "I need you to find out." because "I can't live without being intimate with you."

I didn't do it until last summer. Why? I knew there would be tantrums, anger, yelling, sulking, sniping and I hate living like that. Then came the ED and more "Oh well, nothing I can do about that." He tends to be a quitter & I'm so not. Its been worth the fight. Plus he now knows for sure I love him & care about his health & the quality of his life. It was tough, but being able to gripe & moan & have you guys' advice and sympathy on this forum made it possible.

We're all here to help each other throught the tough parts. So ask the next question.
J